i once fainted from a paper cut so if jigsaw puts me in a trap that’s a wrap. rip.
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*enters bubble blowing contest
*blows BIG bubble
*guy blows BIGGER bubble
*pulls knife
*pops bubble(ALWAYS bring a knife to a gum fight.)
*gets several new followers on Sunday
*adds Jesus to resume
Do the makers of Pringles know how big hands are?
[friend consoling me through bad break up]
“You need to eat, Luke. You can’t just sit there”
*i start crying more*
Karen & I used to eat
[sermon]
There will come a day when Christ will drive out evil from our land, and it will be the Judgment Day!
*T-1000 shifts nervously*
2020: verb. When you screw things up beyond belief.
Example: Chad’s car hit a pole and knocked out power and, well long story short, he 2020’d and now a giant squid is destroying the city.
I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!
Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences.
The best thing about coming from a big family is being able to talk louder than normal people.
When a raccoon stands up and cracks his knuckles, stop shaving him immediately.
you’d think someone who calls themselves a rat-catcher by trade would be more prepared for having a rat thrown at them, just goes to show people aren’t always who they say they are.
His Holiness the Dalai Lama invited you to play Candy Crush.
drinking water in front of my plants so they remember who the breadwinner is
[The Cheesecake Factory]
*looking at menu*
Alan Rickman voice: Turn to page 394.
5: I need you to give me some money.
Me: Why?
5: Let me worry about that.
We only have one day set aside to celebrate women, but sharks get a whole week! Clearly, women need to start eating more people.
I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.
“Living well is the best revenge.”
– someone who has never thrown a jar of spiders onto their enemy’s face.
You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.
Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news
When you don’t even acknowledge I held a door open for you, I want to pull you back inside by your neck, and say “now let’s try this again.”
Snail 1: Are you male or female?
Snail 2: Yes
Snail 1: Me too!
[they kiss passionately]
I can’t believe I got kicked out of chess club. I didn’t realize there were rules, I just thought the pieces fought like action figures. I shouldn’t have brought Wolverine.
I date men who have their life path laid out firmly and never waver.
Sure, their path is psycho or socio, but consistency is admirable.
Straight women in lesbian bars think everyone wants them when we’re really just staring because we can’t figure out whose ex you are.
Saying you’re single
• sobering
• gets you sad looks at parties
• invites relatives to murmur ‘you’ll find someone‘ for everSaying ‘I stand alone‘
• mysterious
• confident
• puts you on the same level as Théoden King
My plans for world domination will have to be put on hold while I try to open this package of batteries.
I went the wrong way down the grocery store aisle and you’d think I was looking at a 10 year prison sentence with the way Karen reacted.
My boyfriend is not like other guys. He wants to date me