I once brought great shame to my children by telling the drive-thru attendant I’d take as many ketchup packets as he could give me.
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At least my masseuse has my back.
When a woman asks you to smell something, it usually smells good.
Men on the other hand…
“Yogurt!”
Gurt: “Yes?”
I left my accordion in the car and forgot to lock it. By the time I got back, it was too late. There were four accordions in there
My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.
God: Noah, I need an ark.
Noah: Why don’t you ask Joseph, the carpenter?
God: Uh [huge grin] cos I’m banging his wife? [raises hand] up top?
“Why am I so thirsty?”
*Flashback to me eating half a ham*
“Oh, right”
Kid packed for a 3 day trip to his grandparents with 1 t-shirt, 1 pair of underwear, and 7 pairs of socks. I have a few questions
My 5 yo after I explained the concept of breastfeeding: “can you squeeze Capri Suns outta those things or just milk?”
I just sent a text that says “we really need to talk” to everyone I know so nobody will bother me today.
ME: alas why must i suffer the cabbages of time
HER: you mean ‘ravages’?
ME: *eating expired coleslaw* you heard me
“can we play our computers on the plane?”
bro, you and your sister can give each other face tattoos for all I care, just leave me alone
My gym is opening up again, so now I have to go back to not going because I’m lazy.
Me: What are you doing?
4yo: I’m scalloping like a horse.
Haha I love my wife. I just told her to calm down and now she’s in the backyard digging a 6 feet long hole to calm herself down. What a woman!
NINE MONTHS LATER, A FIRE TRUCK WAS BORN
Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?
Me: when you’re a parent, you just no
My friends wanted to do an escape room, but I was worried it might eat up a lot of time, so, in order to encourage creativity, I ate a lot of beans, cabbage, and cheap beer for the two days beforehand.
We set a new record.
wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly
me: u didn’t even turn it on
The evolution of the NYT cooking newsletter
ten writing rules
1. find exactly the right place to sit
2. better get coffee also
3. turn off the internet we’re WRITING
4. but i have a question only the internet can answer
5. more coffee!
6. maybe i got an important email
7. how is the coffee shop closing
8. oh no
[at the mall]
“Excuse me? I lost my son. Can I please make an announcement?”
“Of course.”
[leans in to mic]
“Goodbye you little shit.”
About to go out and make some foreign dude’s night by butchering the pronunciation of the food I’ll be ordering.
Bob was hungry. He ripped open a new bag of tortillas only to discover a convenient, resealable opening on the other end
me: “spends hours with my favourite person”
me as soon as they leave:
“PS, I love you” — Me to my PlayStation.
Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes
I thought she was the one until I saw her make hot chocolate with water.
ME: Humans have 10,000 taste buds. Cats have 470
SON: So cats don’t have much taste
CAT [watching the emoji movie] haha this is hilarious
Can i borrow your truck?
Me: no problem just read the dashboard
