I once accidentally joined a cult because I zoned out mid-conversation and just kept saying “yeah, of course” every few minutes.
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“We have nothing to fear but fear itself.”
-People who have never seen a flying cockroach
*bumpes into my ex on the street
*dials a number
Hello, Satan? Dude I thought we had an agreement?!
I take it personally when the UPS guy drops off a package for my neighbors but doesn’t bring me one.
me: how old is your baby?
her: 46 weeks
me, struggling w/the math: may i offer him a beer?
Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.
When you need a dentist who’s also a snake handler. That.
accidentally emailed my crush a bunch of pics of me in my karate uniform again
I can feel my cat judging me as I lick the spilt gravy off of her coat.
Saw someone from high school. She said she hadn’t seen me in years. That’s likely because I’d always seen her first.
My husband got me Alexa for Christmas, like I need another person in the house claiming they didn’t hear me.
Mouse
What’s the longest you’ve walked around looking for your raccoon when it was on your head the whole time.
My personal best is 16 hours.
If life gives you a cactus that doesn’t mean you have to sit on it.
[sits backwards in chair so i look cool]
date: you’re gonna miss the movie
Pro tip: Do your makeup before you start drinking.
Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.
there should be a “take your friend to work day” so we can actually see what our friends do all day and meet the characters from all their work stories
Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.
WINDOWS: update? 🙂
ME: I can’t
WINDOWS: later? 🙂
ME: I don’t know if I—
WINDOWS: pwease? 🙂
ME: fine, later tho
WINDOWS: *immediately restarting* oops 🙂
Weird; People in my office have started naming the food in the company fridge. Today I ate a tuna sandwich named Kevin.
Hubs: Kids are still asleep! Know what that means?
Me: We have to be quick!
*Runs to the hidden box of Cocoa Puffs and pours 2 big bowls*
My son works part time at McDonald’s and did a shift today. I asked him, as it’s Easter, if they were serving Hoppy Meals and he told me that he hopes he’s adopted.
My neighbour won’t stop talking about his Rolex and I can’t believe someone stole it tomorrow
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
When you wear a cardigan for the very first time it’s just called a card
How to impress your ex:
1. Get rich
2. Get more attractive
3. Get a tiger
4. Ride tiger everywhere in preparation for confrontation with ex
Joke’s on you home invader. I don’t have fancy jewelry, and I already ate all the Little Debbie snack cakes.
If you’d like to be left alone just carry a doll everywhere you go.
Name’s Bond. James Bond. *Drinks martini* Jame’s Bond. Names Bond. *drinks another martini* Bame’s Jond. *Drinks 1 more* THIS IS MY SONG WOO
A meth lab sounds like a terrible dog.