I once banged the Michelin Man…it was tiresome
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[the last supper]
Waiter: ok, your bill comes to 30 pieces of silver
Judas: I got this
mariah carrie
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
I’m chaperoning a graduation party tonight. I have lots of fun activities planned.
I hope they like monopoly.
Sometimes i think my life sucks. Then i look at the lives of others. Then it hits me. My life does suck!!
gollum: *coughs on ring*
frodo: you know what, keep it
HER: (seductively) Is it true what they say about guys with big shoes?
CLOWN: They hide under people’s beds and murder them?
My 6 y/o and I are pretending to be on the show Alone. We each get to pick 10 survival items. My first item is coffee and his is a whoopee cushion. I think we’re ready for the real show.
My wife got this cool remote start thing that starts the car when cold, turns up the heat, fills it with gas
It’s me, I’m the remote start.
We have received 4 Christmas cards this week. I’m glad to see so many others don’t have their shit together either.
The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didn’t go to Jared®️
My daughter wrote a story at school about a sad cat that drinks cocktails so I should probably call her teacher
Only take relationship advice from people who have really healthy relationships. So, no one
ME: (dead silent)
ALEXA: I can hear your heartbeat.
[throwing a party]
I invited Judas. That okay?
“Judas from IT, or the guy who betrayed Jesu-”
*loud knock*
“It’s the Roman legion. Open up!”
7-year-old: *dumps her toy dinosaurs all over the floor*
Me: You can’t just leave your dinosaurs everywhere.
7-year-old: It was their planet first.
It’s 3am and my neighbor across the street is sorting two garbage bins full of cabbages on his front lawn. Whatever gets you through the night, man.
me: going to the gym
friend: but it’s 2AM
me: got to exercise my demons
I had a really fun date last night but when I went back to his place he had like an unsettling number of beanbag chairs? Approximately 7? Just isn’t sitting right.
Friend: hey man can you recommend a good book to prepare us for having a toddler?
Me: yeah try the Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde.
How to answer the door:
1. See person has arrived
2. Wait for doorbell
3. Count to five
4. Open and act surprised
“I’m so hungry, I could eat a human baby.” Everyone in Whole Foods stares at me stunned “Corn-fed organic of course, I’m not a monster.”
Pat Sajak: I’m Pat Sajak.
Me: Jack.
Pat Sajak: No, my last name is Sajak.
Me: Jack
A lot of people are mad that I broke into the zoo and dyed all the bears white. It’s polarizing.
[Walmart customer service]
ME: i want to talk to the manager.
MANAGER: hi sir is there a problem?
ME: no, i just want to talk.
[1st date]
HER: So do you have any hobbies?
SALT SHAKER: Nice dress! It would look great on my floor
HER: What?!
HIM: Just ventriloquism
COP: Freeze!!!
EXCEL: LOL no problem
Dogdamnit, autocarrot.
I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato