I once broke up with a guy because he ate half my french fries, and when I get really lonely, I still think about those french fries.
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PRIEST: Does anyone know why these two should not be married?
ME: *from back* SHE PRONOUNCES IT ‘SUPPOSABLY’
*priest slowly backs away*
I asked my 4 year old why he was heading into the garage and he casually replied, “don’t worry, dad, I’m just grabbing a hammer.” I know I should intervene, but part of me hopes he’s going to fix the loose baseboard in the hallway.
If a tree falls in the woods it should break into a light jog so it looks like it did it on purpose.
*swipes right on my hand mirror
Gonna show my mom this article when she tries to wake me up early every day this week
AND ANOTHER THING, is a person in a casket a hot dog, sandwich or ravioli?
My 10 y/o daughter informed me that “everyone knows” you can’t wear your picture day outfit again the rest of the year, like it’s some kind of 5th grade wedding dress.
Whatever, Usain Bolt. I’ve been finishing in under 10 seconds for years.
*Sees feelings chasing me down.
*Builds wall of McDonald’s fries.
*Crisis averted.
Birds of a feather flock together, as they are racists too.
Me: I’m surprised at how winded I am after this exercise.
Trainer: this was the tour of the gym…
My home security system growing up was my parents telling me not to open the door for anyone.
Halloween is great because you can buy yourself six bags of family size peanut butter M&Ms and nobody asks any questions.
Men’s 3-in-1 soap is for your hair, body, and car.
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the planet?
[Old west saloon owner]: make it so the floorboards don’t creak when regular patrons walk in but do creak when a mysterious stranger walks in
Carpenter: …what
[on phone]
Of course I trust you, babe. Always.
*searches Amazon for mini spycams with 1-day shipping*
Them: What’s your writing process like?
Me: Pretty intense. Very solitary. Organized. Inspired.
My writing process:
It’s almost 2020 and we still haven’t made a smoke detector that can tell the difference between an Indian cooking and an apartment on fire.
My prediction: the Euro Cup final will be won by whichever team first figures out that there’s nothing in the rules that says you can’t grab the ball with your hands and run into the goal with it
Good luck listening to 80’s music without imagining my silhouette doing karate poses.
Imagine of clown was just a way of life and not a job. You go to a restaurant and there’s a clown waiter. You get sick and there’s a clown surgeon.
If a woman wears a ponytail holder on her wrist at all times that means she’s always down to pull her hair back and fight you.
Board Member: Sir are you sure you wanna name your new burger restaurant after the time you caught your ex-wife cheating on you?
Five Guys CEO: you heard me
WIFE: Wanna split the last slice of pizza?
ME: Nah, you take it
KING SOLOMON (entering dramatically): You, sir, are the pizza’s real mother
[supermarket – empty shelves]
me: everyone is hordeing
her: I think you mean hoarding
me: *watching the Mongol army massing on the horizon* I know what I mean
*logs onto online banking*
Oh good, my emergency dollar is still there
I’m not superstitious because it brings bad luck.
fellas, if your girl:
•has got it going on
•she’s all you want
•you’ve waited for so longshe’s not your girl, she’s stacey’s mom
Oh you’re an oscillating fan? Name three of their settings