I often wondered what it’d be like to be married to an idiot.
I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.
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Once upon a time I could complete a sentence and then I had kids. The end.
My new pajamas have no pockets. I don’t want to hear your problems.
Me: “I poop when I’m nervous.”
Doctor: “How often does this occur?”
Me: “I’m extremely nervous right now.”
(filing for divorce)
Judge: Hello there Mike. The usual?
Me: That’s right.
My dad’s shop teacher cut off another finger while demonstrating how he accidentally cut off the first one. It reminds of the second time I got married.
In the middle of an argument, begin calmly folding a blanket if you want the other person to go truly ballistic
My wife’s leftover meatloaf just growled at me and ran under the fridge …. now I’m scared.
4: mama you’re a sweet tomato!
Me: Aw thank y-
4: because you’re round
Me: …
4: and plumpy
Me: go to your room
WARDEN: any last words
ME: come closer
WARDEN: *leans down* yes?
ME: *whispering* never gonna give you up never gonna let you down
this tumblr post deserves to be put in history textbooks
Here’s how I get my kids to wash the floor: I give them a cup of water without a lid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
I quit my job yesterday. Lucky for me I didn’t tell anybody and I was able to go to work this morning when I got up
(understanding 0% of what I’m being told as i’m getting trained for my new job) that all makes perfect sense, no questions
Current status: I just turned on the garbage disposal so the cats wouldn’t hear me getting the cheese out of the fridge.
Did you hear about the explosion at the cheese factory?
Apparently, all that was left was da brie.
***ba dum tissssss***
inventor of the sword: [watching a sword swallowing contest] oh no. no no no
What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.
Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low
What if Jesus actually walked on Walter and that whole water thing was a typo that no one corrected coz there was no Twitter?
When you go to therapy they should get to ask three people in your life what your problem is before you start.
People on Twitter: OMG I love how confident you are
Me: [playing trivia at a bar by myself because I assume people don’t want me on their team even though two groups of friends literally asked me to join their teams] yep
idk about you but I still remember what I was doing when I found out Kennedy had been shot: sitting at home, reading the JFK Wikipedia page
A romantic thing you can do for your wife is try to get a raccoon to come in your house
Yep. Yep. Yep. Yeppity. Yep. Yeppers. Yep.
We’ll see. I don’t know. But, for sure! Maybe.– me receiving an invitation of any kind
Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.
Everyone’s talking about how Shia LaBeouf plagiarized Daniel Clowes, but nobody said anything when Kristen Stewart plagiarized paint drying.
[sees some cut grass]
“Nice”
[sees some ripped leaves]
“oh yea”
[sees a twig with a 6 pack]
“holy shit”
her: You look really good.
me: Thanks! That’s a really cool pen. Where did you get it?
I never tell people about how the pens on my desk double as excellent ball-scratchers BEFORE they put them in their mouths. That’d be silly.
My therapist says I need to overcome “shame-based” thinking but if it wasn’t for shame I don’t think I’d get a damn thing done around here.