I once dated a woman that said I used to much garlic and I got rid of that vampire right quick
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My husband bought lemon-flavored potato chips. Long story short, he’s sleeping in the RV.
Be right back guys, I just fried up some bacon and have to clean up the mess.
[8 months later]
Ok, I’m back.
My 6yo told me that I’m the best mom he’s ever had, and I was like wait… how many moms have you had? What happened to them? Are they ok? Please don’t feed me to the tigers.
Brunch server: “We need you to leave now.”
My wife: “Um, excuse me…hiccup…you said these mimosa were bottomless.”
Lawyer: You’re looking at life without parole
Client: [Breaks down crying]
Lawyer: Hey it’s ok I’ve never had a parole either
Make fun of my long hair and I’ll ride past your girlfriend’s bedroom window on a stallion.
welcome mats are just gateway rugs
At my age, you can spell Ibuprofen and Acetaminophen without googling it.
When I first went on the pill, I put on a bit of weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.
So, #Dorners ID was found in San Diego a week ago and then unmelted in the burned down cabin? sounds legit.
GF: I think I’m gunna start a Twitter account
Me: *whips head around* I’ll help you set it up!
*Grabs GF’s phone and hurls it into the Sun*
Video games have given me an unrealistic expectation of how easy it should have been to get sneakers on a hedgehog.
It still works 🤷🏼♀️
People on twitter be like “yeah I’m married, but it’s not that serious”.
Schools: Children need consistency and routine
Also schools: Daily class times will be the lucky numbers from your fortune cookie
It’s not ‘easter’, it’s ‘more east’. So stupid.
I’m under the weather today, also so is everyone else, that’s how weather works.
For someone, somewhere, today is the last day they will have 10 fingers.
With the year coming to a close, please remember to send all apologies and confessions of love to my email before January. I will be refreshing my inbox every 30 minutes. Thank you.
In the hierarchy of my office, I was Pam for so many years that it’s hard to accept that I am now firmly Phyllis even though she’s obviously the coolest
“Where do you think you’re going?”
“Band practice, I told you.”
“Is your homework done?”
“Yes, DAD.”
“Be home by 6 for dinner.”
“But-“
“No buts, Mom’s making your favorite.”
Not all heroes wear capes…
If whisky can damage your short term memory, just think what whisky can do.
Reasons why my toddler is screaming: he offered his food to the dog and she ate it. this happens every single day. he is always surprised
*snorting spilled coffee grounds off the dirty floor* I DONT HAVE A PROBLEM
My neighbor said “I think the earth might be flat, sorry if I’m not politically correct.” no you’re just regular incorrect
I’m going back in time to kill whoever invented the wheel so we never have to hear the phrase ‘circling back’
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
A lot of you are calling me “mom” lately. Is it cause I’m old? Or cause you respect me? I hope for your sake it’s cause I’m old.
My car is making strange noises but it’s just me singing.