I once conjured a blizzard to get out of a “lunch date”.
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I make up for those people who jog in place at red lights by eating snacks while lying down in bed.
When someone is ignoring your messages..
just text them “I heard something about you”
and then ignore them too😜😜
The pasta is now
Is it smoky eye or were you wearing mascara and your eyes got itchy?
A fox: People aren’t so bad. I hear they named a news station after us.
[Watches 1 minute of Hannity]
We attack the humans at dawn.
my friends: omg how are you!
me: i wronged the gods in all my past lives and i once again have only bad news
Quarantine Day 26
Puts pictures of mom all around the house and runs with scissors laughing maniacally
This morning my neighbor put a note in my letterbox telling me off for honking my horn to say goodbye to my kids at 9am yesterday
This evening, I’m learning to play the drums
Went for a run and now I have to find a way to trade my body in for scrap
Nice try, theatre ad. But some of us don’t need to put our phones on silent, for we have prevented calls with our deplorable personalities.
i love that bands still pretend to leave before their encore. like peekaboo for adults
#WhenIWas12IThought very little 🙌
When Kevin Bacon participates in a bake off, he instantly becomes Kevin Bacoff.
My son asked me
“Where does poo come from?”
I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest explanation.
He looked a little perplexed, and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, “And Tigger?”
Tandem parachute instructor: Is this your first time?
Me: No I’ve been terrified loads of times
Tandem parachute instructor: I meant doing this
Me: Oh yes, first ever hug and I like it
teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door
“My dog took 20 minutes to find a spot to poop this morning” is, apparently, not a good response to “Why are you late?” and “Why do you only have makeup on one eye?”
If every human in the world jumps off a mountain we’ll probably eventually evolve to fly.
ME: Did you know an octopus has 3 hearts?
WIFE: Wow, that’s two more than most of your tweets get lmfao
After announcing our weight at birth, parents shouldn’t stop. If they announced it at every birthday, we’d all be a lot skinnier.
Twitter is like a very demented game of The Sims. Everyday I check to see how my people are doing and make sure they’re still alive.
If you want to go on a wild adventure then just let your kid make up the rules for a board game
Why are you wearing that outfit again?
Me: Because I paid for it and I have a washing machine
Hey, want to be best friends again?
-6, eyeing the birthday gifts that 4 just opened
victim: *running away, singing friends theme song*
murderous villain [drops knife while clapping]: damn it, not again
Doc: ‘So you’re not sleeping?’
Me: ‘Not really.’
Doc: ‘You drinking water?’
Me: ‘Few glasses a day’
Doc: ‘Alcohol?’
Me: ‘Plenty’
Doc: ‘Exercise?’
Me: ‘Not much’
Doc: ‘Coffee?’
Me: ‘Yes, please.’
[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box
Interviewer: “What is your biggest weakness?”
Me: “Answering job interview questions correctly.”
[fancy restaurant]
me: one steak and a bowl of ketchup please
waiter: usually you don’t need anything with it, sir
me: you’re right [closing menu] just the ketchup then