Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You say “aargh” and my reply is definitely “Aargh indeed.”

I cringe every time I think about that time I was enquiring about a stargazing event at an observatory and I accidentally asked if it was an all day event.

My childless friend told me how easy parenting is so I went over at 0500 with fingerpaints and my toddler. We’ve been listening to Baby Bum nonstop, there’s food on the walls and every time she goes to the bathroom, we bust in to tell her all the words that rhyme with “poop”

I bet someone said “Do what makes you happy” to Hitler too.

I lost my voice.

If whoever finds it could resume screaming at my ex-husband, that would be much appreciated.

My gf is so sweet… We just had that silly “hall pass” convo, ig she didn’t wanna make me jealous with a hunky celeb so she said some random nobody from her job ☺️ and she wasn’t remotely intimidated when my answer was Anna freaking Kendrick 😅

In an alternate universe there is only one movie about falling in love, but thousands about swapping faces with John Travolta.

when i say “i hate drama” i mean i hate being involved in drama. other ppl drama? big fan

I told the baby to stop throwing her cup and she immediately grabbed it, took a long drink, threw it across the room and then looked me dead in the eye and said, “Uh oh.”

I’ve always wanted to buy 2 coffees, take them to a crime scene & while handing 1 to the officer in charge ask, “So, what do we have here?”

Its raining, its pouring,
Working here is boring.
It hurts my head, wish I was dead,
I’m just gonna lay on the flooring.

Okay so I need to find and purchase this book

I inject heroin into my arm that’s scarred from times prior, my eyes roll back into my head as my manager pounds on my door telling me I’m on in five minutes. Let’s rock I say as I grab my bass guitar, take a pull of whisky, and get into my chuckee cheese mouse band costume

I mean…but I did

JOHN LENNON: Love is all you need
ME: This guy knows what it’s all about
JOHN LENNON: I am the egg man coo coo ca chu
ME: OK scratch that

🤣😂🤣😂

Doctor: Take this medicine. It will help with your condition.

Me: Oh, I don’t know. I don’t like the idea of taking medicine daily.

Doctor: It is also helps with weight loss.

Me: So, how many can I take in a day and still live?

My son eating a radish for the first time, “It tastes like angry celery. Just why.”

Even with an open schedule and no events, I still don’t “have enough time” to stay hydrated, apparently.

If I wear a wizard hat and robe to my cousin’s wedding this weekend, I bet no one asks me if I’m next.

I cheat on my taxes by sleeping with other people’s taxes.

(Standing naked in front of the mirrors, trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner)

Home Depot Manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”

I eat children for a living

You what?

I said I feed children

Oh haha thought you sa-

TO MY MOUTH

(on a first date knowing women like it when you ask questions about them) what the hells wrong with you

“Knock knock”
“Whose there?”
“The spelling police”
“Oh know!”

*Sees feelings chasing me down.
*Builds wall of McDonald’s fries.
*Crisis averted.

REALTOR: It’s a great neighborhood. Wonderful schools-
ME: And the Pokemon?
REALTOR: …. sigh. Mostly Pidgeys
ME: I think I’ve seen enough.

Hey guys, if you cross the seven seas by yourself you’ve committed the seven deadly swims thanks for your time

Your honor, I was only doing a facepalm and his face got in the way of my face.

The new Ring movie looks terrifying