I once attended a wedding on short notice. My wife signed the card for us, and because they were my friends she accidentally addressed it to the bride and their cat, because I had talked about their cat more than my friend
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What kind of bears don’t have teeth? Gummi bears. 😉
“No. Delete it.” -Mona Lisa
self-esteem’s so bad my fantasies are hurting my feelings
One time I was so sad I wrote an entire Radiohead album.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I’ll put a whisk in the spatula drawer when I’m emptying the dishwasher.
Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.
Maybe we should put monkeys in charge for a while just to see how it goes.
A news report says hackers stole $1 Billion dollars from banks around the world. And several pens.
Arkansas is just Kansas for pirates.
Just know that if I go up to the hand sanitizer machine and it doesn’t dispense anything, I’m still running my hands together. 🙏🏼
[moving her panties to the side]
HEY MAA, I’M MAKING ROOM FOR MY LEGOS IN YOUR UNDERWEAR DRAWER.
Vegan zombies be like: GRAINS!
On our way back from hotel pool, door card doesn’t work. Francophone BF heads to reception to get new card and returns.
Him: Wow, there was a huge line up at reception but when I told them I had a wet girlfriend waiting at the door they all let me in..
If Home Depot doesn’t want me doing body rolls in the lumber aisle then they shouldn’t be playing Gloria Estefan.
Mother: can you please fix my computer
Me: *leans back in chair* well… well … well … if it isn’t Miss ‘Get Off That Computer’ Years 1994 to 2006
I don’t go to parties that are “8 ’til late” because I think those two things are the same.
A lorry carrying pens, rulers and compasses has overturned on the M1.
Traffic is currently stationery in both directions.
You can be anyone you want on twitter, so I’m a little surprised so many guys chose “creepy weird dude.”
I’m trying to find my niche, and my nechphew
There were shockingly few machete murders at tennis camp.
Average Home Depot experience: 19 year old needs to page the store manager to ask which aisle the light bulbs are in
Average Ace Hardware experience: 79 year old walks you through every aisle of the store and after 4 hours you know how to build a house from the ground up
I hate it when I finally finish doing the laundry then look up to see my family walking around wearing clothes
I just said “love you” to my boss when I put the phone down. Who’s got a spare room I can live out of?
HER: Let’s do some role playing
ME: Okay, be ur sister
HER: I was thinking a sexy profession..
ME: Oh okay. What’s ur sister do for work?
Her: What’d you just eat?
Me: Leftover porkchop.
Her: Ok but what’s that sauce?
Me: The sauce that you made to go with the pork chops.
Her: That’s not the sauce… I don’t know what you found in the fridge…WebMd: You’re gonna die.
Queen: Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: Not exactly ON the wall
King: I said I’d do it at the weekend. Get off my back, Sandra
I don’t think my car can fly
YUCKING OTHER PEOPLE’S YUM IS VERY UNBECOMING
Happy birthday to actor Sam Elliot, who turns 80 today, and to his mustache, who turns 79.
If you see me in the baby section at the store, there’s no bun in the oven. Just a cat at home that clearly needs a onesie.