@rodtopia

I once dated a woman who thought windmills were solar powered.

I’m so glad I don’t drink anymore.

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@daemonic3

“Ok, what chemical symbol should we give this Gold?”

*thief runs by, steals gold*

“Hey! You!”

Au, got it. Next element.

@CornOnTheGoblin

girlfriend: [seductively] is there anything new you’d like to try in bed
me: maybe spaghetti but I’d probably make a mess

@nattygeeee

Turns out my top three hobbies are:
1) restaurants
2) bars
3) non-essential businesses

@thicclavabae

‘Do muslims have sex?’ no Susan I was delivered into this world by amazon prime.

@

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@blade_funner

*slips $5 to the mortician*

Me: How about – stop screaming – how about you give me another 10 minutes, this is a great place to nap.

@amydillon

“What state are we in now?”

-kids, 5 minutes into a 15-hour road trip

@kiel_phillips

ME: I’d like to return a defective boomerang

SHOPKEEPER: Ok. Where is it?

ME: I have no idea