I often wonder who Pete is…
and why we do things for his sake…
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When a celebrity dies, who’s the helpful psychopath that immediately changes all the “is”s to “was”s on their Wikipedia page?
i broke into my neighbors house and put one (1) pringle in their bag of lays potato chips
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
One time I corrected a student when she spelled “through” “thru” and she responded “that’s how *I* spell it”. I could suddenly somehow see her future self putting “if you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best” in her Tinder profile
Woke up a fully assimilated sighborg.
Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving earlier than Americans because we’ve learned to space out forcible family get-togethers
Dress for the job you want others to think you have.
Interviewer: what interests you about this job?
Me: the pay
Interviewer: can you be more specific?
Me: cash
I’m donating my body to science. I’m getting sick of it taking up space in the freezer.
You ask me for the time and notice my watch is actually a live shrimp hugging my wrist, he whispers “12:30” but he’s guesstimating as shrimps usually do
Gabriel “Really? That’s how you want humans to reproduce?”
God “Trust me. It will be hilarious.”
I’m afraid to be cremated and have the whole place smelling like honey BBQ and bacon
To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you
Tried to impress 9 by making up sentences containing 3 of her vocabulary words at once, so now she knows what “nerd” means.
My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.
“Cantaloupe? Or WON’Taloupe?” *SPLAT* Next week on MELON JUSTICE!
Everyday I walk to work by a Ferrari dealership, put my nose against the etched glass window and say, “someday I’ll own a window this nice.”
My husband just started assembling a bookshelf so I guess we’re fighting now.
I hadn’t pledged allegiance to the flag in so long I forgot the words and I may have just drunkenly pledged to one nation, invisible, with librarian judges for all.
Her: What do you notice that’s different about me?
Me: I’ll just sleep on the sofa, see you in the morning.
wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix
My dad called me last night and said “I’ve been reading through your tweets and I hate to break it to you but there’s no way you can run for public office now”
Obligatory April 25th Meme Tweet 😆
Don’t call me a pessimist. Call me a cynic. A cynic sounds smarter.
Okay friends, gonna start reading Garfield comics please don’t spoil which day he doesn’t like for me.
Mongoose is French for “my goose.”
I didn’t mean to gain weight
It happened by snaccident
Me: *throwing random stick outside* Damn kids.
[LATER]
Husband: Where’d my stick go?
Long story short, I accidentally left the cat in the refrigerator.