if u put a disguise on a cow then legally the cow is incowgnito
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I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.
Duck typos.
Wife: How long has 5 been in the tub?
Me: I’m letting her soak before I wash her
Wanna get rich?
Buy my book, ‘How to Get Stupid People on the Internet to Send You $39.95’ for only $39.95.
Why the phone ring longer when u ignoring the call
people will refuse to download tiktok because it’s a time suck but then spend four hours a day sending you reels on instagram that you saw on tiktok three months ago
thought we’d see more kids named goku by now
My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.
me: [excitedly opening litter box] those are not kittens
You can’t make everyone happy.
You’re not cheese.
My favorite exchange on Twitter today.
Jealousy is a horrible green monster.
Well, a horrible monster in a tight green dress. With big boobs. And an ass to die for.
🙁
thank god Hinge doesn’t do a year end wrapped. I would have to walk into the sea with pockets full of stones
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*Loses job, girlfriend leaves me, disowned by parents, 1 Like*
Brain: You’ve got ONE shot at this.
Me: Ready.
Brain: Go talk to her.“YOUR HAIR IS THE COLOR OF HONEY CAN I TASTE IT?!?”
Brain: Magical!
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re sad?
Fleabag: Go to church.
Therapist: Good.
Fleabag: To flirt with the priest.
Therapist: No.
4: I didn’t know lizards were cold
6:
4:
6: BLIZZards
Essential oils are what drips out of tacos.
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: *eating a cantaloupe like an apple* why though
“I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle” he moped
I went on a date last night!
It went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.
You can almost hear the laughter in the transporter room
Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk
*gives you the finger*gives you the spleen*gives you the bones*gives you all the other parts* Now build me a girlfriend like you promised.
Me: hi can I file for an exten—-
My accountant: already done we figured lol
Add “af” to the end of all business emails for maximum corporate whimsy
*Involved in high speed chase*
*Uses turn signals*
I accidentally opened a survey and tried to close it. I got a message that said “please answer survey!”
You need to slow your roll there survey.
I’ve never once been able to explain my car trouble to a mechanic without resorting to sound effects.
Bachelor party photos will always come back to haunt you.