Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

inflation so bad pets are getting jobs

just found out the nhs had my height down as 88cm instead of 1.88 metres and now wondering if my early vaccine was because they thought i was a short dangerously large man

Don’t you hate it when you forget proper terms for objects so you end up calling a “watering can” a “that waterthingie for thirsty plants, yanno it’s like a portable water holder”.

Did you come from a “never take medicine for any reason whatsoever” family or a “you might get a headache today, take 12 advil” family

Doctor: You’re sick

Me: Yeah?

Doctor: *heelying away* But not sick enough

Me: Awww

Can’t trust CNN? Next thing ya know Nigerian royalty sending me emails will be fake.

Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”

*20 minutes later*

Me: “No.”

parents: you are what you eat
kids:

*driving past a house already decorated for Halloween*

6, muttering to himself: why do they have a scarecrow? They don’t even have any crops

I’ve grown more powerful but in a completely useless way.

*gets left on read*

my brain:

Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it

me: “it was fun while it lasted”

Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?

I had a terrible dream that monsters came out from under the bed at night and ate up all the pecan pie. I woke up screaming MY PIE

HADES: what happens when Aphrodites hair gets frizzy?
ZEUS: don’t-
HADES: i guess u could call her AFROdite
ZEUS: this is why we banished u

Before saying anything like “you have really soft hands for a man”, just be like so goddamned sure they’re a man.

“The truth has finally been revealed” around the world:

5. The cat is out of the bag (English)
4. The bunny is out of the hat (Czech)
3. The pigeon falls out of your mouth (Romanian)
2. The turtle’s feet have appeared (Taiwanese)
1. Now the monkey comes out of the sleeve (Dutch)

“Dad, what’s a coworker?”

“Someone you block on social media.”

ME: (slowly undressing)
DMV PHOTOGRAPHER: Stop that.

I am certain at least half of all curse words in history were created while someone without ninja skills was trying to work in the same room as a housefly.

That fish is too small and that fish is too big but that fish is justtttt right

-Goldilocks on Tinder

Mugger: “Give me your wallet and watch.”

*hand over my wallet*

Me: “Okay, I’m watching.”

if the benadryl doesn’t work use the back of a shovel

My cat just wrote the Great American Novel. Let me read you a page, “Meow meow meow meow meow meow.” Dunno, think it’s a little pretentious.

QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.

[blood starts oozing from the ceiling] Oh my god no someone left the blood tap on

[hotel]
ME: No minibar?
BF: No.
ME: Or room service?
BF: You’re being extreme.
ME: *emerges in camouflage* We’re survivalists now, Gary.

Me: I think I broke my arm. Take me to the hospital.
That one friend: I’ll make you a tincture with frankincense & eucalyptus. Then grind some Spanish moss and nettles in my mortar and pestle. You’ll be right as rain.

My signature move is to tell men that I can’t hear them because I have my headphones in when I quite visibly don’t have headphones in.

Hotel room coffee is still better than that whole relationship with you

toddler: daddy do you like this book?

me: no

toddler: *snuggles in* perfect