I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”
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My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time.
MY KID: can you do a cartwheel?
ME: not if i want to live
There is a time and a place for accosting people with baguettes (2 p.m., Whole Foods).
“And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” – God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.
*goes to watch youtube vid*
BUFFER
well okay *lifts weights*
*checks again*
BUFFER
*does steroids*
BUFFER
“WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME”
A Monday every week is excessive
[job interview]
“Do you have any addictions or habits that we should know about?”
*takes long drag from cigarette*
Not that I’m aware of.
My mom is downstairs with my husband asking him if his co-workers are “fun” and “cute”. He’s miserable and I’m crying laughing. #BadWife
Always be kind. You never know who might own a hot tub.
Me: it’s almost like if someone is interested in me I instinctively run away
Therapist: that’s interesting
Me: ok you seem nice but I gotta go
me: awhinersayswhat?
daughter: what?
*my wife and I high five*
Caesar salads are prepared differently than garden salads…Notably, the head of lettuce is first attacked by 40-50 knife-wielding senators.
“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff
I’ve never once been able to explain my car trouble to a mechanic without resorting to sound effects.
If white men can’t jump, how do you explain Super Mario?
doctor: how’s the weight loss plan going?
me: i’m doing my best
doctor: are….you drinking a glass of ranch?
me: best doesn’t mean good
I’m Indian but not “able to read sanskrit” Indian so slow down there Raj, aside from the heart eye emojis I have no idea wtf your DM means.
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
I have a sixth sense of humor. I laugh at dead people.
This is not an empty room, this is a very succesful anti-party
My date spent all night telling me that she loved Bad Boys – Then seemed disappointed when we got back to mine and I put the DVD on.
I don’t care if you have a thousand pens at home already, when someone offers you a pen YOU TAKE THAT PEN
The first thing you must do when arriving at any beach is write I AM OKAY in rocks just to let any planes passing overhead know that you don’t need rescuing.
*notices battery is at 4%*
*goes into airplane mode*
*turns down brightness*
*exits all apps*
*prays to jesus and compliments his sandals*
I love when the restaurant bathroom has different music playing than the restaurant. It’s like I’m going to Club Pee Pee
The only occasions in which I will run:
– Zombie apocalypse
– Salma Hayek is handing out all-you-can-eat baby back ribs
“It’s Your Birthday” Mateo Said. I Didn’t Respond. “Are You Not Excited To Be 15” He Asked. Reading My Book I Uttered “I Turned 15 Long Ago”
[Morgan Freeman voice] Isolated from his group, this penguin will not survive
[penguin voice] Hey dude, I can hear you.
Me: Waiter, check please!
Waiter: *checks under the table* No monsters, sir.
Me: Thank you.