I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”
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If you’re ovulating and have sex standing up…
Is it called a standing ovulation? Asking for a friend
GUY: Your logic is flawed. According to experts-
ME: Excuse me, but I practiced this argument in my head & you’re saying the wrong things
ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth
I hate when fire trucks drive real slow with the siren on. There’s one behind me right now. So annoying.
Shout out to the top 5 ain’ts in the world, no mountain high enough, no valley low enough, too proud to beg, no sunshine when she’s gone and afraid of no ghosts.
[ walking down the soap and detergent isle at the store ]
14: it smells like chores in here
Computer: Login failed. Did you forget your password?
Me: oh shi–[Cut to my password waiting alone on the side of a soccer field]
I finally got my 11yo interested in a sport, and all it took was hiring a pretty 16yo girl to coach him.
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I wanna punch them in the face and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
My bank called me: “sir did you go to dominos at midnight three days in a row in Florida?”
Me:….yah
Bank:*long pause* “alright then”
My daughter thought putting glue on her hands would help her walk up the walls, we’re both a little disappointed that it didn’t work.
Him: you’d look better if you took your glasses off
Me: no I’ve tried that and I just look blurry
If I post camping pics I’m being held against my will
Hollywood is done for – you might not believe me, but this is Al.
Apparently being half naked on a conference call is especially not appropriate when it’s the left half.
At the doctor they asked me how tall I was and I said 5’5 (which has been on my drivers license for my entire life) and the nurse said “hmmmmm” then measured and you guys I AM 5’3!! My entire life has been a lie.
“How many dead bodies do I have to leave on the porch before they acknowledge me?”
-Cats
Very good news from my accountant
If I don’t make this right hand turn going exactly 3 mph, the entire universe will explode & everyone will die.
– the lady in front of me
Fun fact: If Celine Dion sang only the vowels in her name, it would be the lyrics to Old McDonalds Farm.
My dog stopped digging after I told him he’s just gonna end up in China.
I’d give my left arm to be able to leave work and go kayaking.
Albeit it in very slow counterclockwise circles.
ME: Sorry we’re late. My daughter couldn’t find her pet spatula.
DAUGHTER: Chad.
ME: Yes. Chad the Spatula.
When your boss asks you “do I look stupid to you?” it’s a rhetorical question
I know this now
[throws milk at cows]
go be with your family
What in the hipster hell is going on here
[my first day at the spa]
*gently lays an entire cucumber on your eyelids*
Last night my wife got pissed because I kicked the ice cubes I dropped under the refrigerator. But now it’s just water under the fridge.
me: what do we say if a stranger tries to give us candy?
5:
me:
5: we say thank you
Me: You don’t have to tell me twice.
Narrator: 38 times. You have to tell her 38 times.