I once confused a tube of superglue with a tube of lube.
It was horrible.
My model plane kept slipping apart
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My tween would like you to know I ruined his life when I told him to stop being super sus and cringe and be more lit yo.
Today I made a lot of people at work upset by eating my burrito wrong so I figured… Why not spread the joy 🙃
Most people think Johnson was the brains behind Johnson & Johnson. But they’re wrong. It was Johnson.
Received a DM from a dude who claimed that he knows me in real life.
I can’t guess out who he is, probably I have to kill my friends until I get him.
I had sex with a girl who had the big holes in her ear lobes once
It was just once, because using them as reins isn’t cool, apparently
what if pizza rolls grew into full size pizzas when u put them in water like those dinosaur bath toys
If by “unload the dishwasher” you mean take out clean utensils as I need them, then yes I unloaded the dishwasher.
🤣🤣
Bad enough that literally no one showed up for my Super Bowl party today, but now I can’t even find the game on tv to watch.
I’m guessing by the bathroom scale being in the trash my wife has met her new years resolution and doesn’t need it anymore
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I remained calm; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
Noah’s Ark was so unrealistic. Have you ever tried to pen up velociraptors? Did the guy who wrote the Bible even watch Jurassic Park first?
The English language lacks a word to mean “To make a spouse feel uncomfortable by aggressively cleaning the house around them”.
When the audio cuts out at the end of a newscast and the anchors start chit-chatting I like to pretend it’s about my surprise party.
Kids these days will never know the exhilarating danger of going 60mph down a burning hot metal slide.
My body: please we are begging you to eat a vegetable or drink a single glass of water
me looking at the christmas cookie tray:
Mom: If all your friends jumped off a cliff would you do it too?
Me:If all parents used that same metaphor would you use it too?
#slapped
Amazon should have “I was drunk” as an order cancellation option
Nothing good happens on the credit card after midnight.
imagine if towels weren’t invented, you’d get out of the shower and just, like… wait
Want his attention?
Send nudes
Want to piss him off?
When he responds,
reply “Oops, wrong person”
What’s that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah…39
Somewhere out there, there must be a toddler who has eaten all of their dinner after only being asked once. I want to believe.
We’re starting this social distancing thing as a family of six but given how everyone is getting along on day one, we might end up a family of four.
If I don’t win Mega Millions tonight, I’m going to have to mend a lot of fences tomorrow.
Someone called me an “alarmist old lady,” when Boomer Doomer was right there.
at ease…shoulder.
If you think going for a drive isn’t cardio, you haven’t been in my passenger seat.
Me: I’m pretty sure I just died, but this place looks exactly like my office
Satan: yeah, welcome to hell
Me: well, I guess it could be worse
Satan: I also signed you up to be on the party planning committee
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOOO