Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Obituaries always read, “passed away peacefully surrounded by family”, I want mine to read, “died in a blazing glory of incompetence”

Yesterday we got a puppy and my kids are so smitten that they’ve cut down their screen time enormously by 5%

Grass: [grows]

Me: well now, what do you think you’re doing bud? [lawnmower noises]

[shopping]

My Son: This chair will hold up to 300 pounds!

Me: Why did you look at me when you said that?

Me: Hi, mom. I’m feeling tremendous guilt.
Mom: Why?
Me: Just thought I’d save you the effort.

“You’ll hear from my lawyer”
-boring
-overplayed
-probably a tax attorney

“Trish is going to be f*****g livid”
-intimidating
-who is trish
-what have we done

Every Law & Order episode should end with:

“Objection your honor, the prosecution’s face is way too symmetrical!”

🥴😂

*meeting
Boss: Are you sleeping?!
Me: Well I *was*.

My 8 year old daughter hasn’t stopped talking in 32 years

[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that

To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.

Me: *winks*

Him: *googles signs of a stroke*

[cloud watching]

GIRLFRIEND: That one looks like a ring.

ME: I think it looks like two people taking it slow despite the pregnancy.

“My computer just crashed” is going to be a much more serious statement when self-driving cars are the norm

[if I acted in real life the way guys do online]

*running up to interrupt 2 guys I don’t know, super out of breath* hey, just wanna let you know that joke you made earlier sucked big time

My 6yo drew a picture of my mom, and I don’t think she’s ever going to babysit ever again😭

HER: I think we should see other people.

ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.

me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER

2019: Tumblr blinks offline, satisfied, having completed its mission of collecting all existing TV and film footage as GIF files.

Writer: My biggest fear is a blank piece of paper
The Rock: I hear ya buddy

“NO NO NO NO” – the guy who invented folding chairs watching a wrestling match

Having a child doesn’t make you a father. Sneezing as loud as you can after cutting the grass does.

I question the people that blow their nose in a tissue and then look to see what comes out.

Were they really expecting gold or something?

About 6 years ago, a new lad at work would have been sacked if I hadn’t spotted what he was doing wrong and stepped in. Now, he’s my manager & records my weekly performance. Without fail I’m 100-110%. It’s really nearer 30% with the rest of the week spent playing FIFA. Cheers bud

*shows up to the funeral in the same outfit as the deceased*

Good: The sweet sound of my child’s laugh

Bad: at 4 AM.

As I move away from the hometown that’s nurtured and protected me ever since I was 9 years old, I fondly wave goodbye to the place that saw me grow from a 50 pound weakling in to a 250 pound weakling.

“Read ’em and weep” I say as I lay down my hand: a collection of my grandparent’s handwritten love letters from WWII.

[first date]
“so what do you do?”
*thinking about the jar of coins I plan to use for new shrubs* I’m a hedge fund manager