I often wish for the easy clarity that stupidity provides.
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Sometimes you’re Godzilla, sometimes you’re Tokyo
After I tucked my 3yo into bed he handed me his water cup and said “you can freshen this on your way out”. I updated my resume to reflect my experience running a hotel.
is it earth
I wish ‘You idiot.’ was an appropriate way to end a work email.
I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.
My whole life just flashed before my eyes and there was way too much cauliflower.
[SyFy pitch meeting]
Me: A hurricane of cats! PURRICANE!
Producer: Hmmm
Me: A tidal wave of cows! MOONAMI!
Producer: I’m gonna say no
Me: An earthquake of ducks! EARTHQUACK!
Producer: Please leave
Me: *being dragged out by security* FLYPHOOOooon
Surprise your buddy by putting on clown makeup and dying in his attic.
The Martian, 2015: Matt Damon tries to prove how Irish he is by growing potatoes on Mars then leaving because he’s hungry.
Me: It’s been a while since we’ve had to take one of the kids to the ER.
Trampoline: Hold my beer.
Do you ever follow accounts blindly and then find yourself in bad poetry or emu farmer Twitter?
I finally found a reason to live again.
Priest: Don’t chew gum in church.
Me: If I don’t, I’ll have bad breath when I talk to God.
Priest:
Me: It’s your fault if I go to hell.
Just try to look at your shoes the same way ever again,your welcome.
Dentists are evil, they’re like reverse the tooth fairy because you’re broke after.
I own a gun so if a robber breaks into my home and steals my stuff I can shoot all my stuff and break it so the robber can’t enjoy any of it
[first day at the cia]
me: where’s the chandelier
boss: what chandelier
me: you know 🎶 party girls don’t get hurt 🎶
boss: that’s sia
me: i know how it’s pronounced i work here
I always assumed the movie “Grease” got its title from how those characters managed to fit into those pants.
I’m sorry for the things I said when you opened a new gallon of milk when there was one already open
People who spend their lives complaining how other people are doing nothing productive for society are doing nothing productive for society.
Murderer: [stabs me]
Me: [does a kart wheel at the exact right moment resulting in the appendectomy I need but can’t afford bc I live in the US]
The good thing about being tall is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
The bad thing is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
JOURNEY:
🎶Strangers, waiting,🎶
🎶Up and down the boulevard🎶
🎶Their shadows searching in the night!🎶ME: Now, wait just a goshdarn minute. How in the heck can you have shadows at night??
JOURNEY:
🎶Streetlights,🎶
🎶people🎶ME: Ah. Carry on.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!
Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine
I bet your first day as a bullfighter they start you off by fighting a really rare steak.
Jigsaw: If you want to leave you’re gonna need to…
Me, psyched about missing work: Nah, I’m good here.
The IBS drug commercial that mentions “urgent diarrhea” implies there’s also a laid back, non-urgent form of diarrhea that I’ve never had.
Dates are weird like ok I guess I’ll dress up for my romantic interview
Friend: OMG did u see the thing on the news about the sinister clowns?
Me: *flashback to me watching the debate* yeah I think I saw that