I once drove a girl home from the pub and she spent the entire time messing with my car radio and changing the music then she said we should hang out sometime and I said “absolutely not”
You Might Also Like
hide the Elf on the Shelf while you’re drunk so it can be a searching game for both you & the kids the next morning
I was musing to someone about the irony of being a surgeon and having a phobia about touching raw meat (especially chicken). I don’t have a problem touching raw human though.
Anyway, thats how I learned people don’t like being referred to as raw human.
I finished assembling my Ikea chest of drawers, alone, with no help and no instructions.
In related news, i have a brand new stool now.
– Hello, RSPCA.
– Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
– I don’t believe you.
– Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.
A haunted house, but instead of masked creatures it’s filled with everyone’s mother-in-laws.
this is what happens when everyone feeds the same stray
jeff bezos trying to escape the earth because of a breakup is the most relatable thing he’s done
[creates anti aging pill]
Reporter: wow imagine all the human applications this can have
*I scribble out ‘give to puppies’*
Yeah absolutely
Writing “fake bills” on all my credit card statements and sending them back.
Him: how did your duel with your nemesis go?
Me: *kicks stone* we were approaching each other from a distance and I drew my sword too early and had to hold it out for ages like a doofus
good for her
I’m in your fridge late at night like this!
Might make a living will because I don’t want my family deciding whether to pull the plug. My dad has a long history of being against wasting electricity.
Does this thing get good gas mileage?
-my husband being kidnapped
Boy: call me daddy 😉
Me:
who called it a chinese finger trap and not a digit fidget widget?
No matter how good your raspberry body wash smells, don’t be tempted to drizzle it over your ice cream. I’ve been burping bubbles for days.
This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.
her: when I die can you bury me in my favorite dress
grave digger: I usually just wear my overalls
NASA: you’ve been selected to spend a year on the space station
ME: wow that’s awesome
NASA: you and your entire family!
ME: oh ok no thanks
toothfairy had to leave a note apologizing she couldn’t find the tooth last night despite CLEAR instructions to her customers where the designated tooth pick-up spot is.
Travis Kelce is living the dream of every unknown comedian rn. Having hordes of people share your old tweets and being like, “this guy is hilarious”
When I was a kid I used to yell at my grandma for drinking and driving and she was like “it’s Diet Coke” and I was like “but the tv said!” So what I’m saying is, kids really don’t know shit
My solution to everything is fire. How do I get out this stain? Fire. How do you fix a car? Fire. How do you break up with someone? FIRE!
When you think about it, ‘I’ll pray for you’ is essentially saying ‘I’ll talk to myself about your problem’. Good luck!
What’s green, has six legs and would kill you if it fell out of a tree?
A billiard table.
I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.
Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.