I once broke up with a girl because she asked me to call her phone to help her find it and my number came up as “dude #3”.
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My 4-year-old was crying when his favorite pair of pants no longer fit him and I was like, “Dude, I get it. I totally get it.”
Why do they call it alcoholics anonymous if you introduce yourself?
My daughter and her friend Poppy were playing hide and seek and Poppy wanted to hide in the chest freezer but I told her that’s where we keep the dead bodies and now poppy’s no longer allowed over to play which suits me fine because Poppy’s a humourless snitch
Her: I’m an only child
Me: There are literally billions of children
Texting random numbers “It’s done.”
Whoa I’m floating! Am I…dead?
“No it’s a dream”
What a relief! Wait. Who said that?
Grim Reaper: (mutters) shit
Uh nobody go back to sleep
*sees girl at bar*
Hey baby, wanna get outta here?
“Sure!”
Good, you’re really killing the vibe.
My neighbors kid has been outside banging on a bucket for over an hour while their dog barks at him ….. I would throw a rock but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.
The camera adds like 10-15 crooked teeth.
-Steve Buscemi
How dare you call me naive!
I’d sue you for slander if I hadn’t sent all my money to that Nigerian prince.
*watches man fall off of bridge on TV..
“Bartender, can you get me that drunk?”
If you have slept with someone who sounds like Darth Vader breathing, you understand why it’s so great to sleep alone.
Me: Who had two thumbs and just had a bandsaw accident? This guy
Doctor: Which Guy?
I think one of the most amazing displays of democracy in history is that one thousand islands managed to come together and agree on a single dressing.
ChatGPT cannot be stopped.
[PetSmart]
Why pay $30 for a bird when I can pay $10 & grow like 1000 of them?
*throws bag of bird seed in cart*
I’m such a smart shopper.
Both sides are the wrong side of the bed when you don’t wanna get up
Me: I read where psychologists are worried that after all this time in lockdown, people are going to have trouble adjusting to regular social interaction again. What do you think?
My couch:
My son just started telling me about a new Pokémon character. Talk to you guys on Monday.
Nothing says you’re failing as an Asian like your waiter discreetly handing you training chopsticks.
“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.
convinced HR to revise the language in my termination letter to read: despite multiple warnings he refused to stop misusing the defibrillator to “tingle his pants”
I don’t even like sleep, it’s just the only way I can eat spiders
A reverse tornado appears. It roars toward you, the angry funnel cloud planting a row of small red houses, one car landing in front of each. Then a park is scribbled into existence circled by a pleasant tree-lined pathway. As it passes over you, it places a nice hat on your head.
me: I had my first crush on a girl when I was in the first grade.
my 7yo: wow that was a long time ago do you think she’s still alive?
did you know the official veterinary term for your cat eating something it shouldn’t is “dietary indiscretion” which absolutely sounds like a cat politician trying to downplay its irresponsible past
Be the change you want to see in the world!
Me: *goes back to bed
People at HIIT class who warm up before the trainer starts the warm up how warm do you really need to be?
Did I age well? Well I bent down to look in a low cupboard earlier and made a noise like an asthmatic Chewbacca who’s just heard some bad news, so I’m going to say no.
[teaching teen to drive]
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment for a long time, sweetie.
Teen: Shouldn’t you be sitting in the passenger seat?
Me: No, this seat is better. *begins kicking her seat*