i once fainted from a paper cut so if jigsaw puts me in a trap that’s a wrap. rip.
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i’ve always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately i don’t know anything
If you pack an acid-laced brownie in your lunch, you can quickly identify the employee who’s stealing all the food from the fridge.
*T-Rex stubs his toe*
OUCH I’M SO MAD. JUST… MAD. I’M…“Angry? Agitated? Irritated? Anno-”
SHUT UP THESAURUS NO ONE ASKED YOU.
Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel
[Couples counseling]
“It’s not good to keep these things bottles up, you know”
Okay, fine
*opens jar of wasps*
Having a tan is attractive. Having skin sponsored by Doritos isn’t.
DOG BOSS: ur fired
ME: wait, is there any way you’ll reconsider?
DOG BOSS: no
ME: u want to go for a ride in the car
DOG BOSS: *tilts head*
Has anyone checked whether cows really have 4 stomachs? Because it kinda sounds like a lie a cow made up once to get more food
I need a fifth of Wild Turkey, some meth, three sticks of dynamite and a Bible. I’ll explain later.
Friend: She really likes you.
Me: Oh yeah?
Friend: She thinks you hung the moon.
Me: *who has been plotting for years to strangle the moon* Not yet.
you can skip the karate classes and just buy a black belt. no one will care.
The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.
What if a woman was Nunchucks?
– Inventor of Couples Figure Skating
I briefly stepped away from social media to get an idea of what else is going on in the world. For instance, I didn’t realize I was still married.
the enemy of my enemy is my enemy in law
[bank]
Robber: EVERYONE GET DOWN!
Me: [crying] my wife left & my kids think I’m a joke
Robber: No I mean-
Robber2: Wait! Let him finish
WIFE: Now stick to the list, okay?
ME: I will.
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[6 puppies run by]
ME: Relax, they were on sale, Karen.
Money is always a motive for murder. Stay broke.
[first date at a chinese restaurant]
“So are you more of a dog or a cat person?”
*reading menu* I was thinking orange chicken but you do you
me tryna look cute after stress eating for the last 17 months
I’ve started leaving chocolates on my daughter’s pillow so she’ll feel like she’s living in a hotel and eventually check out
[my laboratory]
ME: I’VE DONE IT!
MOUSE WITH EAR GROWING ON IT’S BACK: Holy crap keep it down.
Republicans, don’t forget to set your clocks back 50 years
them: you look just like a friend of mine
me: she sounds really pretty
[vet pulls me aside] have you been teaching your cat martial arts
me: you mean purrate?
3yo: play it again!
Me: I can’t, baby
*3yo throws epic fit*
Radio, you’re tearing this family apart.
My wife said “Sometimes you can be so lazy,” and then she walked out of the room.
I looked at our dog and said “Go find out which one of us she’s talking about.”