I once dated a dentist. He had a tiny round mirror on the ceiling over his bed.
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those who pour milk into the bowl then add the cereal are villains at heart. we all know the correct way is to pour the milk directly into the box of cereal
When nothing is going as planned, but you’re used to it.
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
Me: *paddles kayak in circles until someone comes out to help me*
Them: You need some help out here?
Me: Can you bring me a beer?
Your honor these allegations are
Whoever designed toddlers really knew what they were doing. I left my 2yo alone for a minute and he completely trashed the room and when I walked in he just looked up at me all wide eyed with his arms out and goes, “What I dooed?”
I wanted something old and soft to wax my car, so I used Grandma.
Another day of explaining to mom that New York is big and the footage she saw wasn’t shot on my street.
You text him, he doesn’t text you back. Obviously he was so excited that you texted that he fainted.
Meteorologist: It’s going to get even hotter.
Me [on fire]: HOW
“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers
Wife: could you just run to the-
Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT
I have no idea how the cavemen could afford to eat paleo.
Sorry I said, “Whoa, hope he’s good at math.” when you showed me your kid’s finger painting.
[Pulling brother’s life support plug]
*whispers in ear*
“This is for that time you cheated at Monopoly.”
Not saying I say dumb things when
I’m nervous but I once asked a date “so what’s new in history?” When she told me she taught it to kids.
Instead of getting any work done on my face, I’m just going to pull my hair back into a really tight ponytail.
Me: No!
Cake: You weren’t so shy the other night.
My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I’m camping, I won’t be covered.
Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they looked.
ME: No offense, but I kind of hate the dentist.
DENTIST: A lot of people feel that way. It’s uncomfortable, and can hurt a bit, and they’re embarrassed they didn’t floss. Did you floss?
ME: It’s because a dentist murdered my parents.
DENTIST: Probably cuz you didn’t floss.
Just tore seven ligaments trying to avoid being handed the phone by my wife.
I think it’s adorable when kids lose their teeth, they look like tiny meth addicts.
My parents decided to test their marriage by going to IKEA today
So few educational toys today! As a kid, my Tonka dump truck taught me not to pinch the shit out of my finger between two metal parts.
Stop breeding everything with poodles!!!
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
I didn’t think there’d be a sequel for “To Kill A Mockingbird.” I just assumed that they all lived Harper Lee ever after
therapist: what are you afraid of?
me: nothing
therapist: yes, the void. it will swallow us all
where the womens at?
