I often think that a flower pot falling off of a window sill and onto my head would solve most of my problems.
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I absolutely hate being woken from a nap. There were other treadmills in the gym that dude could have used.
The year is 1981. Everybody’s working for the weekend.
2044: the weekend becomes sentient.
2048: Everybody’s working for the weekend.
When I get sad, I just think about the vast Universe and the fact that I’m stuck on this rock with a bunch of idiots. Then I get sadder.
Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences.
If you can’t say something nice, say something mortifying and kinky.
ao3 writers are a whole other bread. i feel so bad for laughing but this is dedication
my gf: don’t tell my dad how we met
me: ok
[later]
her dad: so how did you two meet?me: *startled* I’ve never seen her before in my life
what strings did peacocks pull to be allowed to just vibe around the zoo?
My boyfriend is trying to teach me how to play dark souls right now and it feel like when your dad is trying to do your math homework with you while you cry at the kitchen table
Sorry, can’t. My husband is having a snoring contest with the dog and apparently I’m the judge.
Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions
When your prospective father-in-law asks:”Why do you ask for my daughters hand in marriage?”
Do NOT say:”Because I am tired of using my own”
My mum is at end of life with Alzheimer’s, 99% non-verbal, but Coldplay just came on the radio and she looked me in the eye and said “turn it off”.
Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.
The year was 1989 and America fell in love with Ariel, the half-animal girl who collects garbage.
You bring an airhorn *one time* and suddenly you’re banned from bar trivia
Airlines will call themselves Air France then fly from Costa Rica to Germany
Me, wide awake after staying up all night:
*Sings loudly*
*Dancing around*
*Way too chipper*
*Annoying my friends and family*My neighbor: Good Morning!
Me: How dare you speak to me so early in the morning? Have you no respect?
Researchers have found why bears hibernate. “They’re sad due to a break up” said one. “It’s been a year Brent. Move on. I have” said another
Agriculture can’t possibly be a dying industry. Bot farms are booming.
Jurassic Park 7: Nothing goes wrong and everyone just genuinely enjoys the company of the dinosaurs
Don’t be sad dirty dishes, nobody’s doing me either.
Pro tip: don’t bother feeding your kids before heading to the grandparent’s house. Either way they will be starving as soon as they walk in.
The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild
* sleeps in middle of bed
Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one
so this horse walks into a bar
Wife: I’m going to the store. Need anything?
Me: Get some uhhh [can’t remember the name Aquafresh] Neapolitan toothpaste
[Cretaceous Period]
T-REX: *eating pterodactyl, sad* I just wish it were meatier…
DRUNK GUARDIAN ANGEL: A meteor? Tha’s weird but ok 1 sec
We’ve had far more storms since we started naming them. We’re giving them the attention they crave. Just call it needy wind.