I once beat boxed for over 6 hours trying to impress a girl before finding out she was deaf.
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I’LL SAY WHEN I’VE HAD ENOUGH! KEEP ‘EM COMING, BARTENDER!!
*handing me another espresso*
The term is barista, ma’am.
I wish other jobs let us solve issues by releasing diss tracks. got some sick rhymes about debbie from accounting and her poorly structured invoicing
Every time I open my mouth, some idiot starts talking.
adulthood is definitely the worst hood I have ever been to
My safe word is extra cheese
…in queso emergency.
He thinks the lipstick kiss I left on his bedroom mirror was for him, but I was just kissing my reflection.
OK hear me out, A corn dog except it’s just a hotdog on a stick covered in onion rings.
Nigella has gone too far this time.
Im not saying the ‘70s were perfect, but somewhere along the line we lost focus and forgot that all chase scenes demand banjo music
Setting my alarm for 3am.
Going to text this to a coworker and go back to bed until 6.
Then we’ll be even.
Back seat drivers are all the same..
“Why we going into the woods?” “Let me out”
me: ooh wonder what kind of hawk that is
my 5yo, helpfully: maybe a mo-hawk
Kids be like “I owe you $5, would you like it all in quarters?”
It should be illegal for your kids to change their favorite color without giving you a 30 day notice
There are two wolves inside me, one just took a brisk 1 hr walk while a drinking a gallon of water and the other binged an entire show and downed a pint of ice cream.
I want to make medical bracelets that say “In case of emergency, delete browser history”
My mating call in winter is just me shaving my legs.
me: i can’t believe you cheated on me
him: phew! I was worried you’d believe it
Which essential oil is best for getting people to stop talking to you
If you get an 8-year-old a drone, you’ll also need batteries and a 26-foot ladder.
I have eaten 16 of this car salesman’s tic-tacs while he was away from his desk. He wasn’t even gone long. I just can’t be unattended around tic-tacs.
Yelling “you’re not my real ladder!” at your step ladder.
[contacting you by Ouija board after murdering you]
AND ANOTHER THING
has anything been recalled more than romaine? honest question
Just used the holiday card with your kid’s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
The gardener at my work put beer in the garden to catch slugs
SO GUESS WHO JUST BECAME A SLUG
grandma what big eyes u have
The better to see u with my dear
What big ears u have
Well thats kinda rude
What big teeth u have
Ur grounded
17: If I was gay would you still love me?
Me: Of course.
17: If I committed crimes?
Me: Yes.
17: If I voted for Trump-
Me: Dead to me.
Husband: My mom will be over in 30 minutes.
Me: *immediately starts cleaning the kitchen*
Husband: *immediately starts cleaning the one closet nobody goes in*
To provide better customer service, we’ve put a chat bot on our site to make sure you’re hung in an infinite loop without solving the problem, buried our phone number, & staffed our phone lines with people who follow a notebook flow chart before dropping your call
–companies