Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ll never tell you, “I told you so.” But I will tell everybody you know that I did.

Doc: ‘So you’re not sleeping?’
Me: ‘Not really.’
Doc: ‘You drinking water?’
Me: ‘Few glasses a day’
Doc: ‘Alcohol?’
Me: ‘Plenty’
Doc: ‘Exercise?’
Me: ‘Not much’
Doc: ‘Coffee?’
Me: ‘Yes, please.’

[ants at a Def Leppard concert]
*Pour Some Sugar on Me starts*
Ant 1: Oh hell yeah I love this one
Ant 2: Sugar is good for us and the queen

Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?

Runners who don’t win the race suffer defeet.

When I was a kid, I had this game called ‘Worm Church,’ where I’d bring Worms to my room and read them the Bible.

Don’t ask me for advice…I advocate breakups and crime.

Karate and loose meat sandwiches.

Welcome to Sloppy Dojo’s. I’ll be your sensei for this evening.

All salads come with our own roundhouse dressing

5-year-old: *pretending to be a T-rex* I’m going to eat you.

7-year-old: You can’t. It’s Lent.

processed food was literally designed for you to eat. organic is just some crap they found on the ground somewhere

Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine

couldn’t resist

Me: No, you cannot have any of daddy’s beer.
Son: Why not?
Me: You know why not.
Son: Because you don’t like to share?
Me: Because I don’t like to share.

ME: *playing my kazoo softly in the library*

HER: excuse me, do you mind?

ME: why yes i do but i usually just call it thinking

5…! 4…! 3…! 2…! 1…! RENT IS DUE!!! 🎉🥳🎉

I can no longer listen to the radio. The risk of being welcomed to the jungle is too great.

Shaggy: Scoob you can’t smoke nitrate ester, you’ll explode!
Scooby Doo: RONO₂! *Explodes and dies*

Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.

Husband uses any old plate for family members.
Also husband uses the best plate for the cat.

i hired a cleaning lady but when she got here she refused to wash me like a dog

I honestly see both sides of the flat earth debate.

The worst words a parent can hear: I’m not tired

the most incredible thing about James Bond is the way he can walk into any hotel room and immediately know how to use the shower

When I die, I want my decaying carcass to be loaded into a giant slingshot and flung into a rich kids bouncy castle.

I’m not rich in money, but I’m rich in friends and family.
You know, the bad kind of rich.

Teacher: this is an E
Kid: what if it’s an F behind an L
T: no it’s just an E
K: how can u be sure
[3 am]
T: *wide awake* how can u be sure

ME: [first day working at the Christmas tree farm] I shall treat them with love and attention as if they were my pets.

BOSS: I love that

ME: My fir babies

HER: Get out

Have you heard about a new sport called Quiet Tennis?

It’s like regular tennis but without the racket.

my wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can’t see the mailbox when she’s backing up?

[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??