I once dated a woman that said I used to much garlic and I got rid of that vampire right quick
You Might Also Like
I told my kids to stop fighting, so now they’re playing with dolls who are fighting.
The Last of Us is my favorite video game about the survivors of 2020
Quick, while the British people are sleeping:
Raise your hand if you make tea by microwaving hot water
My kids are fighting and screaming loudly outside. I should probably do something.
*closes window*
Today while I was giving my dog a bath a spider fell out of her fur and ran across the sink. If you need me, I’ll be in therapy for the next 48 years.
£900 pound for an iPhone 6?
Airplane mode better take me on holiday
‘Nuts and bolts’ would be a good name for a diary of one night stands.
[in class]
Hermione: For once I want the teacher to get my name right!
Gar4y With a Silent 4: Totally know what ya mean
The worst thing you can put in your body is carbs. Or maybe a knife.
If you get a call from a telemarketer, give the phone to a child and tell them it’s #Santa.
My husband just asked me in the kindest voice if I wanted some water, and I said, “You know, I’d love some water?” And I turned around and he was carrying the dog’s water bowl to her….(Reader, he was not asking me if I wanted water.)
Ask yourself, “do I like finding socks in every room of the house?” and if the answer is yes, unprotected sex is right for you.
YouTuber: Yo what’s up it’s your boy
Me: *astonished whisper* Son?
H: Did you remember to pick up the seal so the tub will stop leaking?
M: *holding a baby seal* You should have been more specific.
*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall
*adds work phone number
*Gets excited about work today
*holding a hose*
Husband: What are you doing?
Me: I’m spraying anyone who steps on our property.
Husband: Isn’t your family coming over?
Me: *grins* In 7 minutes.
Me too door. Me too.
“What kind of dog is this?”
“Well actu..”
“Hes cute”
*pets it*
“Sir thats my..”
*picks it up*
“Your a good dog arent you?”
“PUT MY SON DOWN”
Sam can’t find a tennis ball, and wants me to throw this small rock. Ladies & gentleman, this is the face of addiction.
Found a free bandaid at the pool.
Me: Any news?
Doctor: I’m just waiting for your x-ray.
Me: But I’ve never dated anyone called Ray.
Doctor: And we might do a brain scan.
If you hate someone on your Christmas list, buy them parakeets.
My kid told me that school today was “bad” and “sooo boring” and all because a teacher said he wasn’t allowed to catch lizards at recess
Even though it says it right there in the show’s title, I’m always disappointed when Unsolved Mysteries aren’t neatly wrapped up by the end of the ep.
groan^2
If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later there is literally no way to warn them
I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.
°waldo at the gym° can’t none of y’all spot me
[looking at family picture]
Me: Such good times
3yr old son: But I’m not in the pic
Me: *ruffles his hair* I know, buddy
Turns out Leaf Blower Guy, my neighbour of 10 years, knows my actual name so I guess I’m left with no choice but to do the adult thing here and find out his by stealing his mail.