Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t consider myself to be an overly dramatic person, but I have had a mosquito bite ruin my life.

I said hi to someone and a bug flew into my mouth. Lesson learned.

Plot twist: maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnut.

Everyone sings “Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You” to their selfies, right guys? Guys?…

Boss [handing me a memo that says N O T I C E at the top]: Have you seen this yet?
Me: Yep.
Boss: What do you think?
Me [giving the memo another feel]: Haha it definitely isn’t.

Me: Do you know the difference between hot and cold?

4: They both rhyme, daddy!

Ever accidentally turn off your alarm instead of hitting the snooze button and wake up two days later?

Lowe’s banned me for yelling “From the windows! To the walls! To the sweat drop down my balls!”, as I explained how much carpet I needed.

I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.

Please. My avocado. It is so sad.

I’m at my most financial consultant when I tell the McDonald’s employee what my change back should be.

I told my wife the laundry on the couch ain’t gonna fold itself so if y’all don’t hear from me later she probably folded me like an omelet.

It took 14 years, but 14’s feet finally stopped growing and now I’m rolling in so much shoe money.

If Goldilocks was part of the Marvel Universe, The Three Bears would be her porridgin story.

YOU COULD HAVE HAD “MERRY SIPMAS” OR “HAPPY HOLATTES” ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS SHIT RN

6YO said she’ll never be able to appreciate winter, cause snow on the bushes reminds her of cauliflower

Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.

Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?

I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.

We’ve been working with 5 and 4 on being polite, asking how people are, etc. 4 apparently took that lesson to heart. We went into the mens room at the zoo, but there was someone in the stall. She leaned down, looked under the stall door, and asked “How are you doing in there?”

My neighbor’s 13-month old only has four teeth. She’s way too young to being doing that much meth.

At Dairy Queen:

Me: Medium Heath Blizzard please.

DQ: You wanna spoon?

Me: Sure, when do you get off?

Girls need strong female role models may I suggest Godzilla she is a strong, confident woman that fights for justice and also breathes fire

I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear

Shake what your momma gave you.
*shakes unemployed brother*

Maybe she’s boing with it. Maybe it’s trampoline.

When there are only 6 slices of pizza left and it seems kind of silly to wrap them up and put them in the fridge so you go ahead and finish them

8: Can we have peanut butter sandwiches?

Me: No peanut butter allowed in the house. Daddy is allergic to peanuts

8: Can we buy some after he dies?

Me: Sure

ME: *looks up from tarot card* So is Death laughing at a smoldering corpse a good thing?
PSYCHIC: *wide-eyed* At this point, I don’t know.

When you think about it, Jesus really accomplished a lot in the four months between Christmas and Easter.

I don’t have an angel and a devil on my shoulders.

It’s just two devils fighting over who’s gonna get me in the most trouble.