I once dated a woman that said I used to much garlic and I got rid of that vampire right quick
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My son has about 12 seconds to learn patience.
I just sneezed and made direct eye contact with my dog and we somehow didn’t switch bodies wtf disney??
(Me,after returning from exam)
Mom: (Greeting) How was your paper?
Me: I wrote what I knew, I copied what I didn’t knew.
Oh man almost forgot the trash
*takes trash out, a nice little sushi place*
This is great
*sees wife there with the recycling*
WHAT THE HELL
The filling in fortune cookies tastes like paper..
astrology is complicated but asking someone what their sign is and then responding with “yeah, that makes total sense” is super duper easy
Don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me, I won’t say a word about your “wenital werpes” *winks*
3YO: She’s eating my sandwich!
Me: Why are you eating her sandwich??
7YO: Because I thought she wasn’t looking!
They should have to tell you that there will be a 20-parent group text when you’re signing your kids up for little league.
[interview]
So your resume says you used to be in the theater
yes that is correct
What made you leave it?
well, the movie ended so
[Breaking up]
It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.
Finished my book on how to fall down the stairs, it’s a step by step guide.
Twitter fine art
This is your captain speaking. Grr..this is your captain growling. Mooo..this is your captain mooing. I can do anything. I’m the captain.
If my boss suddenly revealed that he’d been Sacha Baron Cohen this whole time everything about my job would make a lot more sense
The genie sang that whole song about how he’s gonna be Aladdin’s best friend ever right in front of the monkey
People say Twitter is a futile waste of time, but that’s only if you’re doing it right
Pandas are proof that if you have a cute enough outfit no one will call you fat.
Once I’ve made up my mind about something, there’s no stopping me
from second guessing myself.
me when someone’s obsessed with me: yikes
me when someone’s not obsessed with me: wtf
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a pickup artist.
Her: Pig! [leaves]
Him: *sighs* [puts away prints of exquisitely painted Ford F-150s]
I’m sorry you didn’t find out that the Applebee’s gift card I gave you for your birthday doesn’t work until after you ate. I found out the hard way too.
So grateful for pillows. My head works hard, it deserves its own widdle bed.
My my husband’s favorite thing is when I blame him for losing something that’s actually in my hand.
1 star recipe reviews are always like “I replaced the sugar with flax seed and butter with spinach and these pancakes came out dry and gross. Do not recommend”
English is a strange language. Extraordinary should mean something that is exceptionally ordinary. Noisome should be a thing that is noisy. And of course a humanitarian should eat humans.
Imagine my dismay when I found out she wasn’t joking about owning a lie detector machine
My 3-yr-old just found a moldy hot dog in the sofa cushions and ate it.
I know I should be horrified, but I’m actually relieved because now I don’t have to make her supper.
[having sex]
me: *finishing first* I win again!
wife: you really don’t