I once broke up with a girl for doing a May the 4th be with you joke. I did it the next day though, and called it revenge of the fifth.
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I used to think Ol’ Yeller was a book about my stepdad.
My son got this balloon on Valentine’s Day. He accidentally let go & it floated to the ceiling. Days later it was still up there. I said, “be patient, it will come down” but he didn’t believe me. “If it comes down I get an iPad!” he said. I agreed. Then I glued it to the ceiling.
“I am inspiring” -Russian guy who’s about to get kicked out of his spy ring
girls w long ass hair love to cut three inches off and be like “i love my short hair omg it’s so short”
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
My husband surprised me by inviting his new boss and wife for dinner so I surprised them with an icebreaker of mocktails and Cards Against Humanity
Yes I delete tweets when they don’t live up to my expectations.
Just be glad I don’t have kids.
These boots were made for walking, and that’s just what they’ll do. One of these day–oh goddamn it. Did you glue these to the floor, Carl?!
“No, I didn’t forget your gift”
*digs in purse
“Got you this hairspr..I need that. Got you this keyring”
*removes keys
Me: One last time for old times’ sake?
Broken washer: No.
A wee field mouse has been showing up at my door every few days for the last 2 weeks. He’s very polite. I say please go the other way, buddy! And he always does. Anyway, today my neighbor saw me telling him goodbye as he scurried off, so now I have to move.
When you’re doing all you can just to get by in life.
Negotiating with a 3 year old:
Me: pick out two books to read.
3yo: no five books!
Me: fine three books.
3yo: no five books!
Me: no one book!
3yo: no TWO books!
Me: ugh you got me, two books it is.
My body’s check engine light has been on longer than Law and Order
Daughter asked who the princess of France was. When told there wasn’t one her eyes widened and she quietly asked if she could do it
22 year old me after a night of drinking: “I hope I didn’t do anything stupid.”
29 year old me: “I hope I didn’t agree to go on a hike.”
How did you spend your dinner break, Jamie? Just drawing a reverse centaur so everyone can see how horrible they are
Balloons are all fun and games til they start to deflate and float around at eye level being terrifying
You guys are going to lose it when the Identity Theft Mosquitos get here.
Capricorn: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
*in a desperate attempt to impress my daughter with magic, i pull a fully cooked turkey with all the trimmings from behind her ear*
{nervously} is this your card?
Floating in a sensory deprivation tank is a pretty good indication it’s not working out outside the womb
[girlfriend texting me] so what are you gonna do to me tonight 😉
[remembers how she likes it rough] shoot you out of a cannon
Of course I know what it feels like to sleep with a restless elephant, I slept with my toddler last night
I tell my kids winning isn’t everything and then I steal money from the monopoly bank.
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
Good Cop: You’re going away for a long time, buddy.
NFL Cop: Don’t listen to him. Two games, tops.
me: well I grew up without a dad and I turned out okay
cw: don’t u collect human teeth??
me: yeah but they’re not my teeth
As our eyes met across a crowded room, he turned to the man next to him and said, “that’s her…” and that’s how the cop delivered the restraining order