I once banged the Michelin Man…it was tiresome
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I’m not saying I spend a lot of time in the restroom, I’m just saying if you walk into my stall you can be charged with home invasion…
4yo: Raise your hand if you are young
Me: *raises hand
4yo: No, daddy, not you.
Me: I’m really worried about becoming a first time dad, I’m just so forgetful.
10yo daughter: You don’t need to tell me.
Getting super good at pushing people away then wondering why I’m all alone.
when you see my three typing dots linger there for a long time just know I’m fighting an epic battle with autocorrect
[baby pushes food away as I try feeding it]
Fine. Die.
“Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“I said… Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“Ted?”
“THAT’s what an unanswered text feels like, Sue.”
You’re not a real teacher until a student shares with you that your fly has been down most of the class period.
Interviewer: It says here you’re interested in waterfowl genealogy.
Me: I became fascinated with the subject when I noticed that both Daffy Duck and Donald Duck share the same family name and both their names begin with D.
Interviewer:
Me: And neither wears pants
‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.
Ever notice how many towns are named after their water tower?
Most bags of sand live a tough life stopping floods. But some, the lucky ones, live a leisurely life tied to the basket of a hot air balloon
The very first thing I think of doing when I buy a new electrical appliance is immersing it in water so I’m really glad the instructions warn against that.
Cashier: I love your lip gloss!
Me: Thanks, it’s food court teriyaki chicken glaze.
You don’t have to buy high thread count sheets. Just buy cheap sheets and use them for 20 years. Like butter, I tell you.
I’m not dramatic but my money has to be facing all the same way and right side up, otherwise the world will explode.
Him: I know your secret
Me:*nervously sweating, remembering my Netflix history* Yeah?
H: You killed someone
M: *relieved* Oh, haha. Yep
To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You’re a bad person.
To the guy that stole my anti-depressants, I hope you’re happy now
when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and i’m trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible
Trying to binge watch a show when you’re a parent takes about 20 years, apparently.
Huge sale this weekend, we have too many mountain lions, please come buy a mountain lion, this was a horrible business plan, one guy got ate
Wifey: We should get a chest freezer.
Me: We don’t need a freezer that big.
Wifey: What if we need to hide bodies?
Me: I love you.
Interviewer: Your resume says that you’re good at multitasking
[me while painting nails]: Obvi
Interviewer: Please stop touching my nails
“well i asked asked her to move in after 3 months but i don’t think-”
[cop interrupts me] do you know how fast you were going IN YOUR CAR
We are trained since birth that happiness comes from boobs or bottles.
He asked me to use smaller words, so I pat him on the head as I said “bye-bye”.
Voting is the worst group project
person: can you keep a secret?
me: I’ll never share what you say but it will weigh on me and negatively affect my life
person: oh thank god
Pronounces “biochemist” as “beyotch mist”