I once asked for their policy on afternoon naps at a job interview.
…turns out they don’t like that.
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It’s impossible to buy a mirror that isn’t used
I’ve known my dog for 11 years but she still eats like I’m going to steal it from her
so
the limit is 412 chicken nuggets
Me: I don’t understand why no one takes me seriously.
Also me: *wearing Cheetos like walrus tusks*
*crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*
Me: I’ve lost my kitten
Cop: How would you best describe him?
Me: He looks like a miniature cat
I told my husband I wanted a hedgehog and he said we don’t need a hedgehog. Long story short, we’re picking it up on Thursday.
My neighbor’s cat got into the booth with me when I was testing my teleportation device and now there’s cat hair all over my genes.
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: what does that mean?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: what did you say?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: one more time my ears aren’t the best.
God: you have perfect hearing.
Dog:
God:
Dog:
God: you’re a good boy.
Dog: [tail wag] : )
David Bowie: We can be heroes
Me: No thanks
David Bowie: Just for one—
Me: I said I’m not interested
You can tell you’re getting old when the barber spends less time on the top of your head and more time on your ears.
if you compliment a dude’s shirt, you better mean it, because that’s the only shirt he’ll wear out for the next five years.
I was 14, my dad caught me drinking. ‘Dad, that’s the first time’
‘That’s a lie, no one ever gets caught the first time.’
So I robbed a bank
Just show up everyday and be consistent.
Toddlers make it easy to do that especially when they come to your room and just show up in your face, silently, at 3 am staring at you.
Me: *explains math problem*
Tween: I don’t understand.
Me: *explains the exact same way except more aggravated*
US: you need to build credit to show you are responsible with money
me: ok so my credit score will improve if i pay off a debt?
US: lmao
me: ?
US: are you serious
These eyebrows are not my children but I will certainly raise them
Waiter: would you like a lobster bib
Me: [imagining how tiny and cute that would be] obviously
Doctor is treating me with a steroid for my poison ivy and said it will make me very hungry and irritable, so no one should see any changes in my behavior.
Pandemic’s been going on so long quarantine is now quaranadult
I’m on chapter two of the dictionary and this thing is just so disconnected. Like, what happened to the aardvark from the beginning?
Me: eats spicy Szechuan for lunch
My guts the next day: look, we’ve had this discussion before
Me: What did you do today while I was at work?
Dog: Me? Nothing. Just slept.
Me: I think you’re lying.
Dog: *visibly sweating* why do you say that?
If someone is bothering you with unneccessary calls to your cell number, post their number on eBay with the ad “iPhone 5S for $1 only”
Maybe mama duck isn’t leading her babies, maybe she’s trying to outrun them.
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead Linda
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT DOGS COOKING PIZZAS
SE: -on your sub?
ME: PUPPERONI
My father will accept 10 ripe avocados in exchange for my hand in marriage.
Other kids growing up wanted to be a cowboy or a spaceman. Me, I wanted to be a hippopotamus.
And I’ve still got time.