Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[emptying dishwasher]

HOW IN THE HELL DO I FIT ALL THESE COFFEE CUPS IN THE CABINET

Save money by accidentally forgetting your wallet at home. Follow me for more financial tips and tricks.

[at the mall]
“I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?”
“Sure, what’s his name?”
“Xander.”
“See, that’s why he ran off.”

When I was in 8th grade, I tried to get this guy to break up with me. So, when he would call me I would just sing N Sync songs to him.
I still had to break up with him.

the prophecies have been fulfilled

Tried eucalyptus oil in my bath and I don’t know about stress relief, but I think all the koalas will find me irresistible.

Me: Ugh, no more wine! My face looks puffy!

Me, 20 minutes later: *sips a glass of wine while wearing gel face mask*

and here i thought that donuts only cured sadness

‘Wouldn’t you like a butterscotch?’

‘Sure, just hold the butter.’

Son: Mom, I’m having a problem at school.
Me: Oh no, buddy, what’s wrong? Do you need me to show you the Karate Kid again?

Parenting is easy.

My wife and I play this adorable game where I pick a place to eat and she says no until it’s someone else’s idea.

“Go clean up your mansion!!!!!”

-My orthodontist, to his children, probably.

My husband got new earbuds. Think I’ll skip the middle man and put them straight in the washing machine.

The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.

happy halloween

I have a friend whose thighs don’t touch..I was jealous until a breeze came up..It sounded like a turbo fan in wind tunnel. Small favors.

SON: How are monster trucks made?

ME: Son, when a monster and a truck love each oth-

GF: [glares]

ME: He’s old enough for the facts, Jane

I have two things hanging up in my office:

1. Pictures of my family
2. Generic emails from HR about things I specifically know I did

Chef: I like it when the roast beef falls apart.

Roast beef: *starts talking about its ex-boyfriend*

She said she didn’t want me to touch her with a ten foot pole. I said ma’am I’m flattered but it’s not that long.

Your baby’s cute. Not baby elephant cute, but still cute.

Put this video in the Louvre

TV doctor: You need to eat colourful foods for their vitamins and antioxidant properties

Me, eating a bowl of Skittles: *high fives myself

that dude that shrunk and blew up his kids didn’t even get one house call from cps.

“How’s the diet going?”

I beep when I back up now.

[accidentally hits Siri in high school classroom]
Siri: what can I do for you, #1 God of Sex?
[every boy in the class checks their phone]

I always carry bananas in my purse in case I’m ever chased by bad guys…

…or a giant gorilla.

~Super Mario’s mom probably

I believe the children are our future.

But my 3-year-old finished his juice & then got mad because he thought someone else finished his juice, so that future might be in trouble.

Before electricity, they used to give murderers the acoustic chair.