I once dated a girl so my pet rock wouldn’t be embarrassed after he threw himself at her window.
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I’m hearing terrible scratching noises coming from inside my walls and it better be demons because I can’t afford it to be squirrels right now
“Ok, we’re naming our band after the next thing that happens”
*Adam busts in* Guys, you won’t BELIEVE how many crows are outside rn
Walking around the house in my undies again…
Not sure whose house it is, but I’m sure they won’t mind
Me: When one door closes, another one opens.
Him: That explains the flies.
request for a new client, your honor, i think this one’s guilty
ew! gross! people in other countries eat animals that we keep as pets! surely my western worldview is the universal standard of morality and im not being racist at all
Walmart never delivered my grocery order but they gave me a $10 credit so I will give each of my thanksgiving guests a dollar in lieu of a meal. All is well.
That’s easy for you to say
If your kids aren’t drinking enough water, tell them it’s bedtime.
Men should feel comfortable with weeping openly.
Especially in front of a vending machine where the Reece’s slot is empty
Cow it started Cow it’s going
DATING TIP: OFFER THEM WATER. PUT 2 STRAWS IN.
ROMANTIC WATER.
waiting for halloween be like:
Me: Thanks for taking the time
Interviewer at Facebook: Sure, let me start by telling you something about yourself
Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that’ll make you sweat.
Me: *applies for a loan*
[in the ambulance]
Paramedic: what’s your blood type?
Me: whatever. I’m not fussy
[first day as a pharmacist]
ME: Where are all the animals?
So lemme get this straight. Han Solo can understand Chewbacca just fine but at age 900, basic English grammar still goes over Yoda’s head.
Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?
Me: I’m here for the free scoop of ice cream for my birthday.
Employee: Nice try. What does that make, 3 birthdays so far this year?
Me: *twirling fake mustache* Whatever do you mean?
ASSISTANT: so what dimensions do the doors, hinges, walls, and locks need to be so that it all fits?
GUY WHO INVENTED PUBLIC BATHROOM STALLS: can’t stress how unimportant that part is
“I sold my hair to buy you a watch chain!”
“we said we werent doing gifts what the hell why did you sell your hair i didnt get you anything”
About 20 minutes before my husband gets home from work I spray Febreze, then he assumes I cleaned something.
Based on my hair this morning . I think I might be a muppet .
Email from my mom: What’s my email address?
[stepping out of time machine] shit I forget why I came to this year
Me: You know what would improve this dreadful place? An open bar
Other people in the waiting room:
2 atoms of helium acting funny ~ HeHe
I just accidentally swallowed a whole bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.