I often wish for the easy clarity that stupidity provides.
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When a pig loses his leg, wouldn’t it be a hamputation?
Me: don’t be hitting!
Her, 5: I didn’t hit him!
Him, 9: you threw a block at me!
Her, 5: yeah, but I missed!
PET SHOP OWNER: So would u like a puppy for your son?
ME: Yes[home]
WIFE: Where’s Tommy?
ME [with a puppy] ok so they offered me this deal
hard to imagine a more embarrassing death than being beaten with a candlestick in a library by someone named colonel mustard
Show me someone who says they haven’t used chemistry since school and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t ignore warnings on bathroom cleaners
My crush suddenly stopped texting me today. Either she is in the gravest of danger or she spontaneously decided she hates my guts. Those are literally the only two things that could have happened.
“i think anyone using twitter still is evil” okay what are you gonna do about it. post about me on something called Florpable
Fun way to make someone question everything: comment “you are so brave” on all their selfies.
Employees must applaud the planets.
Guys, if you forget your girl’s birthday, just look into her eyes and say, “I love you.” Then run, because that is not going to help.
*jazz hands*
i can always see the flash of disappointment n a guy’s face when i tell them i have a great relationship with my dad.
They stopped making ghosts just after the civil war. You’ll never see a ghost with a man bun or hitting a juul
#If #I’m #not #following #you #back #this #might #be #the #reason.
To its credit, only like 8% of doing the Macarena involves heiling Hitler.
The moon is in my awful neighbor’s backyard. Girl, he’s the worst. What are you doing?
Such a beautiful day I chose to walk instead of the bus. Job interview can start without me.
Told the kids I’d give $5 to whoever located and removed the screeching cricket that woke me up at 7am and they had that fucker out of here in 3 1/2 minutes.
The lost art of being “wishy washy.”
My kid yelled she couldn’t wait to be an adult so I handed her the bills, threw the laundry on her bed, replaced her pizza with cauliflower, redirected my student loan calls to her phone and demanded she get me a snack every time she tried to go to the restroom.
People complain a lot about Peeps, but when I really want to eat something slightly toxic and also glittery, they’re the first thing I reach for
me: how much is this cordless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
I packed 5 oranges in 5 different lunches today and all five oranges came back home. Apparently, I send fruit on field trips.
[Barber gets out a small mirror to show an owl the back of its head]
Owl: No I got it *rotates*
Owl: Wait where’d it- *rotates*
Owl: Ok help
church choir: faatherr, sonn, aand hoolyy g-
[the ghostbusters barge in]
church choir, nervously: -oooats
[ghostbusters slowly back out]
Friend: do you regret becoming a father?
Me: no way. I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.
Friend: you want the rest of my fries?
Me: touché…*mouth full of fries* touché.
We’re gonna party like its 1999.
//breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//
me: what is it boy?
my stomach: brrrggfkppr
me: you need food? vitamins and minerals? protein? fiber?
my stomach: hrrrbbb
me: would you settle for 89 potato chips?
Her: The next person that tells me to smile is not gonna know what hit them.
Wedding Photographer: and if you could all look at the camera…