I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”
You Might Also Like
All of my best ideas involve jail time.
No one has more ailments than a child who was put to bed.
[evening drive]
3yo: daddy
me: yes sweetie
3yo: the moon is following us
me: *floors it*
[first day on a new job]
Me: I’ll admit. I’m a workaholic. I tend to bring my work home with me.
Zoo keeper: Put down the penguin.
If they can make a nuclear reactor small enough to power a submarine, why can’t they make one for my house
the problem with buying a lovely loaf of bread is you then need to eat it in three days. toast for breakfast, sandwiches for lunch, toast for dinner, bread for a snack, bread in salad, bread as a hat, make a bread friend called bread and spend the night watching bread together
Shake what your momma gave you.
*shakes unemployed brother*
My dad’s pet name for my mom is tiger.
Let’s never discuss this again.
The scariest sound is an unknown crash followed by my 9 year old yelling “It’s OK! There’s nothing wrong! You don’t need to come up here”
Your call is important to us…unless this is Bob again, calling to say ‘I CAN believe it’s not butter.’ We’re sick of your shit, Bob.
Cleaned bathroom sink half hour ago. Then trimmed mustache over sink. Oh … That’s what all those women I lived with were complaining about.
I was slicing leftover ham as my kids were watching Peppa Pig and I was momentarily very sorry
wow my top song this year was my upset tummy sounding like a car driving on gravel
my sister: why do you delete so many tweets?
me: sometimes you don’t know something’s really stupid until you send it out into the world
my mother: *staring at me just a second too long*
Imagine if you had a sunflower seed as big as a laptop. That is everyday life for a hamster.
Got tazed by security for asking why is it called an airport when it’s on the ground.
Nature abhors a vacuum
My dog: frfr
poor people rarely die from ski related injuries
There’s Angie, and then there’s Drunk Angie, and one of us tried to make it to Mexico on an exercise bike.
Me: (singing along with the car radio)
Friend: You know why this artist sings this song?
Me: No, why?
Friend: So you don’t have to.
watching gymnastics
What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”
“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”
Her: I haven’t had sex in so long, I miss it
Me: Well we could…
Her: Not that much.
The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain’t good.
I told my son to go pick up the dog poop and he slowly looked at his dad, “I would if the lawn was mowed.” He got real brave with that.
A couple walks toward me with their dog, a Briard. Of course they want me to ask about the dog. I pretend I don’t speak English.
Word puns may make me numb but math puns make me number.
According to my chocolate advent calendar tomorrow is Christmas
Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.