I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.
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“Your panties are so cute!! Let’s show everyone in the parking lot!!”
– The wind, apparently.
invited to a party: will there be food?
to a wedding: will there be food?
to the gym: will there be food?
to an orgy: will there be food?
to an intervention: will there be food?
to be a human trial subject for experimental brain surgery: will there be food?
Me: oh the usual- just shedding some skin cells and still fascinated with champagne bubbles and tree bark.
Friend: why can’t you ever just say “fine thanks”?
Stop putting cauliflower where there once was something delicious.
My toddler held my hand all the way to the bathroom, gave me a kiss when I sat down, then stole my toilet paper roll and ran out of the bathroom laughing in case you were wondering what it’s like to be a parent.
Went Trick-or-Treating last night and all I got was yelled at.
cant wait for y’all to be released from the shackles of birthday dinners
My Boss: Are you with me so far?
Me *nodding* : Yes.
*Narrator: He had not, in fact, been with his Boss for some time.
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
ugh i did a load of laundry earlier & now i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
Feels like we probably could have put that groundhog’s psychic abilities to better use.
Rabbits who hang out in indie pet stores are hopsters.
I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.
Me: I just need you to tell me when my clothes are dry.
Dryer: Please, no talking until intermission.
Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.
A cat is the animal equivalent of the girl who hated you for no reason in high school.
[THE INVENTOR OF GUM]
What if you could just pretend to eat?
[Haunted House]
Ghost:You’ve been here a week
Me: I like you
G:You knew what this was
M: I thought I was your boo
G: I say that to everyone
Show everyone in the room you are thirsty by making a ‘muuaah’ sound every time someone kisses on the television!
[leaving Whole Foods]
wife: Can you believe we only spent $100?
*bag rips*
*apple falls out*
me:
wife:
me: Well that was a waste of $100
(6yo son sweetly tracing my face with his fingers at bedtime)
6: Just be still, Momma. I’m pretending to shave off your eyebrows.
I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective
“What’s your name?”
“I am Daenerys Targaryen, Mother of Dragons, Khaleesi to Drogo’s riders-”
*Starbucks barista quits on the spot*
You can’t tell me to make mental health a priority and also keep putting calorie counts on restaurant menus.
friend saw this guy on the apps lol
life hack: DO NOT TRY TO CUT CHERRY TOMATOES IN HALF WITH YOUR FOOD SCISSORS
[Dark alley at midnight]
*Knife-wielding punk approaches
Me: “Don’t make me do something I might regret…”
*Punk sneers & raises knife
*I phone up and propose to my married high-school girlfriend
If you all vote for Kanye, I’m packing up Canada and moving it to Australia.