I once conjured a blizzard to get out of a “lunch date”.
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I almost wish the guy I’m stalking would find me and call the cops. These bushes are scratchy and my legs are cramping.
I can’t wait for my grandma to ask me repeatedly why I don’t have a boyfriend “because I’m such a pretty girl”.
I’m a psycho, grandma.
HOT SINGLES HAVE MIGRATED AWAY FROM YOUR AREA DUE TO CLIMATE CHANGE
This remains in the top 10 best memes of all time.
Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
away?
The next Mission Impossible movie is about Tom Cruise trying to reach a cup in the cabinet above his oven without a step stool.
Digging through a box in the closet, I found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was almost a year ago.
Dating in your 30s is just two people telling each other stories about how they used to be fun.
If a coworker asks to borrow your pen – sniff it and say, “I think this one is safe” and see if they’ll take it from your hand.
The U.S is #18 in mathematics worldwide. At least we’re in the top ten.
If any of my ex-girlfriends are reading this, I want you to know I’m eating chicken nuggets with THREE different dipping sauces, you blew it
if you come out with us you can’t lie about making your own soup
“those days are behind me”[girl at bar 45 mins later] oh cool, what kind?
Oh yeh? Explain this then
The way my parents talk about their new cat, you’d think they didn’t already have 3 kids and 4 grandkids.
My black cat just ate my four leaf clover. That can’t be good…….
Me: I just love dancing naked in summer rain!
Neighbour: that’s it, I’m turning the sprinkler off right now!
Close the door.
You’re letting the wifi out.
I am extremely flexible & can lift my legs up while balancing in strange positions
Ooh yeah fellas, I can flush a public toilet w/out hands
U-HAUL, may I help you?
“You have any moving boxes?”
No all our boxes stay still
“Well you better go- wait what?”
Stop calling here, Dad
it’s crazy you can’t just go to prison. if you want to get in there, you have to rob a gas station there’s no other way
Friends with my exes? I’m barely friends with my friends.
[grabs mic during TED Talk] They’re towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*
Always…
Stop blaming everyone for all of your problems. Pick the one person you really hate and blame them for everything
The best part about my sex life is all the free time it affords me.
Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.
My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.
Already got one
DUI checkpoint cop: sir, have u been drinking tonight
me: define sir
I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.