I once attended a wedding on short notice. My wife signed the card for us, and because they were my friends she accidentally addressed it to the bride and their cat, because I had talked about their cat more than my friend
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my dream is to be involved in a heist and say “uh oh, we’ve got company” when the police arrive
(cant remember king kong’s name) you know. the monkey. the big monkey. really big. he hates that lizard. but sometimes he is friends with the lizard? the lizard is also big
Geico commercials should just show pictures of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say “people like this are out there.”
My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.
90% of your body is water. 6% is delusion. 4% is lies.
Everyone’s allowed one Tolkien pun just don’t make it a hobbit
Banderslack Clamberdorch
What is wrong with Riverdale that ARCHIE was the best option?
[ creating bats ]
god: well we already made birds
angel:
god:
angel: what if they were goth
god: omg what IF they were goth tho
friend: I have cancer
me: (remembering that laughter is the best medicine) lol
Brat summer is out, attic wife autumn is in. We’re hissing at people. We’re withdrawing from society. We’re growing our hair below our waist. We’re setting fire to his curtains. We’re gaslighting his new side piece.
‘oh there’s not a big enough piece of cheese left to grate I’ll just eat this last bit’ *shoves 2/3 of a mozzarella ball in my mouth*
I’m all “class”.
The first two letters really aren’t necessary.
If horror movies have taught me anything it’s that you can build a house on an Indian burial ground & yet still be haunted by white people.
An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.
Kids save all their deepest questions about the universe for when you’re singing along to a really good song in the car.
Me: so this is a weird photo shoot lmao
The cop who’s processing me: would you just shut up already
Whenever I see a photo of a baby captioned “this little guy is going to change the world”, I just imagine that baby committing various crimes.
Going to a strangers baby shower 45 minutes away, this baby better make an appearance for all that effort.
Kid: Can we pleeease stop for ice cream?
Mom: What did I just say?!?
Kid: Don’t you remember?
Her: draw me like one of your French girls
Me, seductively: *puts her hand onto paper* this will be the perfect hand turkey
The @NewYorker buying Twitter ads to promote its article about how Twitter is dying kind of undercuts the thesis
[Giving my kid some valuable life advice] If you’re having cereal for dinner, you have at least two bowls. Otherwise it’s just a snack.
Who called it a henhouse attendant …
and not a chicken tender ?
Stands at the gates of hell.
Waves to my mother in law.
Leaves.
Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.
Creepy guy at gas station: you got boyfriend?
Me: um yes. I’m married.
CG: *shrugs* your loss.
Me:
CG:
My favorite part of eating alone at this trendy restaurant was when the waitress asked if I had cats because I had cat hair, “all over.”
I replaced the bulb in my refrigerator with a tanning bulb… that way if I ever get fat, at least I’ll have nice color.