I often walk through a little park where people walk their dogs. Yesterday I saw somebody walking their tortoise. The funny thing is LA dogs are so small I’m pretty sure that reptile could win in a fight.
You Might Also Like
normalize answering the phone saying, “I’M DOING THE BEST I CAN, CAPTAIN”
If I were Jesus I would be seriously spooked by all the buildings with giant crosses.
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
Italians speak with their hands, but I’m more efficient.
I only need one finger to get my point across.
The inventor of the tampon liked it, so he put a string on it
No one approached me–a reliable stranger–to take a picture of their family yesterday. Could’ve been the eye patch
Me: Why does my phone keep changing campus to Camus?
Phone: There is no higher purpose in life.
Me: You could at least stop misspelling words.
P: *long drag on cigarette* There is no meaning. Duck yoor speeling.
Me: Is that a beret?
P: Oui.
If she licks all the frosting off her face with a single 360 degree sweep of the tongue, she might be Scooby Doo.
ME: Whoa, these people are hardcore Goths
CORONER: How many times do I have to tell you that they’re corpses, you’re looking at corpses
People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.
Me: sobbing because Antie died in “Honey, I Shrunk The Kids”.
Also me: two cans of Raid in hand, chasing one single ant across the house.
[home depot]
ME: I think I like this huge decorative rock
HER: Boulder
ME: Ok [with confidence] I REALLY LOVE THIS HUGE DECORATIVE ROCK
ME: omg I love your accent! Say that again!
MY AUSTRALIAN WIFE: You’re shallow and selfish. I’m leaving you and taking the kids.
Most things in life aren’t free. HOWEVER if you run fast enough, they are.
“A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step” but so does the one from the living room to the kitchen for snacks and it’s a lot less tiring.
I can’t believe that in this day and age, people are still wearing fir.
I made a joke about how sweet it is that twenty men I don’t know dm me to ask me how I’m doing and this old dude commented “only 20? Out of 33k?” And like damn that hurt. The rest of you 32,980 better pony up or this old dude is gonna know I’m not sexy 😭
My mom texted to say she found my younger son’s water bottle in her car and I was like, “yeah, he pretty much sheds reusable water bottles, Hot Wheels and raincoats”
God, I hate Apple. I updated my iPhone software and now I’m missing a bunch of photos, 30 bucks from my dresser and my favorite pants.
Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m getting a little worried about my cake.
I overheard my husband tell his mother how vengeful and vindictive I am. Well, we’ll just see about that.
[getting arrested for public nudity]
Cop: PUT YOUR HANDS OVER YOUR HEAD
Me: …
Cop: YOUR OTHER HEAD
[end of a job interview]
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If you could become half robot, would you do it?
Him:
Me:
Him: Which half?
There are only a few more shopping days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.
Mrs Doubtfire is my favourite movie about violating a custody agreement
I moved to this city ten years ago with nothing more than the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank.
“What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger”
Well I sure as shit felt better at 21 so imma call bullshit
My toddler appears to know a magic spell to transform any space into a Hoarders episode.