I once drove a girl home from the pub and she spent the entire time messing with my car radio and changing the music then she said we should hang out sometime and I said “absolutely not”
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If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together
It sucks when someone cuts you off in traffic and you have to catch up to them & throw a perfectly good cup of coffee at their windshield.
Are we stopping for ALL pedestrians now? I can understand kids & the elderly. But everyone else should be able to dodge cars.
Everyone: backing into parking spaces is stupid
Person who backs into parking spaces: the world is not ready for my level of ingenuity
Do people with insomnia know about Coldplay?
I didn’t ask to be the “bad boy” of professional tennis. Probably why it never happened.
Husband: I love you.
Me: I have a boyfriend.
definitely did not do anything wrong
I hate when people start off a conversation with, “Can I be honest with you?”
No, please lie, I insist!
my dentist & his assistant stare gleefully at me, waiting for me to sign the document that would give them the legal authority to install an extra row of teeth in my mouth just like sharks have
ROBBER: is this all the cash?
CASHIER: yes but would you like to donate $1 to charity
ROBBER [tears welling up inside his ski mask]: ok
wife: oh cool, the zoo reopened
me: [sitting on couch shirtless in cutoff sweats while drinking beer] why would I want to go look at a some bored dumb animal who sits around all day doing nothing
Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower.
But I’ll be telling everyone it’s from having sex while skydiving.
[interview at bank]
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I’ve been told I’m a terrible bank robber
Interviewer: what
Me: *looking at fish tank* so is that the safe?
I wish I were better at subtweets cause I have some really passive aggressive things I’ld like to say to a couple of you
Me: * tastes dog treats*
Stalker: frickin weirdo
Bro what is this
My kids: ROAD TRIP!
My kids, ten minutes later:
[park bench with girlfriend]
so you’re dumping me because you don’t think I’m smart?
“yes brent”
*starts raining*
great and now sky water
Manslaughter: I always used to read it as ‘man’s laughter’.
Seems oddly appropriate for someone who’s got away with murder…
I hugged my husband when he got home from work and he seemed nervous. I knew something was off. The scent on his shirt smelled familiar then it hit me he cheated on me with my favorite restaurant. He smelled like shame and garlic bread.
Doctors offices be like hi we’ll take you right in the room take your vitals and then leave you in there for 2 hours.
Some church people knocked on my door and said they wanted to tell me about the afterlife. I told them I’m trying to avoid any spoilers.
Why didn’t Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?
Normalize answering the phone by saying, “Caller, you’re on the air.”
If Popeye ate escargots instead of spinach would he be known as Popeye the snailor man?
#SpinachDay
i think we should see other cousins
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have a metal skeleton and metal claws
professor x: oh sry we mainly fight a guy with magnetic powers so bringing you along would be kinda stupid
me: yeah [looks at camera] that would be stupid wouldn’t it?
Kids are easy to care for until they learn to roll over. After that you’re never
sure what they’re up to for the rest of their lives.