Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

when your food arrives but you have to wait for everyone else at the table

Oh! He barehanded that ball. Can you believe the athleticism?
– Baseball commentator

Pfft. Amateur.
– Every parent who’s caught their kid’s barf in their hand

okay but exactly how dangerous are these ducks?

i was doing yard work today when i stopped to tell a pile of leaves how cold fusion works. needless to say they were blown away.

They don’t hire anyone at IKEA. People get lost there for a few years and eventually know where everything is. It’s Restockholm syndrome.

Humming & dancing while I plop my meds into my weekly pill counter like the happy little nutcase I am

Why aren’t these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge? Don’t they want to get better?

The Last of Us is my favorite video game about the survivors of 2020

If we start dating now, we could be feeding each other deviled eggs on Thanksgiving, and breaking up before we have to exchange gifts for Christmas.

I was in a debate and someone defended their position by saying, “Opinions can’t be wrong”

I said, “In my opinion, opinions CAN be wrong. Thus proving the existence of at least one wrong opinion.”

So we agree when the zombies come we feed em the teenagers first, right?

JERRY SEINFELD: so what’s the *deal* with airplane food

ME (whispering to my date): it’s actually called “jetfuel”

When a pig loses his leg, wouldn’t it be a hamputation?

Men and women can be ‘just friends’ if one of them is a ghost.

My daughter said to a school bully “my dad will give you a fist sandwich with all the trimmings!

Now I’ve gotta defend her honour and beat the shit out of a 8 year old!

Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.

Tennis players like to do that shout/grunt thing every time they hit the ball and it seems like a fun way to do your job so I’m gonna start doing it every time I send an email

*blows perfect Jesus fish with cigarette smoke*

“Eat cheese and sin.”

This is… the best street art sticker I’ve ever seen?!

Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for

Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law

Kids are great bc it’ll be freezing and they’ll complain about being cold and you have to remind them that they can wear pants

Me: *trying to hock a loogie*

Pawn shop owner: I’m not giving you any money for that.

If your name is Otis you are either an adorable dog or the town drunk there is no in between

In the 2020 Little Mermaid, Ariel decides to stay underwater.

Mom there’s a boogie man in my closet!

*mom looks and I’m standing there with an afro in a satin shirt and platform shoes

My garden backs on to railways. About 10 years ago the fences were falling down, complained to network rail who did nothing. In the end, the whole bit of our street got together and put up new fence ourselves. 30 feet back into their land. They’ve never noticed.

there’s no way the scooby doo gang never found a dead body

Anakin: Want to go out?

Padmé: Ew. You’re 9.

Anakin:

Padmé: Talk to me in a decade when the age gap between us is exactly the same.

Before encouraging everyone to “do whatever makes you happy,” ask if anyone is a sadist. Don’t encourage the sadists.

“you recording!?”