I once banged the Michelin Man…it was tiresome
You Might Also Like
Still disappointed that the only hard thing in my bed lately has been my mattress.
I am on my second week of biweekly pay so today I will be showing you how to make a quesadilla out of paper towels
you learn something new every day oh god make it stop
Dreamed I won the lottery last night – $35 on a scratch ticket. Clearly I have a rich fantasy life lately.
Pro Tip: don’t buy cheap duct tape. Your basement guests can chew right through that.
[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that
People always tell me to act my age so I bought expensive cheese.
there’s a pig in my mom’s neighborhood who escapes her home to roam the neighborhood every couple days and someone will hit their community fb page like “penelope is over here eating my tomatoes” and the owner will be like “god dammit i’ll be right there”
Shout out to coworkers that wait until the final 5 minutes of a meeting to ask 20 questions. We all hate you
Anti-Hero if Taylor Swift was in a SKA BAND @Skatunenetwork
Me: I love you
7yo: I love you too
Me: l love you to infinity
7yo: I love you to infinity too
Me: l love you more than ice cream
7yo:
7yo: what flavor?
Parent Tip: don’t tell your child “I’m waiting, I can wait all day if I have to” unless you’ve actually cleared your schedule for the day.
Why are ghosts always just moaning? Did your manners die too? Use your words!
Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine
I might consider rejoining the Catholic church if the Pope knew karate. Otherwise forget it.
My husband put on a ratty old t shirt and asked me how it looked and I had to break it to him that it’d look better in the trash which apparently is marriage code for “it’s probably good for another five years at least.”
Imagine you’re about to have surgery and right before the anesthesia kicks in you notice a “University of Phoenix” degree on the wall
My daughter found and ate my hidden chocolate and her reason was she thought they were for everyone.
That
I don’t like using the locker room at the gym cuz the guys always stare when they notice my gym bag is filled with lasagna
Beth on Facebook “Can’t believe its Monday again already”… if only there were some way for her to calculate the order in which days occur.
“Square up your hips.”
“Alright.”
“Your elbows need to come up.”
“Is all this really necessary?”
“Have you seen the news?”
“No.”
“They’re coming for us, Sid.”
Probably the one thing that separates us from the animals is that animals don’t package and sell people crackers.
Who said Humpty Dumpty was an egg at any point in that little song! The artist just sat there like “lol i’m gonna f*** with them and draw him as an egg”
At what age should you put the tonsils back in
JOB INTERVIEWER: It says here on your resume that you’re an overachiever
ME: Yes for example I’m having my mid-life crisis way ahead of middle-age
Oh sure, the continents get to drift forever and it’s “a natural geologic process” but when I do it I’m “wasting my potential.”
my allergies were acting up so i took allergy medicine. now i’m sleepy and my allergies are acting up.
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”
A lady in Walmart told her son “PUT THAT SHIT BACK” so loud I almost put my shit back
WITCH (using her broom for just sweeping): did we give up our dreams?
WIZARD (using his pointy hat as a piping bag for cupcake icing): yes