Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kids are so cute how they use every single glass you own and then make you search for them around the house like an Easter egg hunt from hell.

im pitting my doctors against each other like divorced parents. tellin my dentist that the podiatrist said i can have sugar cubes

Pretty woman, the kind that don’t eat meat
Pretty woman, the kind that likes to hug trees
Ohoh what can I do? She’s making me eat vegan food

The word résumé has fireworks coming out of it to help with the pronunciation yet we’re left to fend for ourselves with colonel?

Judging by the hair on my black shirt , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.

Monica just destroyed the internet

Couldn’t of?! COULDN’T OF?? Oh really? You could not of? Interesting.

If another mom leaves her kids with her husband to meet you out somewhere and you bring your toddler, that is considered an act of war.

Five second rule? Pfft. What’s the point of having an immune system if you’re not going to use it?

The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.

6yo: Mommy, I hope you don’t have the doctor cut your belly open to get the baby out.

4yo: Yeah, hopefully they just do the way where they squeeze it out.

Me: I’m not sure either of you really understands how labor and delivery works.

Dog Mechanic: The repair is gonna take longer than expected.

“Why’s that?”

Dog Mechanic: The clutch is worn out, also because I am a dog.

Through the drive thru speaker: would you like to try the chicken club

Me: [ imagining chickens getting down on the dance floor ] hell yes I would

My daughter cuddled into me and said she loves me, which I thought was really cute until I realised she was stealing my muffin

Filling my pez dispenser with ibuprofen for whimsical pain relief

Kid: Everything poops?

Me: Kinda

K: Trees don’t poop

M: Trees produce waste, which in their case is oxygen

K: So we’re breathing tree poop?

M:

K:

M: Don’t you have XBox to play or something?

Me: Now remember, just let me do all the talking.

Wife:

Marriage counselor:

Me: I think we’ve made a lot of progress here today.

Things true crime has ruined for me: hiking, jogging, dating, marriage, lighting up a room.

*runs 3 steps*

my heart: if u don’t stop i will

This coworker is in a really good mood this morning, so I hacked his Facebook account and wrote “sexy” on all of his wife’s friends’ pics.

going to ask seven friends for advice and then execute my original plan

Flex on your party guests by requiring a CAPTCHA to flush

Did you know that an apple can accidentally be flushed down the toilet in a perfect storm of events?

We do, now.

(Just kidding; it’s only half-flushed & is now stuck in the pipes & my god why are kids like this.)

Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”

Jesus: and when there was but 1 set of footprints, there I carried u

Me: (checks fitbit) ok, phew, it counted the steps, I still got credit

this year felt like being awake during surgery

I want my morning coffee to give the same amount of energy that my kids get when they hear me say it’s bedtime.

11:34: Arrived at crime scene

11:34: Examined body. Signs of a struggle

11:34: Found murder weapon in drain

11:34: Realized watch was broken

the way turkeys feel about november is probably how treadmills feel about january

90% of parenting, is saying different variations of “We don’t eat waffles with our feet”.