I once dated a guy who left a trail of rose petals leading to a sinkful of dirty dishes.
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Jesus “I will come back to judge the living and the dead”…. But until then, I’ll appear in dirty ceilings and toast”
My wife: Don’t kiss me, your stubble hurts my face.
Also my wife: [has three facial exfoliants that contain sand, walnut shells and bamboo]
Ponytail so tight, I no longer have forehead wrinkles.
Hey Hotels! Stop keeping decaf coffee in the rooms. If I’m late and need to rush out the last thing I need is a cup of zero energy water that tastes like the Great Depression.
Him: I like bad girls.
Me: Sometimes I deliberately leave out the Oxford comma.
Him:
Me: That’s a lie. I’m sorry, I can’t do this.
I complain about my kids a lot but I’d be lost without them. Lost in my expensive sports car in designer clothes. Or lost in my clean house.
me: *filling my plate with a heaping pile of mashed potatoes*
brain: THIS IS PORTION CONTROL PUT THE SERVING SPOON DOWN WE REPEAT PUT TH
me: *goes radio silent*
me: I had my first crush on a girl when I was in the first grade.
my 7yo: wow that was a long time ago do you think she’s still alive?
If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?
Sleep is the body’s best safety mechanism. It keeps you from screwing things up for 8 hours.
When a southern mom tells you that you look like a little doll baby you might hope she means Barbie but she definitely means Cabbage Patch
My husband said he didn’t want to order dessert but then he ate half of mine so I think we must have entered into some sort of parallel universe or something
Me: Damn, there is no better feeling than skin on skin
store employee: Sir, you…you know you know you have to buy that pack of chicken now right?
“I’ll just stagger around yelling random, incoherent shit as people try to keep me from hurting myself.”
Drunks and 1 year olds.
Nepobaby? Why, yes, I am, my father was Prom and Homecoming King in a town of 300, I can still get a discount at the local Ace Hardware if Steve is working.
A chicken running a marathon wears Ree-bokbokboks
*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*
Werewolf 1: Edibles!
Sadly, my universal remote control does not control the universe, not even remotely.
ME: Okay, sure, I’m turning 50. But I’m young at heart!
HEART: Actually, I’ve got quite a bit of cholesterol building up here, buddy.
There’s no denying that I have an effect on men. Mostly migraines, but an effect nonetheless.
date: wow nice body
me: i like working out
date: it shows
me: *bench pressing cadaver* he’s starting to stink tho
You want me to pay attention to the details? The thing the devil is in?
A friend of mine is thankful she won a position on the PTA board and now we can’t be friends.
In your 20’s: I’m going to install the best radio, loudest speakers, amplifier in my car, and rock out.
In your 50’s: Turn that music down, I can’t even hear myself think about what I want to eat.
Hugh Laurie auditioned for the role of a British detective, but a House is not a Holmes.
If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.
*crashes your wedding
Why aren’t you answering my DM?!
Nice try, Clooney “wedding.” I know a casino heist when I see one.
Boss: Any final questions for our applicant?
Sphinx: *eyes blazing like searchlights* Three sons have I and-
Boss: WORK-related questions
Things that interrupt sex:
20s: drunk roommate walks in on you
30s: kids walk in on you
40s: spouse walks in on you
50s: foot cramp