@daemonic3: Mr. Trump, who's your Secretary of State? TRUMP: To deal with China, one that speaks Mandarin [remembers to appeal to women] or Womandarin

@Hormonella: Wish I could focus on anything with even half the intensity of my dog watching me eat yogurt.

@stockejock: You look so perfect standing there, In my American Apparel underwear, But I know now you probably opened the wrong Christmas present grandma

@Mardigroan: You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.

@NickSchug: If I worked at a pizza place I would use pepperoni to spell out "Marry me?" on pizzas all the time just to make things awkward for couples.