I once asked for their policy on afternoon naps at a job interview.
…turns out they don’t like that.
You Might Also Like
I just found out Canada isn’t real
Turns out it was all mapleleaf
I’m dying!! A bear cub went and ate my aunt’s pies today of ALL DAYS!!! 🤣🤣
God: *brings ribs to the wedding feast*
Adam: That’s not funny.
Each one of us has a secret. My secret is that I can’t keep a secret. Also Jill is a lesbian.
Cop: First name please…
“Frida”
Cop: Last name…
“Gomam”
Cop: You’re Frida Gomam?
*peels out*
Cop: Nice, nice
Sex so good, my left hand is making my right hand a sandwich.
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Can you answer a question?
Y E S
What’s the meaning of life?
L O O K B E H I N D Y O U
There’s nothing there.Oh.
Me: Let me stay over. I’ll burn you breakfast in the morning.
Her: You mean BRING me breakfast.
Me: *pulls battery from smoke alarm* Yeah
the earth is not round nor flat. the earth is chicken tenders
Forgot to use a coupon my wife gave me so now I have to hide it like it’s a dead body.
I put my fitbit on my ankle so that when I’m out in public I look like a felon who escaped house arrest and people won’t want to talk to me
When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder…does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?
Ever since CATS come out things have been way off
1920’s: Women were fighting for equality and the poor were suffering while the rich prospered at their expense.
2020’s: Women are fighting for equality and the poor are suffering while the rich prosper at their expense but we have the Internet now.
Him: sex tonight?
Me: Work put me in a bad mood
Him: tomorrow?
Me: I have a headache tomorrow
Haloween is over, but i just saw a group of people dressed up as the ghosts of the Cone Heads.
Somebody should market a beer called “Occasionally”.
So when asked, I can say, “I only drink occasionally”.
This kid will have a bright future.
If you’re on the fence about having kids, repeat “Put your shoes on, please” 100 times in a row until you’re in a blinding rage & see if it’s right for you.
Me after 1 airport cocktail:
Better than the last 5 star wars movies. 😂😂
One time I ran into an old friend and she said “omg you haven’t met my baby” and i said “omg I had no idea” and the next day I went to her house with a baby gift and her baby was a goddamn cat.
I’m starting to suspect the Christmas tradition of the kids cleaning the house for Santa while the parents nap is just something my parents made up.
I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.
Wife: What are you gonna do today?
Me: Shower.
W: …what else?
M: Make a new iTunes playlist.
W: Wow.
M: Might not have time for a shower.
Me: The door’s locked
Salt: Push it
Me: It’s locked
Pepa: Push it
Me: That won’t work, think of something else
Salt:
Pepa:
Salt:
Pepa:
Both: Push it real good?
Candy corn is the rare candy that’s worse than than the vegetable it’s based on.
blade runner wouldn’t drive anything bc then he’d be blade driver y’all are so stupid.
ME: [holding up boombox outside your bedroom window] DO YOU HAVE FOUR D BATTERIES THAT I COULD BORROW
are those your eyebrows, or did you headbutt a box of Sharpies