I once beat boxed for over 6 hours trying to impress a girl before finding out she was deaf.
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*draws a line in the sand*
*looks at the line in the sand*
*decides that it might be time to vacuum*
Donald Trump always looks like he’s just opened a really hot oven.
🎵 You make me feel like I’ve been locked out of heaven 🎵
Jesus: “We talked about this, Lucifer.”
People that don’t speed up when merging onto a highway, who hurt you? Because I’d like to try next
Her: So, what is your major?
Him: I study forensics.
Her: Dude, that’s just 10!
If your nose ain’t running and your eyes ain’t crying, it’s not a good curry!
i’m getting my wisdom teeth taken out on monday. i know most people get this procedure done when they’re like 16 but i think the move is waiting to do it when you’re 25 and depressed cause then you can appreciate the drugs a lot more
Rosetta Stone says they’ll have me speaking another language in a month. Babbel says one week. But this bourbon only takes, like, an hour.
When I was younger I was into athletics. I miss the guys from the 4x400m relay team. We ran in the same circles.
Another morning waking up not knowing where tf you are or how you got there.
I just want to live in a world where stupid people don’t knock on a locked bathroom door shouting, “anyone in there?!”
Please help. My husband just started running. He runs in jeans. With a belt. I don’t have anyone I can talk to about this. I am so alone.
Heyyyyyyyyyyyo lol 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣😏🥴🤦♂️🤷♂️
Whatever, Batman. You may call it the Batcave, but that doesn’t change the fact you still live in your parents’ basement.
The Amazon toy catalogue came to the house and my kids have already run up a 3 million dollar Christmas list tab.
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: wow ok gimme a second
GENIE: done
ME: wait
GENIE: sure if that’s your wish
ME: be quiet
GENIE:
ME: damn
“Morning, how was your weekend?”
My kitchen after I cut an everything bagel in half
5yo: I love tv
Me: if you love it so much, why don—
5yo: I’m going to marry the tv
Is my boss trying to pronounce “charcuterie” or are they genuinely having a stroke? More at 11
Today I made a lot of people at work upset by eating my burrito wrong so I figured… Why not spread the joy 🙃
when someone asks me my body count do they mean like ted bundy or stormy daniels.
Person at an event: oh hi, I know you from twitter
Me: …sorry remind me?
Person: *says his name, full job title, things we talked about*
Me: …er…?
Person: my profile picture is a banana?
Me: Banana!!! How are you?! So great to meet in real life!
“Good morning please could I have one human ticket to the water park”
Sir are you a shark in disguise?
*sharks fake eyebrows slide off*
Was at Taco Bell and heard a girl refer to her friend’s outfit as “ho-fessional” and now I have style goals I never knew existed
This is the weirdest thing I’ve ever typed, but I have had a treadmill for four years and TODAY OUT OF THE BLUE IT TALKED.
Did someone text back with just “K”? You know what you should do? Stop texting them dumb shit.
GOOD COP: I’m going to read you your rights
BAD COP: I’m going to beat a confession out of you
CENTRIST COP: you both make some good points
I always live in constant fear that a bicep avi is gonna steal my lady and treat her right
And is the financial stability in the room with us right now?