People who buy copious amounts of everything before a blizzard: Is there nothing in your house every other day of the year?
I once challenged Snoop Dogg to a rap battle and the loser had to change their name.
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I like restaurants because the people have to be nice and feed you.
Interviewer: Nice, a 4.0. Straight A’s!
Me: No, blood alcohol content.
ON THE INTERNET : Ughh.. I hate people so much..
APPLYING FOR JOB : I love working with people and I am very sociable
If you want to know how Irish my family is, my parents don’t have a liquor cabinet, they have a liquor closet
Right next to the beer fridge
My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.
*taps wine glass until everyone stops talking and I stand up to speak* I need more wine
My yoga teacher was sent to prison for fraud.
He did a 3 year stretch.
Not to brag but a girl at this party said I look like the Hulk, of course it was when I was turning green from drinking too much, but still…