I often wondered what it’d be like to be married to an idiot.
I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.
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Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.
If I were a bumblebee, this leg hair would be an asset.
Ever take a look at @thefunnytweeter? I’m honored that they have some of my tweets on a page.
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.
Everyone was naming their favourite French movie and I couldn’t think of one so I just said “Ze Hurt Lockair”.
I was an ugly baby.
It’s been downhill since then.
waiter: soooo do you have any room for dessert?
me (frantically moving chairs and tables out of the way): idk,,, how big is this f***en cake?
God: Don’t eat that Apple. You can smoke this plant I made instead
[20 min later]
Adam: Sooo hungry
Eve: Me too
Adam: That apple looks good
And like the migratory pattern of the white-crowned sparrow, the last roll of toilet paper makes its journey from bathroom to bathroom.
I just saw a woman walk out of the pizza place with 8 large pizzas. Stay with me I’m gonna live stream my proposal..
15: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘Hey – what a great opportunity to go outside and enjoy some fresh-‘
15: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
“thank you for your order, I’ll push it off the edge of the counter when it’s ready”
How can you tell when a duck is a witch?
You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.
DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?
ME: that’s literally all I drink
We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.
Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.
[twirling my bra above my head like a helicopter and it gets stuck on the ceiling fan, im launched thru window into neighbors yard]
me: hey
Me: Is that a web tattoo on your elbow because you like Spider-Man?
Them: Naw, I killed 5 people
Me: so you don’t like Spider-Man?
[during sex]
Her: talk nasty to me…
Me: the coconut flavored LaCroix…
Her: omg so nasty
Me: It’s like drinking a suntan lotion & tonic
Give your Mom what she really wants today. Accept her Facebook friend request.
7: My teacher gave me a Christmas card but it’s cursed
Me: That… seems strange
7: That’s how they used to write in the olden days
wanna bet Tom Hanks is kinda bitter about how easily Moana got over that break in the waves.
Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.
After kids: My mind is a steel colander.
Found out that my girl puts peas in her Mac n Cheese… Our whole relationship is a lie… Why couldn’t she just sleep with someone else like a normal person?
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I’ve started giving camouflage sweatshirts as parting gifts when I break up with people. “I don’t want to see you anymore,” I whisper.
[late to work]
boss: well ??
me: (panicking) uhh my car got stuck in the suez canal
I bought a Mr. Microphone at a garage sale. Now I’m driving around yelling at bad drivers.
Best 25¢ I’ve ever spent.
I was on a sofa next to my wife who was eating a snack and typing on her phone, I heard my phone ringing in the kitchen where I was charging it so I went to check it …
The SMS was from my wife, she wrote “Bring me a drink on your way back”