I once dated a guy only because he had a cool hidden safe behind a painting in the hallway he kept the spare toilet paper rolls in there
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my dad has had enough
[2019 USA]
“Where are you from?”-Trumpsylvania, how about you?
“North Trumpkota”
[Starbucks]
“Yes, I’d like a venti skinny soy half-sweet one-pump caramel macchiato half-caff extra whip, please.”
Barista: Is Pepsi ok?
Man: “I think I saw a UFO last night”
UFO with fake moustache: “Nah, it was probably one of them optical gases or something”
THERAPIST: Well, if you know what’s good for you…
ME: [Holds up hand] “Let me stop you right there”
banned from gardening forum for saying “it was me” every time someone posted and said “help, something is eating my tomatoes”
Since I’m not a doctor, my Indian mom is rage thanking the medical professionals
11: how large is Scotland Yard?
Me: a yard is 3 feet. So…
11: never mind, I will ask google.
Having ordered a cake from Layer’s I requested they send change for 2000/- (conversation was in Urdu). This is what was delivered!
These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.
Me: Excuse me Father, what’s the Wifi password?
Priest: We’re in Church!
Me: Oh I’m sorry. What’s the Wifi password, Amen.
Today, I want to talk about petting a cat with wet hands and why that’s no good for your hands or the cat.
Asian women look 16 forever and one day out of nowhere look 159 years old.
Get off my lawn, Pokemon Go edition
PREACHER: any prayer requests?
3 DUCKS IN A TRENCHCOAT (from the last pew): do the one about our daily bread
It’s like my pet hippo doesn’t even realise it’s my pet.
DOCTOR: Please be quiet while I stitch up your face.
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because of my hobby?
wife: yes
me: but on friday february 8th 2018 at 8:17 pm I asked “Is it ok if I became a stenographer” to which you replied “thats fine” to which I replied “great” to which you replied “wait are you typing this right now?”
Her: Your hair looks nice today
Me: Thanks. I slept differently.
ME: [pointing at grave] What about that one?
GRAVE-DIGGER: Yep, love it
Maybe if Red Bull gave me buffalo wings i’d give a shit.
Just spoke to my wife whiIe twitter was down. She seems nice. She’s a nurse apparently
cheers erupt as woman cuts into perfectly ripe avocado
stealing a sock from the laundry: easy. childish. been done many times before
stealing a sock directly from the human’s foot: brave. daring. immediately in the history books
I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you.
They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.
“I made a meal out of Rosemary tonight. Smell my fingers”
*Dating a girl named after a spice is awkward
GF taking me on a surprise V-Day getaway. At least I think. Not sure what the lime and shovel in the trunk with me are for though.
Yes, this is exactly right
That moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, hit a lamp, and kill your dog.
Wife: you need to get rid of these jeans.
Me: but I’ve had them forever.
Wife: exactly!
Me: I love them and by keeping them I’m reducing my carbon footprint. Fast fashion etc.
Wife: there’s a giant crotch hole in them. I can see your balls.
Me: you’re welcome?
Wife: no.
[panting, 5 minutes into sex] It’s okay, just go on without me