I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”
You Might Also Like
Ever since CATS come out things have been way off
the quokka and the viscacha look like they’re on opposite ends of the happiness spectrum
Her: I chose you for your brains
Me: aww
Her: in case I ever become a zombie
I might carry a baby with one hand.
[cops showing wife my body]
“Why is he 50m from where he got shot?”
“Our best guess was he tried crawling home to clear his browser history”
Walk into karate dojo. Bow. Assume made up karate stance. Taser the first guy who runs at you. Bow. Exit karate dojo
Stop asking me why I do things, the answer is always “I panicked”
Alaska’s Passive Aggressive Map of the USA
Before encouraging everyone to “do whatever makes you happy,” ask if anyone is a sadist. Don’t encourage the sadists.
ME: we need to talk
BOYFRIEND: I agree. I was thinking—
ME: the fact that Rudolph’s nose was shiny says nothing about its actual luminosity & if it DID glow, red is the least bright light that human eyes see which is why it’s used in observatories. It wouldn’t help Santa at all
Moment of silence for the guy in Target who just said to his girlfriend, “that seems like a lot of money for face lotion.”
When someone says, “I haven’t seen you in forever,” a fun response is, “I know, we’re really not that good of friends”
Hate it when people tell me “don’t be stupid”. It’s not like I have a choice in the matter.
Candy cigarettes really use to be a thing and we really bought them and walked around like we were smokers at the tender age of 6.
My kid found my ice cream stash and now I have to eat it all tonight so I don’t have to share it tomorrow – parenting is tough and not for everyone
I picked my nephew up from daycare today, Mind you, he’s biracial but looks like a white kid. They asked him if he knew who I was and why did this man look me dead in my face and say he didn’t know me…
Had them people ready to call the cops on me.
A haunted house but for your spouse and lurking behind every corner is a larger and larger Amazon box.
[at the sistine chapel]
me: *raising my hand at the back of the tour group* so where are chapels one through fifteen
tour guide: *angry italian noises*
Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and wonder, “Do my children just spit directly at their face when brushing their teeth?”
I just ate an oatmeal raisin cookie so my kid didn’t have to.
He will be reminded of this sacrifice for many decades.
If couples who are in love are called love birds, then really, couples who always fight should be called angry birds!
does any one know where i could find some Unsolicited advice? preferably from people with weird personality disorders who dont know anything
Therapists only want one thing and frankly it’s discussing.
Judge: You have power of attorney?
Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?
*At the bar*
Me: What do you have on tap?
Bartender: Bud and Bud Light
Me: I’ll have a Coke.
Nice mustache, bro.
Her: What?
Sex scenes in movies are okay but the audience MUST BE WARNED. A red flashing light, words on the screen saying WARNING: SEX SCENE AHEAD and a loud ‘awooga! awooga!’ type siren would be a good start
A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”
I wish there was something called the pizza/enchilada/beer diet where you lost weight. Cause I’m on it and that’s not what’s happening.
I thought toddlers were the most energetic, obsessive, and relentless people on earth. And then someone got mad at me on Facebook.