Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

FRIEND: [over the phone] Do you think the quarantine has changed you?

ME: [knitting a dress for the raccoons in my backyard] No

My Grandpa reached 110 yesterday.

That’s the last time I get in the car with him driving…

So this guy tells me he likes the way my name is spelled..
Me~
Thanks I gotta say
I had absolutely nothing to do with it.. LoL

dislike seeing adult twins in public. feels like they’re going to ask me a riddle

I love you, but you’re not stepping foot into my home with even a speck of glitter.

barista: do you just want the 2 cookies and one brownie

me: thank you for the word ‘just’

Billy Joel’s washing is still wet because he didn’t start the dryer.

The lady next to me on the plane smells like she ate a bowl of grandmas for breakfast.

McDonalds could burn to the ground and I bet the fries would still be cold

Revenge is never the answer, but sometimes drawing wrinkles on their voodoo doll just feels right

Relationship status:

Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.

Free pizza at work got me like “Fine, I’ll come back on Monday”.

I spend too much of my time asking our dog, “have you seen the kids?!”

When your pet is staring at you, it’s probably thinking “I wonder how long those things live.”

I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub

What do you mean hide under sturdy furniture during aftershocks, this is NYC, I have a tiny chair

The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.

Kidney stones? Hard pass

Me: How do we get to the bottom of the canyon?

Guide: *gesturing to donkey* Burro

Me: *starts digging* Come and help you stupid donkey

Child: Why are you on the computer if it’s your day off?
Me: What else am I going to do?
Child: I dunno. Old people stuff?
Me:
Child: Knit a sweater. Yell at cars. Forget why you walked into a room.
Me: Mom is going to come home to one less kid.

It’s not fair how many boring things my nephew gets out of going to simply by shitting his pants.

I can’t listen to music with my headphones at the office. Apparently everyone doesn’t enjoy the way I sing out loud

I always keep my phone on me in case there’s an emergency or I have to wait for anything for more than 2 seconds.

The first few seconds of a tiger attack are when it’s critical to make the “pspspspsppsp” noise

Somebody should market a beer called “Occasionally”.

So when asked, I can say, “I only drink occasionally”.

When someone asks me a question that I can tell is gonna turn a rude corner, I like to trap them with my Keep Going facial expression. Eyebrows lifted, face tilted, slight smile. And then I wait, ready with a pleasant Yikes.

I accidentally vacuumed up a live spider, so I did the right thing and returned the vacuum cleaner to Costco.

In Seattle, there’s a code that states when two people are walking towards each other, the one with the bigger coffee cup passes first.

i’m stubborn like an old person & stupid like a young person & have the good qualities of neither

Cutting the mail slot in my door bigger to fit a pizza box.