I once dated guy who talked so much about his ex-wife that I broke up with him and started dating her.
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Me: There’s a fly in my soup.
Waiter: I’m so sorry, sir. I’ll sort this.
*puts a spider in the soup*
Waiter: Hopefully this won’t take too long.
Optimist: the glass is half full
Pessimist: everything is dying
If you dont sin, Jesus died for nothing!
“I apologize for the misunderstanding”
– Professional
– Non-threatening
– Executive level“Listen here you little shit”
– Assertive
– Life-threatening
– Who knows what will happen next
me, as a child: I beat all my sisters at hide and seek today!
my dad: that’s good, but your brother Daniel is the reigning champ
me: who
We get it, Japan.
All of your cats can skateboard.
Chinese food – $25
Delivery fee – $3.99
Realizing they forgot a container – riceless
Mr. Trump, who’s your Secretary of State?
TRUMP: To deal with China, one that speaks Mandarin [remembers to appeal to women] or Womandarin
me: I’m into essential oils
pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite
me: canola
Which herbal tea goes best with heroin?
let’s play a round of hopscotch 𝕆ℝ 𝔻𝕀𝔼
My wife’s job is to announce our exit is two miles away when we pass a big sign that says our exit is two miles away.
Say what you want about Korn, but they really cornered the incorrectly spelled vegetable band name market.
I think as Canadians we’re so nice because we focus all our hatred on geese
[first date]
him, a cop: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
Wife: Hi, did you eat?
Me: Did you eat?
Wife: Are you copying me?
Me: Are you copying me?
Wife: I love you!
Me: Yes, I already ate
Almost nailed it! 😂🤣
Me: *explains math problem*
Tween: I don’t understand.
Me: *explains the exact same way except more aggravated*
The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.
Whenever I hear someone call my name, my first instinct is to walk faster
This is a fact based meme 😏😂
Don’t accidentally make eye contact with your dog while you’re eating. It’s a trap.
Adam: happy Mother’s Day, Eve
Eve: it’s tomorrow
Adam: happy Mother’s Day Eve
“Constructive criticism” was invented by some tyrant as a way to say, “I’m going to upset you and you’re going to thank me.”
HR said no more nunchucks.
I work with my husband, so we can write off marital counseling as a business expense, right?
2017: It can’t get worse than this
DAY ONE, 2018: A YouTube star filmed a dead body for entertainment
My new pajamas have no pockets. I don’t want to hear your problems.
u buy breath mints? who needs to buy breath mints, people give me breath mints all the time, they just hand it to me like “here, take this.” also, why are u buying soap
Oh no Facebook user numbers are down for the first time ever. At this difficult time our thoughts are obviously with Mark Zuckerberg. Those thoughts are:
1. Ha
2. Ha
3. Ha