@ilovepie84

I once challenged Snoop Dogg to a rap battle and the loser had to change their name.

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@xLiserx

People who buy copious amounts of everything before a blizzard: Is there nothing in your house every other day of the year?

@JT_IV_

I like restaurants because the people have to be nice and feed you.

@ClichedOut

Interviewer: Nice, a 4.0. Straight A’s!
Me: No, blood alcohol content.

@U_Want_Shum_M8

ON THE INTERNET : Ughh.. I hate people so much..

APPLYING FOR JOB : I love working with people and I am very sociable

@moxieblogger

If you want to know how Irish my family is, my parents don’t have a liquor cabinet, they have a liquor closet

Right next to the beer fridge

@Donna_McCoy

My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.

@ArfMeasures

[Wedding meal]
*taps wine glass until everyone stops talking and I stand up to speak* I need more wine

@stewteee

My yoga teacher was sent to prison for fraud.

He did a 3 year stretch.

@TheBoydP

Not to brag but a girl at this party said I look like the Hulk, of course it was when I was turning green from drinking too much, but still…