i once fainted from a paper cut so if jigsaw puts me in a trap that’s a wrap. rip.
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Taught my 6 yo nephew that he should say “calm down Karen” whenever his mom is mad at him. Now we wait for my sister Stacy to call
My girlfriend bought a bag from another woman on FB marketplace…she had me go pick it up and I wound up grabbing it from…the other woman’s boyfriend, whom she had dispatched to hand it over
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Bourgeoisie
ME: Really? W o w
JUDGE: *annoyed* Sir, the word is Bourgeoisie
ME:*clears throat* Eff – U – See – Kay – U
Wife: What is twitter?
Me: Hold on a sec, I gotta go to the bathroom. *flushes iphone down toilet*
To know your enemy, you must become your enemy.
It’s like ten thousand views when all you need is a like.
me: do you want to play some ps4?
frenchman: oui
me: no we only have the playstation
When Dr. Seuss wrote, “Oh, The Places You’ll Go,” he did not consider how comfortable my couch would be.
I decided to change things up for my neighbors. Instead of seeing me topless, they caught me bottomless.
I hope my dog doesn’t turn out weird because she’s being homeschooled.
[first date]
Me: don’t let her know you’re a lizard
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: (gets scared and loses my tail but I grow a new one)
[me, in a sting operation]
Can I buy your best stuff?
DRUG DEALER: what do u mean by stuff?
*talking into my shirt* what do I mean by stuff?
Nine out of ten people aren’t the tenth person.
Found out Ludacris married a girl I went to high school with and it really made me rethink some things. Can’t help but feel like if I had played my cards right maybe Ludacris would have married me
When they spot a towel hanging neatly on a rack, teens consider it a personal challenge to rip it down, wad it up & leave it on the floor.
If men knew the effect their scent has on women, they’d shower more and fart less.
shout out to fantasy authors who give all their characters weird names except for, like, two who just have normal-ass names
it owns extremely to see The Eternal Zablaxas and Hellcleaver the Wicked turn to the protagonist and say “what do YOU think we should do, Dave?”
“I’m helping” 😅
The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.
The idea is to just keep scrolling on your phone until you die.
puting flowers in my hair to accentuate my dirt like quality
Husband: Where are you going?
Me: I have to run a quick errand.
Husband: You’re going to the store to buy dessert and eat it in the car so you don’t have to share it with the kids?
Me: Maybe.
Husband: Let me grab my wallet.
Hey pals! I’ve been on a break from making comics but you can read two new ones right here:
Does anyone have the number of a painter/decorator? I really need to get all my windows jammed so they never open again.
I would like to publicly state my support for Some Sex Marriage.
Me: Hi, I’d like to cancel my 8am appointment for tomorrow.
HR: For the last time, call in sick for work like a normal person!
“If you could take one thing from a burning house, what would it be?” THE FIRE. I WOULD TAKE THE FIRE AND PUT IT OUTSIDE. Easy. Next.
My husband threw away a perfectly good box as if we might not need it in 20 years.
financial advisor: what are your retirement goals?
me: