Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

girls post instagrams of their boyfriends like theyre toddlers. aww look, he tried a new food! so handsome in his big boy outfit at the wedding! we got sooooo tired on a trip, but he didnt cry once!

If I opened an Italian restaurant, I’d describe my lasagne as ‘Just like mama used to make’ because my mum couldn’t cook and neither can I.

If I’m ever feeling lost and alone, I know the second I shove way too much food in my mouth, people will miraculously pop out of nowhere.

That awkward moment when I give a guy a fake phone number and he tries to call it in front of me.. #OhShiiiit

I wanted to go out tonight, but the avocado I bought last week will finally be ripe enough to eat between 9pm – 9.15pm so I can’t.

Cool. Work is offering a webinar called Why Sleep Matters, and it takes place Friday at 5am.

The hardest part of life in the 1990s was having to scream “Hey, Macarena!” every forty seconds for the entire decade.

Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors

certified hallow’s eve classic

I’ve never dated a man for his mind, but I would if I ever met a man that had one.

just think, if you hadn’t had kids to tell you otherwise you might still be walking around thinking you were cool. lol how embarrassing would that be

American voters doing the deep research today before voting.

[on a 1st date]

Me: I’m just looking to take things slow

Her: *in a wedding dress* me too

Underage me: pretends to be sick so I can sneak out window to go to a party

Older me: pretends to be sick so I don’t have to go to a party

Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.

Watching the Flintstones and the Monkees as a kid gave me an unreasonable expectation that I would be spending a lot more nights in haunted mansions to inherit my kooky dead uncle‘s fortune.

Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.

Spice up your work day by drinking your coffee from a flask

i’m cautious about following people back these days because i follow when they look normal and next week they’re banging horses

That little rat from Ratatouille is under Pharrell’s hat pulling his hair to make him dance.

My favorite genre of meme is people unknowingly kidnapping coyotes

My ice maker broke and now I have to make ice, in trays.
I’ll be on Pinterest looking for a recipe.

The twins brought in significantly less candy than I purchased. Running Halloween at a deficit is simply not acceptable.

Friend: Aren’t those jeans a little young for you?
Me: I’m sorry I can’t quite hear you. Come closer. Don’t be scared.

Remember to horrify your friends and family by testing out your tweets on Facebook today

professor: there are no stupid questions

me: if i ate myself would i disappear or be twice as big

professor:

me:

professor: there is one stupid question

Pretending you’re dead to avoid conversation in the hospital is the worst way to learn how a defibrillator works.

*Meeting GF parents*

What are your intentions with our daughter?

Uh I need someone to sing the girl parts of Grease songs with me

[Inventing octopus]
God: 8 arms
Angel: okayyyy
G: with suckie things
A: and-
G: Mouth like a parrot, shoots ink
A: wtf
G: …I ate mushrooms