I often walk through a little park where people walk their dogs. Yesterday I saw somebody walking their tortoise. The funny thing is LA dogs are so small I’m pretty sure that reptile could win in a fight.
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Package delivery vans should play music when they’re driving through a neighborhood like ice cream trucks do
My mum just messaged to say that yesterday she turned off her 20 year old PC, ‘at the wall’, without shutting it down properly. ‘That couldn’t have caused anything, could it?’ 😂
‘Probably’.
The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.
[Car breaks down]
Me:*inspecting engine*
Date: is everything ok?
Me: *nervously searching 100 now empty hamster wheels* haha..y-yep
FRIEND: let’s hang out
ME: *takes out my accordion*
ENEMY: I changed my mind
I share an office thermostat with a middle aged woman. I’m in a t-shirt while she’s rubbing 2 pencils together trying to start a trash fire
“This would be better if there was cake” really does ring true in any situation.
Gang initiations from the Midwest be like “you have to eat the entire potato salad”
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: have you exercised at all in the past?
*flashbacks to holding my gut in for the past ten years*
ME: totes
Me: why aren’t you studying?
My kid: I didn’t see you coming.
Filmmaker: “I made a documentary.”
Netflix Exec: “Great. How much footage do you have?”
Filmmaker: “About 15 minutes.”
Netflix Exec: “Sold. We’ll release it as four 1-hour episodes.”
I’m going to start walking around in my yard all day in a bathrobe so my neighbors will build that privacy fence I always wanted.
Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.
I don’t understand why my husband has to pay for a UFC fight when he could just throw one piece of candy on the floor in front of our three kids.
“And on the 7th day he rested”. Obviously God had not yet created laundry at that point.
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in physics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: it’s ok the plane will weigh the same
So when a cop asks you why you have a handcuff key on your key ring, saying it was his wife’s idea will get you a free ride in his cop car
The good news: once you get a PhD, friends and family will refer to you as doctor.
The bad news: They will only do it sarcastically after you get basic trivia wrong.
The average person swallows 30-50 feral hogs in their sleep every year.
I learned the hard way that it’s a bad idea to pull down your pants and moon someone if you know they’re a werewolf.
He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO
Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
I always take a different store’s tote bags when I go grocery shopping so they don’t get the idea we’re exclusive or anything.
Let’s throw this crap away, but first lets try to sell it
-yard sale
how do you get over the heartache of an ex whose cat ur never gonna see again?
Me: Do you have this in my size? I’m a medium.
Shop assistant: Oh, well you tell me then.
*Jan 1, 9 AM PST*
5: Can we play music in our room?
Me: Sure!
5: Any music?
Me: Whatever you want!
5: ALEXA! PLAY ROCKIN AROUND THE CHRISTMAS TREE!
Me: Nooooooooooooo
I ate a piece of chocolate and thought I found a crumb of it on my laptop keyboard and ate it but it was a bug so that wasn’t ideal.
Did we ever get rid of that ozone layer or are we still worried about that