I once broke up with a guy because he ate my grilled cheese, and when I get really lonely, I still think about that grilled cheese
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I told my husband that our toddler won’t eat tomatoes and he asked why not, as if toddlers are normal human beings
Don’t look at this picture. You will have nothing but questions:
COWARDLY LION: Give me courage
SCARECROW: Give me a brain
ROB THOMAS: Gimme a heart, make it real or else forget about it
TIN MAN: Oh ok Rob
The fastest person on earth isn’t Usain Bolt.
It’s any parent with a toddler who just said they have to poop.
In elementary I got all the chicks because my box of crayons had a built-in sharpener. Been on a dry spell ever since. Just me & my crayons.
I cleaned out* the fridge last night** and I feel so much better about myself***.
*raided
**five minutes ago
***like a balloon about to pop
There’s an app for the people who say they’re not seeking some form of validation here. It’s called a diary.
“Who’s sorry now?”
~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam
God: you can climb trees, go on land and swim in water.
Snake: OMG, really?
God: pretty cool right!
Snake: you didn’t have to do all this!
God: it was nothing
Snake: so how fast can I run?
God:
Snake: I bet I can run really fast!
God:
Snake: so fast on my legs!
Your parents taught you to wash your hands after you pee. My parents taught me not to pee on my hands in the first place.
The next COVID variant will be named Optimus Prime, followed by Bumblebee and Rachet.
Me: I’m so excited! I just planted my first Azalea.
Iggy: Help! Let me out of here!
Me: Hush! Flowers don’t talk silly.
Guy: I’m an organist
Me: what you got against organs?
The only good part about moving is you find every single pair of scissors you have ever owned
*Prosecution lawyer paints white stripe on otter*
DEFENCE LAWYER: Objection, Your Honour. He’s clearly badgering the witness.
me: yo lemme get somma those THYIICC fries
kfc: you mean potato wedges?
me: yes potato wedges please
I haven’t been to Target since February. I wonder how it’s even staying in business without me.
I don’t cry when I cut onions because I have this little thing called composure.
A few hardest things to say:
“I Was Wrong” “I Need Help”
“Worcestershire Sauce”
It must be very traumatic for my wife to be at work knowing I’m home alone getting bread crumbs on the kitchen counter.
Let’s pray for her.
Twitter’s new verified account policy says that fictional characters aren’t eligible but all the Muppet accounts still have their blue checkmarks, confirming what I’ve suspected for years.
He died doing what he loved: almost crossing the street.
My girlfriend just called a group of sheep ‘sheeps’ and now I can never be sure that she is legally capable of consenting to sex.
me when someone doesn’t believe me and they google it and see I’m right
I put the tomatos and the ketchup right next to each other in my refrigerator just so all the food knows I have no mercy
muhammad ali: float like a butterfly
jellyfish: done
muhammad ali: sting like a bee
jellyfish: i am nailing this
Me: *takes her shirt off & sees a padded bra* whoa
Her: I’m so sorry, are you upset?
M: *pulls a salami out of my shorts* let’s call it even
I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest
On our way back from hotel pool, door card doesn’t work. Francophone BF heads to reception to get new card and returns.
Him: Wow, there was a huge line up at reception but when I told them I had a wet girlfriend waiting at the door they all let me in..