Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The emailer who threatened LA schools claims to be “a Muslim extremist.”

That’s like a student signing his report card “Timmy’s Dad.”

my daughter just died of embarrassment when i accidentally appeared for two-tenths of a second in the background of her class zoom meeting. please respect my family’s privacy during this difficult time.

Them: You should try keto
Me:

I asked what she wanted for her birthday and she said she’d like anything I picked out for her and I’ve never been more afraid.

Forget teleportation or invisibility. If I could have any superpower it would be the ability to attain the perfect salsa to chip ratio every time.

I found love at ninja school.
Yeah it just crept up on me and totally took me by surprise.

Him: *running* That’s not what they mean when they say, “Chicks dig scars!”

Me: *shovel in hand* It’s what this chick means.

I honestly don’t know what my family would do without me.

I’m the only one that knows how to find the correct version of my toddler’s favorite song on YouTube.

If you’d like to be left alone just carry a doll everywhere you go.

Me when someone tries to get to know me

Imagine my voice. Wrong. More velociraptor.

british twitter be like “oi, you bought a blue tick for 11 pounds innit m8 🤣”

Me: I have a problem.

Her: We’re married. Whatever it is, it’s our problem now.

Me: Ok. We had an affair with the neighbour’s daughter.

Him: You’ve got a birthday coming up soon. I guess that means I should get you something.
Me: You don’t have to.
Him: Yes I do.
Me: No you don’t. I mean you could, but you don’t hav…
Him: ThErE iT iS!!!

I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I’ve been using them for all this time.

How funny!

How do animals in children’s books always have nicer houses than mine when they don’t have jobs & all they do all day is learn life lessons?

Them: There are no stupid questions

Me: Is Dakota Johnson supposed to be North or South?

Them: There is one stupid question

I got a job as a bullet

They fired me immediately

You know what they say. You can lead a camel to water but you can’t keep your leggings out of its toe

*adds pineapple to your lasagna*

[class trip]

I’m farmer Joe, this is my farm

DO U HAVE COWS?

Yes, it’s a dairy farm

DO U HAVE WHALES?

Kid, why wouldn’t we have whales?

My favorite part of going on vacation is cleaning the entire house first so that my best friend that’s watching my cats doesn’t see how much of a slob she already knows I am.

Shit gets real with the whole “I-hid-something-from-my-kid-and-now-I-can’t-find-it-either” game when the thing you hid is your iPad.

Googles: what to do with 100 dyed hard boiled eggs

Google: do you have any enemies?

ex: no one will ever love you like I do.
me: promise?

I get it, McFlurry machine. I don’t work when I’m at work either.

I told my 5 year old my birthday was coming up and he asked if we were going to have pizza and a bounce house and now I’m wondering why the hell I’m not.

I was bit by a radio active spider so now I wear a rubber suit, swing around like a monkey and use karate, you know, like a spider.

I finally found the horrific smell in my house. It turns out I have toddlers.