Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.

sticking my hand out the car window while driving, for science

I took my dog for a walk last night and forgot something at home: the dog. I forgot the dog. Menopause is fun.

My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.

Son: can I go?
Dad: storm coming, tornado warnings
Son: yeah I know
Dad: wait for your brother to get home, he can continue the bloodline

Keys just don’t make me laugh as much as they did when I was a baby.

Things that don’t exist:
1. Fairies
2. Elves
3. Gnomes
4. Trolls
5. Whatever item my wife sends me to the grocery store to get

[the ’4 Horsemen Of The Apocalypse’ descending from heaven]

me: *clapping excitedly* ooooh, horseys’!!!

As I exposed my glorious chest hairs & catapulted toward the Velcro wall, I realized that I had no exit strategy.

Captcha: Click on every photo of a real tunnel

Wile E Coyote: oh no

Killer: come out come out wherever you are

Me: *hiding*

Killer: omg what a cute puppy!

Me: *jumps out* i wanna see the pup…oh man

Reason 5,746 why parents drink- my kids are fighting over whose horse is going faster on the same merry-go-round

To all those telling me this account is a sin – Don’t worry about it, I plan on forgiving myself later

8, peering closely at me: what’s that?

Me: my necklace

8: How do you know?

I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.

And I’ve started drinking for evil.

My wife and I take turns going to our 11-year-old’s swim meets.

Two weeks in a row, when it was my turn, the meet got canceled.

Now our daughter always wants it to be my turn.

Looks like we all just want to stay home.

16yo daughter; “I love listening to the oldies!”

*plays The Smiths

Me: Uncontrollable weeping

I hope people who faint in public know that they’re making things super awkward for the rest of us.

Why put it off till tomorrow when you can get a jumpstart and start screwing it up today.

Volunteer firefighter battles a house fire until 2 am and still goes to work at 6am.

Me: Wakes up at 7 am and contemplates whether to use a smiling or grinning emoji.

I’m starting to suspect that maybe 2020 was not the reason for my problems.

One minute you’re young and carefree and the next you’re stuck on a park fence you thought you could still jump over 😬🤭

Rachel Ray now makes cat food with real beef just like the cows my cat would eat in the wild.

[high school reunion]

me: u remember me skipping math class to see u
ex: aww yeah
me: [gets out pile of papers] now do my taxes

i am disgusted by the physical act of handshaking. it is morally unacceptable that u cant just extend your arm and fist the wind

Billion dollar idea.

A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell “I’m just cooking!”

*Romantically carries pizza over threshold

Everyone: Sleep when your baby sleeps.

My brain: Oh man she’s so cute. Just stare at her for two hours straight until she wakes up again.

Don’t key “You’re so cool” into the side of a police car while cop is still in the car.

Don’t ask me how I know this.