i once fainted from a paper cut so if jigsaw puts me in a trap that’s a wrap. rip.
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VERY difficult to convince the apple store people that you’ve only ever dropped your phone 3 times if you dropped it twice in the store.
Wife: The soap recipe calls for essential oils
Me: *pours*
Wife: And now lye
Me: I’m *not* attracted to several of the Muppets
Wife: What
Me: What
SON: mommy I’m scared of the bogeyman
ME: there is no bogeyman honey
SON: he’s not real?
ME: oh he’s very real. but I hunted him down years ago
SON:
ME: there was so much blood
SON:
ME: [whispers] his head is in the basement freezer
[runs in out of breath, hands on my knees]
*you’re
I got 99 problems and they’re all friend requests from people I didn’t like in high school.
look, a three-day weekend once a month is all i ask. the rest can be four-day weekends
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
DOCTOR: How often do you exercise?
ME: 3 times
DOCTOR: A week? A month?
ME: I have given my answer
“I can taste the difference between varieties of brands of mayonnaise”
– my best friend and the whitest man I know
When a celebrity tweets a whiny complaint at an airline, I vigilantly pray for them to get stranded on a runway for 72 hours.
[at work]
“Mornin, Margaret.”
“Mornin. You’re late today.”
[looks at watch]
“Not as late as your dead husband though, am I?”
*opens twitter*
*sees “Show me 2 photos of yourself that you like”*
*closes twitter*
doctor: the good news is you’re dying
me: how is that good news??
doctor: i don’t like you
“This sausage tastes funny.”
“Funny how? Like it’s made from a clown? Because it’s not. It’s absolutely not clown sausage.”
Of course, I’m an active listener. I walk away briskly every time you open your mouth.
what do you mean I never take you anywhere we just took a 365 day trip around the sun
A lethal injection that takes two hours has no place in a civilized society. And it shouldn’t happen in Arizona either.
Are “authorities” ever not ” baffled?”
Went on a trampoline with my 1 year old and learned that if you jump JUST right it unfortunately turns into a baby catapult.
Almost forgot…😂😂😂😂😂
Here’s why I’m opposed to pilots being obligated to wear boxing gloves for flights:
-Cost of buying the gloves might be passed on to customers
-Pilot loses gloves? Flight gets delayed
-A passenger wearing boxing gloves could be mistaken for the pilot and ordered to fly the plane
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me: okay. I’ll stop twerking now
I hate when an old man tries to friend me on Facebook and then I realize we went to high school together
Woman approaches me as I’m putting groceries in my car: Excuse me
Me: *concerned because she looks shellshocked* Are you okay?
W: Um I’m visiting, not local. *looking at her phone* This CAN’T be right. It says the NEAREST Starbucks is 58 miles?
Me: *laughing* Yep
W: OMG noooo
🤷♀️
[Shopping for Deodorant]
I’m gonna get the same kind I always do, but I better sniff it first to make sure I still like it.
Gonna show my mom this article when she tries to wake me up early every day this week
Saw your ex at the shops
wife and kids are threatening to remove me from the family group chat because my Android is messing it up and now I’m certain that I made the right phone choice
Her: Have you sold anything since you became a writer?
Me *stares around my empty house* everything