I often walk through a little park where people walk their dogs. Yesterday I saw somebody walking their tortoise. The funny thing is LA dogs are so small I’m pretty sure that reptile could win in a fight.
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We must preserve our bookstores. There are so few places you can go to slide sideways on a ladder
Man “addicted to brake fluid” claims he can stop any time he wants.
This is Bill
Bill has a wife
Bill isn’t scared of his wife & says what he wants when he..This is Bill’s wife
Bill is no longer available
My superpower is hiding takeout containers from the food that I take credit for cooking.
uh-oh. Bad news for Trump
Indie bands are always like “we recorded this album at an abandoned spaghetti factory in Providence, Rhode Island.” Why? Why’d you do that? There are recording studios with couches and electricity
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
When you can’t find your friend Neil
meal prep? you mean putting on a bib?
Me: babe, I don’t mean to be THAT person but you breathe way too loud & I can’t fall asleep.
*Vader grabs a blanket & moves to the couch*
Establish dominance at a restaurant by bringing your own menu.
Prince Devitt x Low Ki x Kota Ibushi. One of my all time favorite matches. 🔥
ME: Is this chicken cooked?
WAITER: Why do you ask?
ME: Because it’s just eaten my vegetables.
The fact that ‘head and shoulders’ doesn’t have a body wash called knees and toes is as much as a disappointment to me, as I am in myself, for writing this Tweet.
Remember when you were watching zombie movies and you thought wow, there’s no way real people could be this stupid?
I sing this with my entire soul to anyone within earshot. I truly believe, in my heart of hearts, that anything that is broken can always be mended.
-The inventor of duct tape, probably
Me: THE DEVIL KICKED JOHNNYS ASS! HE DONT APPRECIATE THE GOLDEN FIDDLE
Cop: *megaphone* UR SO WRONG- oh sorry chief- LET THE HOSTAGES GO
I’ll probably stop watching “The Crown,” now that I know how it ends.
My husband tried to embarrass me in front of his friends by saying I wasn’t any good in bed. He was shocked when his friends disagreed.
Even if I was bitten by a radioactive spider, I’d still be inherently lazy. I wouldn’t be out fighting crime, I’d just be slinging a web to grab some snacks without getting up from the couch.
my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doorbell repairman…… the end.
I like to imagine Supreme Court is just like regular court but with tomatoes and sour cream.
The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list
Venn diagrams. You either love ‘em or you hate ‘em. Or you’re somewhere in the middle.
all these boys want a goth girlfriend but don’t study the moves of one gomez addams.
Dogs are like chicken nuggets; every time I see one, I want it.
Advice tip for people: 1 stick hand in glue 2 stick hand in feather 3 now you are like bird. Impress your friend.
Why are government cars always in a hurry!! That sense of urgency is not reflected anywhere in their official duties.
friend: *struggling to open beer* i need a bottle opener
me: here, give me your lighter
friend: ok
me: *lights cigarette and takes a long drag* yeah you’re gonna need a bottle opener