I once attended a wedding on short notice. My wife signed the card for us, and because they were my friends she accidentally addressed it to the bride and their cat, because I had talked about their cat more than my friend
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Baby is your name pasture because you reek of pure bullshit
If the sprayer in the sink can’t get it off and the dishwasher can’t get it off then I assume it’s just meant to be a part of the pan.
DAD: *to my brother* Just be yourself.
ME: And me?
DAD: Just be your brother.
Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise
I won every fight in 1st grade.
Not because I was tough, because I was 13.
It’s wild how many grown adults complain about being in debt. Like, it’s not hard. I have zero debt in my early 30s, all because I’ve worked since I was 16, I don’t spend money on things I don’t need, and my great great grandfather invented doors.
I hate it when people tell me to “stay in your lane!” Granted i’m drunk at the bowling alley, but it’s still uncalled for.
Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.
My husband threw away a perfectly good box as if we might not need it in 20 years.
A wise man once told me,
“Sir for just 50 cents more, you can add cheese to that”
They must have had a really good laugh when doctors realized that thermometers could be taken orally too.
police chief: you are using the police dogs wrong
me watching a dog bark at a criminal in the interrogation room: give him five more minutes
*takes off Scooby-Doo head*
Rivorce?!
Just in case to be clear #gbbo
When I’m baking a chocolate cake, all I want is the recipe, you can skip the history of cacao dating back to the Aztecs
Pretty much everyone I’ve ever met has told me to stop exaggerating
Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan have a fight to the death. Who will win?
Everybody.
Me: Boom! Drops the mic!
12yo: Nobody says that anymore Mom.
Me: Oh? What do they say?
12yo: I’m not telling you.
If my skinny friend keeps complaining that she’s fat, I may have to throw one of my breakfast donuts at her.
kinda rude that my bank told me how much money i spent on food this month. what if i didn’t want to know that
Bison may look friend-shaped, but they already have all the friends they want. Keep your distance and don’t make it awkward.
THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO???? WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO?????
They said it was a staff infection, but I’m pretty sure some customers got it as well.
Remember when I told you that joke about the chiropractor?
It was about a week back…
(Slaps knee!)
7-year-old: I jumped in a puddle and almost drowned!
Me: You’re exaggerating.
7: It was in that puddle you always complain about.
Okay, it might have been deep enough.
*Throws caution to the wind*
*gets covered in caution*
Everything is arbitrary to kids so you can invent any rule you want, just present it as a normal rule. We wear a seatbelt in the car. We wear a helmet on our bike. We wear a disguise to the bank
Pre school teacher: here’s your kids artwork
Me: it’s got glitter on it
PST:
Me: STOP SENDING GLITTER-COVERED ART HOME OR I’LL CALL THE POLICE
PST: I don’t think the police-
Me: GOOD DAY TO YOU SIR
Next time my wife asks me to open a jar, I’m gonna tell her I have a headache.
“Daddy, I want to watch Dora.” Sweetie this is Dora. It’s the one where she plays an NBA basketball game against the Brooklyn Nets