Before I had a child, I never knew that quietly disposing of a balloon could feel so much like a murder.
I once dated a woman who thought windmills were solar powered.
I’m so glad I don’t drink anymore.
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I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.
Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.
I sign all my coworker’s birthday cards, “Please know, this does not mean we’re friends” just to avoid any future awkwardness.
If I ever wake up feeling refreshed I’ll know for sure that I died in my sleep.
My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.
Maybe I only need some intents and purposes.
*deleted Titanic scene*
Jack: don’t worry Rose, fat floats
Rose: so do doors with only ONE person on it!!
I’m sorry I laughed when you said my cannibal joke was in poor taste.
dr: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
dr: so how often is that?
me: *turning to 12* when were you born?