I once beat boxed for over 6 hours trying to impress a girl before finding out she was deaf.
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That awkward moment when the poltergeist in the TV calls you by the wrong name.
My grandma & grandpa’s double headstone reads “I tried” and “No you didn’t”
Smallpox sounds so adorable
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
Me: gentleman of this truck stop bathroom, please boo that kid for not washing his hands
All: BOOOO!
kid: I am telling mom
if I was a horned animal fighting another male for a mate and I lost, I would just go up to one of the females after and be like “I won.” They don’t even watch
Before records were invented, people used to say: u sound like an opera singer that keeps repeating himself
I once read the words “You have bewitched me body and soul” but your eggplant emoji is nice too.
An increasingly frustrated ax murderer making throat clearing sounds outside my window as I’m splayed on the couch drinking Cheeto crumbs
Some music just moves you. For example this Taylor Swift song playing on the radio makes me wanna drive off a cliff
When I was younger, I thought all the sexual acts were numbered and everyone just knew them, like 69.
So I would just say random numbers and act surprised when others didn’t know about it.
On Twitter, I still need to pretend I know what y’all talking about..
I have pepper spray and I’m not afraid to use it.
*rifles around in purse* No, that’s not it. Hold on. Can you hold this?
*hands murderer a crumpled wad of CVS receipts*
I had it right here. Maybe in the zipper part? Goddamn, why is this sock here — okay, wait —
Murderer:
[plot twist] ur buried vertically
[reading directions]
These are probably garbage words, I’ll just do what I, a moron, think
Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”
Check out this apple pie I made. Worked out real well.
[boss’s office]
I’m tired of staff that think they know everything! Do you know what I mean, Murray?
“No, sir”
I like your style, Murray.
me: u know how we want clothes on our roof but can’t reach
wife: we have never discuss-
me: *loading t-shirt canon* stand back
WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget
ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree
Cop: we have you surrounded come out with your hands up
Stick Figure: lol
Cop: wait are you surrendering or laughing right now
I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
[Watching the Food Network]
Me: She made THAT with those 3 ingredients? That’s DISGUSTING!
Also me: *dips cornbread in pickle juice*
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife & I have sex. We hide the videos but he always finds them
I wonder if the person who came up with the phrase ‘jumping on the bandwagon’ got really annoyed when everyone else started using it.
Sophomore year I called my mom excited to tell her I had declared my majors. Me: “I’m gonna double major in drama & sociology” Her: “Drama & sociology?! Whatcha gonna do with THAT ACT LIKE YOU’RE HELPING PEOPLE” 🤷🏾♀️😂
My 4yo asked me for a ninja shaped pancake. I made her a circle because that’s all my pancake making skill level allows me to make. She was like, “umm… where’s the ninja??” So I told her that it’s so fast you can’t see it and she said “wow! Thanks mom!” Lmao
Decided to go to the public pool since my kids wouldn’t stop nagging me all summer about going and it wasn’t actually bad. I just wish I took the kids.
The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.