Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve seen your area rug, and you sir are not single.

Customer: where might I find chicken livers?

Me: on the inside

Some people say they don’t know what to do with their hands in pictures.

I still haven’t figured out what to do with my face.

This is the only cartoon analysis critic I will watch

I needed this today. He takes a break. Lol

I told my wife I wanted a ferret, and the very idea made her so mad that for a second I thought I had mistakenly brought home a ferret.

I like to think I’m in charge but then one sad look from my child finds me gently disposing of a dead yard mouse in a nice bag on a carefully arranged bed of leaves

Doctor: I have bad news

Me: oh no

Doctor: I just lost a ton gambling

Me: whew, I thought I was dying-

Doctor: I bet you weren’t dying

Going forward I’m only saying I love you to cheeseburgers.

Sigmund Freud: I fell over

Me: A Freudian slip?

Sigmund Freud: Not funny – I stepped on glass

Me: Is it a bit of a pane?

Sigmund Freud: You’re enjoying my misfortune

Me: Yes, it’s shard-in-Freud

I am delighted to announce that endless online arguing is saving humanity

No Karen; a stable relationship is not
when you move in with the horses.

doctor: i have the results of your cholesterol test

me: did i pass? haha

doctor: no but you will very soon

I set up my Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, Mary, Joseph and all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.

USERS: you’re alienating the people who actually use your product
TWITTER: likes are now florps
USERS: what
TWITTER: timeline goes sideways

{confused hamster}

*looks around cage*
“Ummmm where’d my wheel go??”

[Jesus’ voice booms from the heavens]
I WAS TOLD TO TAKE IT

Don’t check on your introverted friends this time of year. They’re probably turning their lights off and pretending they’re not home

I’m doing Bikram yoga today.

By that I mean I’m in the back seat of a hot car trying to contort myself enough to reach the ignition.

are u even at the cheesecake factory if there isn’t a group of unsupervised 15 year old girls there dressed like they’re going to the met gala

[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles

Me: Can you hear me?

4: No.

Me: I need for you to pick up your legos, please.

4: But I can’t hear you.

Me: You can, you’re answering me.

4: (crying) No, I can’t!

Gaslighting is starting at a young age over here.

Passengers always complaint about airport prices, but where else can you get a burger for only £5?

Pfizer: Our new Covid vaccine needs to be stored at minus seventy degrees which will create logistics issues.

My wife: Would you like to use our bedroom?

What do you do when you’re soul searching and can’t find one?

groan^2

Started to watch Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny and I saw the warning that it contains tobacco depictions so I threw my TV in the street. Not in this household.

Nicholas Cage is the same character in every movie he makes, except Face off where he was John Travolta.

You never really know how many inches you’re gonna get or how long it’ll last.

Snow, maybe.

My dads mate was on a train and the guy opposite him was taking up all the room, being obnoxiously noisy, spreading his paper across the entire table, so after trying to speak to him twice, my dads mate SET FIRE TO THE NEWSPAPER.

Men: “once you get married you never get any sex”.

[wife walks around the house completely naked]

Every man: *continues to be completely hypnotized by whatever sports game is on*