Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Exercise won’t cure your depression, but it will make you hotter than your ex. Which is sort of the same thing.

Leaving the beach yesterday I said to myself ‘don’t leave your phone on the roof of the car, woman’.

Long story short, someone found my phone on the side of the road and just returned it to me

[Sea fishing]
Me: This is fun.
[Deep sea fishing]
Me: Many men go fishing all their lives without knowing that it’s not fish they’re after.

Went to cancel a streaming service that was $10.99 a month and they were like “Lol ok you got us how about $2.99?”

Going to spend tomorrow cancelthreatening every service in my life.

My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger.

So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex’s car.

Her: Our youngest is 98 months.

Me: What’s that in human people years?

‘Do what you want!’ she cried lying back on the bed. ‘I love a man who takes control.’
‘OK’ he said and put her CDs into alphabetical order.

7am – So tired I could WEEP
9am – I’ve got so much to do but no energy
12pm – Can’t stop yawning
4pm – Is it bedtime yet?
6pm – HOW IS IT NOT BEDTIME YET?
9pm – Perkier
10pm WIDE AWAKE
12am – Hey! I’m not tired at all now!
1am – Think I might rearrange all the kitchen cupboards

Ok in hindsight “bite me” was a terrible safe word choice

Monday: Greg

Tuesday: Ian

Wednesday: Greg

Thursday: Ian

Friday: Greg

Gregorian Calendar.

President The Rock Obama

arnold schwarzenegger opening a flower shop saying things like “come with me if you want tulips” and “it’s not a petunia” and “your clovers. give them to me”

My Grandpa reached 110 yesterday.

That’s the last time I get in the car with him driving…

You ask for a Swedish massage and then get mad when I roll meatballs on your back

Judge: You were arrested for stealing a can of peaches. How many peaches were in the can?

Wife: Six, Your Honor.

Judge: In that case, you will go to jail for six days, one for each peach.

Husband: She also stole a can of peas!

‘Welcome home. I barfed over there.’

~cats

Just undertaken the get on the scales to weigh yourself and off even quicker post-holiday move.

For you sir I would recommend one of our deluxe funeral plans where I won’t dig you up and slap you around when I’m feeling mad at skeletons

Today my son got dressed in nice clothes and said it was picture day at his school (His school of course is our kitchen table). It was either a very sweet moment or the first sign that the kid is starting to crack. Either way, I charged him 45 dollars for a 15 picture package.

If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.

My apartment is a mess, I should move

[playing the game of life]

instructions: the player with the most money wins

me: *eyes wide* this game is so realistic

Coffee ain’t cutting it anymore. I need to eat batteries. 😭

Thank you cards only ever thank people for nice things they’ve actually done. This excludes people who don’t like doing things. We need cards that thank people for bad things they HAVEN’T done

I wish I was born in a year ending in zero so it’d be easier to remember how old I am. Thanks for following.

Don’t send me back to bed if you don’t want me sneaking out again.

~My 8 year old, trying out a new tactic

Me: What did you do at preschool?

3-year-old: We had to color inside the lines the WHOLE time.

Me:

3-year-old: I need to lie down.

Kid: Are you going to keep using weird Easter words today?
Me: Eggs-actly.
Kid: Stop!
Me: Egg-cellent idea.
Kid: Not another peep!
Me: Nice.

Where on my donor card do I indicate that my organs are not to be used to save anyone who pronounces it “eck-cetera?”