I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.
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If you see me jogging, please kill whatever the hell is chasing me.
I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.
“Mounting debt” sounds way sexier than it is.
Most people: I guess balloons are ok
Me:
Keep your friends zoned and your enemies zoneder
Good cop: u want a drink?
Good cop 2: I love your shirt
Good cop 3: ur so ripped dude
Good cop 4: the bad cops are striking today, handsome
Should we be concerned about where Home Depot keeps getting these 12 foot skeletons?
My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator where I couldn’t reach them. And leave chemicals under the sink.
you’re an adult – don’t let anyone ruin your life and peace. You can do that shit on your own.
[At the restaurant]
One cannibal to another: *browsing the uninspiring menu* I just think they should’ve been clearer in their advertising when they said that they had an award-winning head chef here.
Date: So what’s your backstory?
Me: Arthritis.
Me: I just want to taste your chapstick 😏
Her: oh.. 😉 *leans in for a kiss*
Me: *eating her chapstick* oh.
Her: oh.
I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips
I have to wonder why we have “non-essential” government employees in the first place.
[Brings a snowball to a work meeting and tosses it at boss] I’m not trying to disprove the theory of global warming I just don’t like you.
When life gives you lemons maybe think to yourself, “that’s really quite remarkable given how far I live from a climate capable of growing citrus.”
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
Potatoes make french fries, chips, and vodka. It’s like the other vegetables aren’t even trying.
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
i don’t think he’s the guy. the shooter used a silencer and an italian would never attempt to be quiet in public
“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway
“Not that one” I whisper moments too late
[inventor of cursive] what if the letters held hands
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
[interrupts gf talking about her dream wedding]
lol a horse drawn carriage?
“what’s funny about that?”
a horse can’t hold a pencil karen
I’m gonna take this shit to another level!
*pushes elevator button*
Hate the weather? Wait 5 minutes. It’s Ohio.
Where you can experience every season within 24 hours.
[During Sex]
“Hurry up, this isn’t really my house.”
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
Fruit ninja: [about to strike]
Surprise car chase: [destroys fruit stand]
Fruit ninja: omg seriously