I once dated a woman who thought windmills were solar powered.

I’m so glad I don’t drink anymore.

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Before I had a child, I never knew that quietly disposing of a balloon could feel so much like a murder.


I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.

Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.


I sign all my coworker’s birthday cards, “Please know, this does not mean we’re friends” just to avoid any future awkwardness.


If I ever wake up feeling refreshed I’ll know for sure that I died in my sleep.


My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.


*deleted Titanic scene*

Jack: don’t worry Rose, fat floats

Rose: so do doors with only ONE person on it!!


I’m sorry I laughed when you said my cannibal joke was in poor taste.


dr: do you smoke?

me: only after sex

dr: so how often is that?

me: *turning to 12* when were you born?