Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

just had a really bad argument with some guy I invented in my head

I like to imagine that the guy who
invented the umbrella was going to call
it the brella.

But he hesitated.

Me: pick and choose your battle.

My son: I choose every battle.

If you’re burglarizing a home and the owner walks in, defuse the situation by saying, “I seriously love your place”

You hang Up.
“No you hang Up.”
No YOU hang Up.
“No YOU hang Up.”

– couple fighting while hanging Pixar movie posters

I don’t trust people who keep their jackets on after they’ve arrived.

That’s what I do when I’m going to escape.

Me: Ugh, I wish I still had a tablet. My phone screen is too small to read books on.

Also me: Guess I’ll read Twitter on my phone for six hours instead…

My daughters built this elaborate house setup for their dolls, so I went over and threw a bunch of trash in each room to make it more realistic.

[Phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u love?
W: omg YES!
ME: I’m petting a dog near there

Don’t worry there’s only 60 more days of January

I’ve never used the word culvert in a sentence. Well, until now.

13YO: gonna fire up the grill tonight fam? let’s goooo!

ME: *listening to the hail while lightning strikes the tree in the backyard*

13YO: wut?

[gf falls asleep during a movie]
ME: aw
[i get a blanket]
ME: *hitting her w/ the blanket* wake up ur missing the part with gollum’s riddles

I am truly grieving for everyone who thinks they are too cool to wear a fanny pack because you all deserve to live this unencumbered hands-free lifestyle

calling a guy “my ex”

-not true
-but makes it seem like he was my boyfriend

calling a guy “someone i only slept w 4 times over the course of three weeks but spent 6 months crying over”

-true
-but makes me look pathetic

Every reddit relationship post is like “My husband dropped a big piano on my head and when I emerged from the rubble my teeth had been replaced by the keys. Am I in the wrong?”

[Bath & Body Works]

Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
S: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here
S: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this one here it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen

I can tell when I’m not wanted. I’m not gonna leave or anything but I can tell.

olympic swim laps would get faster if they held swimming during winter olympics

The fastest person on earth isn’t Usain Bolt.

It’s any parent with a toddler who just said they have to poop.

Apparently you can’t make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don’t waste your time.

I used to think that ‘Gun point’ and ‘Knife point’ were real places. I’d see or hear media reports about things like; ‘man robbed at knife point’ and think ‘ooh, never want to go there, too much crime.’

A pizza bagel is two foods that were just fine on their own but got sat on in a lunch bag.

Behind every successful woman is a Man who let her down.

Usually takes me two or three tries to correctly aim the remote at the TV, if anyone was thinking of challenging me to a duel.

Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.

Get better soon! (I know you’re not sick, I just think you can do better)

Had to submit an essay, in order to graduate. It was a write of passage.

Prince: Rapunzel, let down your hair.

Rapunzel: Hair, you’ll never be beautiful, you’ll always have split ends.

*hair is super let down*

No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though