@daemonic3 “Ok, what chemical symbol should we give this Gold?”
*thief runs by, steals gold*
“Hey! You!”
Au, got it. Next element.
@rodtopia I once dated a woman who thought windmills were solar powered.
I’m so glad I don’t drink anymore.
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@daemonic3 
@CornOnTheGoblin girlfriend: [seductively] is there anything new you’d like to try in bed
me: maybe spaghetti but I’d probably make a mess
@awescar *jingles half the way*
@nattygeeee Turns out my top three hobbies are:
1) restaurants
2) bars
3) non-essential businesses
@thicclavabae ‘Do muslims have sex?’ no Susan I was delivered into this world by amazon prime.
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@blade_funner *slips $5 to the mortician*
Me: How about – stop screaming – how about you give me another 10 minutes, this is a great place to nap.
@amydillon “What state are we in now?”
-kids, 5 minutes into a 15-hour road trip
@bourgeoisalien [dies, meets god]
explain Florida
@kiel_phillips ME: I’d like to return a defective boomerang
SHOPKEEPER: Ok. Where is it?
ME: I have no idea