I once asked for their policy on afternoon naps at a job interview.
…turns out they don’t like that.
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joined a counterstrike game and no one was talking. second round i randomly meowed and a guy with the username “dog”, with a profile picture of a dog, called a vote kick and i was gone within 5 seconds. wtf lmao
Me: “Alexa, put on some jazz and pour me a drink.”
My daughter, Alexandra: “Stop calling me that! Crap like this is why I live with Dad!”
Professor: most of you won’t pass this course
Me: cool so you’re like, Real shitty at your job
I wouldn’t mind being put on hold so much if companies programmed in a jukebox so I could pick the music I listen to while I wait
Ladies, the word for the day is “legs.” Spread the word.
If corporations are people then that’s really gross because we walk inside of them all the time.
Got all naked, baby oiled myself up, and jumped on his desk.
Slid into the wall so hard I’m suction-cupped
*my wife opens my sock drawer & sees that it’s filled with bite sized candy bars. she looks over at me*
did you go trick or treating again last night?
Me: *pretending to smoke a hotdog like a cigar
Passport photographer: No
I’m Phoenician, as in, “Nobody better stop me from Phoenician all of these donuts.”
ME: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
PRODUCER: You mean a choir?
ME: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
Cult Leader: Our god must be appeased
Me: Maybe he’d like to be acarroted instead
Cult Leader: …
Wife: Omg I can’t take you anywhere
spell your crushes name backwards mine’s ninotores
murderer: i forgot all my murder weapons
me: i’ll wait
*gets down to snails level*
IF YOU JUST TELL ME WHERE YOU’RE TRYING TO GET TO THEN I CAN HELP YOU GET THERE FASTER.
Me: Go to school!
9yr Old: It’s Sunday.
Me: Go to church!
9yr Old: I’m Jewish.
Me: Convert!
My son is practicing his French horn and I love the arts, I was so excited for my kids to love them, but wow he’s pretty bad.
saw some family i haven’t seen in 30 yrs & now i’m good for another 30 yrs
Truth or dare should be renamed to “interrogation or humiliation”
[leaning against the wall like a cool guy in an 80s music video]
Me: *slow nods at pretty girl*
Pharmacist: Sir…your suppositories are ready
As I sit in isolation for hours, planning to keep a safe distance from my family, I hear them outside the door, shouting words of encouragement.
Like my kids saying, “Make us breakfast!”
And my wife adding, “GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM. YOU AREN’T SICK!”
I only went to medical school to figure out where your arms are supposed to go when you sleep and they didn’t even teach us that… so now what
BELLE: *Trying to be polite* So, why do they call you Beast?
BEAST: *Legitimately surprised and hurt* People call me Beast?
Owner: I want to charge 6.99 for a cookie
Devil: I’ve got an idea
you could hypothetically power a vehicle using a strong enough hot dog gun
me: “spends hours with my favourite person”
me as soon as they leave:
Mary on Facebook says this generation is way to reliant on technology…
She then sent me 7 Candy Crush invites
how are we gonna sell our car this year? how about a commercial where the car is driving around on roads. great work everyone time for lunch
You probably can’t even pick your own skeleton out of a lineup.
*Removes ‘Loves to bake’ from online dating profile
