I once dated a guy who left a trail of rose petals leading to a sinkful of dirty dishes.
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A world war 2 bunker with fake air vent
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
(Sigh)
I used to float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.
Now I sleep like a bear and eat like a horse…
Me: I’m so tired.
Phone: Put me down and go to sleep.
Me and Phone: HAHAHAHAHA!
*gets waitress’s phone number*
*texts her before meal is over*
“Napkins????”
Bread: For when you want to wrap your food with other food, then eat it.
Stop hoisting all your food into the trees. Now the bears have to settle for the second most delicious thing at your campsite.
Since I’ve been scared of flying people have always tried to assuage said fear with “planes are way safer than cars!” and Boeing said “never mind!!!”
Ninjas owed people money. You don’t get that good at hiding without owing people money.
I don’t want to open a can of worms in a china shop but mixed metaphors can be very effective and logical to boot. No bull.
If by chipper you mean woodchipper, then yes, I have a chipper personality.
*always thought ‘copulation’ was the amount of police officers in a given country.
No sadder relationship dynamic than my baby (absolutely obsessed with my 3yo) and my 3yo (continually tells us to throw her in the garbage)
For my followers who’ve told me they feel shitty about where they are in life right now. Here’s my answer to y’all.
{confused hamster}
*looks around cage*
“Ummmm where’d my wheel go??”[Jesus’ voice booms from the heavens]
I WAS TOLD TO TAKE IT
“I think this ice cream is spoiled.”
*me drunk, eating mayonnaise*
Examine the shadows around my eyes. They speak of loss, of longing, of doom.
Also, I buy mascara at the dollar store.
There must be so many advantages to being a president or a king, but I’d wager that the most exciting of all is never having to carry your own house keys.
Me to my 6yo: Hey Buddy, whatchya doing?
6yo: None of your business.
Me: You came out of my business.
Random Company: “Why would you like to work for our company?”
Me: “Well sir/madam, I’ve grown very fond of eating and having a roof over my head and I don’t want to lose that.”
“Forever” is just a romantic word for “until we get bored or one of us dies”
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
Children look up to me. They say “Hey mister why are ya sleepin in that tree?”
waiter: is pepsi ok
pepsi: take a look around you, does any of this seem ok
me and my fake scenarios
International Dairy Council: Nobody saw this coming. We don’t know if our markets can recover from this but the only thing we can do now is pray.
[meanwhile, at Olive Garden]
Server: Sir, please
Me: I didn’t say when yet
When I sit down and the toilet seat is warm, I like to imagine someone rubbed a freshly baked loaf of bread on it.
Don’t ruin this for me!
OKAY IF YOU CANNOT HAVE CAKE AND EAT IT TOO WHAT EXACTLY IS THE PURPOSE OF CAKE
My phone: 58%.
My husband’s phone: 7%.
Me: Honey, I need your charger.
You can add “cha cha cha” to any sentence you want without explaining yourself. Nobody really appreciates this.