I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.
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Inventing croutons:
What if rocks were bread
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
boss: i’m always so impressed by you.
me: awww, wow thanks. why?
boss: bc you show up & do your work.
me: well, that’s a low bar.. but thank you.
If I ever tell you to “Be the ball,” I’m not coaching you…I’m preparing you for my nine iron.
my kid said her friend was ‘absinthe’ from class today and I’m wondering if should inform their parents
Me: It isn’t Max on the original Mad Max movie poster. It’s his friend Goose
Priest: Would anyone else like to say a few words? Perhaps about the deceased this time?
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
those electric paddles they use to restart your heart but instead they perfectly grill your sandwich in 3 seconds flat
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Me: *lies down to sleep*
Brain: Remember that really embarrassing thing you did in 3rd grade.
I just made coffee without coffee in it… I made water.
How’s your day going?
Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.
You have an IOS update.
Remind me later?
Install tonight?
Why not now?
Do you have commitment issues?
This might be why you’re alone.
your poor choice of wiper speed is stressing me out
[stabbing you with a knife]
I’m just being sarcastic, lighten up.
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
@thefunnytweeter With the way my diet is going, I think I’ll be much more slimmer after this quarantine.
My January credit card bill, aka the Ghost of Christmas Past.
this is my favourite piece of literary criticism of all time
FBI PROFILER, LOOKING AT PHOTOS OF MY HOUSE: White male, mid-30s, doesn’t have a lot of friends or close associations, probably read a lot about serial killers as a kid, eats a lot of bullshit food, no real skills
ME: I’m right here
FBI PROFILER: Talks like an idiot
Got charged with impersonating a police officer, which would’ve been a lot less embarrassing had I not been a serving police officer at the time.
Rest in peace, 974,832nd chapstick i put through the laundry
Headed to a wedding but my wife said I’m not allowed to refer to the bride as ‘the veiled threat.’
“I Got a new dress for date night!”
Hub: Thats sexy! I like the zipper going down the front *winks*
“This is the garment bag you idiot”
I threw a ball for my dog.
May be a little extravagant, but he looks great in a tux.
[ Blind date ]
Me: I guess you could say gynecology is more of a hobby of mine than anything.
Her: ummmm
Me: whatcha thinking?
Her: of the ways I’m going to murder my former friend for setting us up on this date.
hands across america, but it’s just my kid touching every damn surface he sees
Vixxxen is just a reindeer with a side hustle.
Forget about whether or not you have curves, real women have brains.
I keep two glasses on my bedside table at night: a glass of water and an empty one, because sometimes, when I wake up, I’m not thirsty.