I often walk through a little park where people walk their dogs. Yesterday I saw somebody walking their tortoise. The funny thing is LA dogs are so small I’m pretty sure that reptile could win in a fight.
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Everybody knows Tuesdays are the second marriage of the week. Optimistic. Hopeful. Definitely not like Monday, that so-and-so.
Petition to change the term “Twitter Crush” to Tweetheart.
shop assistant: do you need help?
me: yah but i’ll settle for finding the vodka aisle
customer: your darkest roast please
barista: god created amnesia bc of you
Married With Children is a hilarious sitcom until you’re 35 and realise it’s a chilling documentary.
Driving class: 10 and 2
Real life: 7 and french fries
If I die my ghost better come back and do some laundry so I have some clean sheets to wear
Child: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [tweezing grey hairs growing out of my ear]: There is literally no greater joy.
I saved time doing yard work by renaming the weeds “plants”
Interstellar (2014) – A widower utilizes mankind’s greatest technology to get as far away as possible from his kids.
monday
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My husband pissed me off so I wrapped his remote and put it under the tree.
Me: i never know what to say
Friend: just say something nice[later]
Date: hi
Me: 69
Call me old fashioned, but that’s not my name and I absolutely will not respond to it.
We have to ban straws to keep them out of the ocean, because a shark with a mouthful of straws can drain a human of blood in seconds.
If a Stork is responsible for bringing babies, what bird prevents them?
A Swallow.
Establish dominance by shaking your spouse’s hand when they go in for a kiss.
The good news: once you get a PhD, friends and family will refer to you as doctor.
The bad news: They will only do it sarcastically after you get basic trivia wrong.
Boss: “I want it on my desk by 9 on Monday”
Me: “Say no more”
[Monday]
Boss: “Where’s my report?”
Me: “Shhh”
When you hear your kid shout “HERE, HOLD MY LOLLIPOP!” you know it’s about to go down.
Just got to our Airbnb!
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I always carry a PEBBLE with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in November…
I call it my jingle bell rock.
Remember when maths teachers said “you won’t have a calculator on you all the time when you’re older” well guess what, I do and I keep it in my pocket right next to my phone
Wife: you wanna play monopoly?
Me: sure if there’s one thing we need to do more of as a couple it’s recreational arguing
A Peeping Tom was hospitalized after falling out of a tree. Appropriately in the ICU.
*entire building at my work loses power*
*I run all the way to Linda’s office*
Remember when you said light up shoes were a dumb idea?
Threw my garbage in the dumpster noticed I didn’t have my wallet. After looking everywhere, I fished out the garbage bag with an ice scraper. Found my wallet in the garbage but my keys fell in. After considerable more effort I have my keys. And I’ve only been outside 20 mins!
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
me: [standing over a hot open fire at night]
10: this is nice dad
me: it is son [puts arm around him] yes it is.
10: but why are you burning all of our jeans?
me: we don’t need them anymore, son. jeans are a thing of the past now. [bites into a mozzarella stick]