Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

(Job interview)

“How would you describe yourself?”

I’m very vague

“Ok, can you be more specific?”

No

No Teflon coated pan has ever been a match for my husband and his love of stirring with sharp utensils.

Please send me love and light I went on a walk today and I nodded + smiled politely at someone but they were a Halloween decoration.

Cats are not as loyal as dogs are. But at least they won’t tell the police where the bodies are….

I like the song Cake by The Ocean
I just read this is their euphemism for “sex on the beach”

You offer me cake
and there damn well
better be cake

[1st date]

Him: We share perfect chemistry!

Me: *but all I hear is the word “share” as I create a fortress around my nachos with my hands*

Ladies, if he:

-Disappears once a month
-Goes through phases
-Make you feel crazy
-Is drifting away
-Has a dark side
-Controls the tides

That’s not your boyfriend. It’s the moon.

For a brief period, cats delivered mail in Belgium. During the 1970s, the city of Liège “hired” 37 cats to deliver mail in waterproof bags. As expected, the cats weren’t effective mailmen.

Dogs are man’s best friend because a dog would never blindside you with an eleven person group text.

My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood

why does this building look like a guilty dog

I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.

Goldilocks taught me that you can get away with breaking into a brown family’s home and stealing their food, as long as you’re a white girl.

[interview at the Pringles factory]
BOSS: why do you wanna work here?
TENNIS BALL: {don’t say to take back the tubes} uhh i love curvy chips

wife: “just break it to him gently”
me: “ok ill try”
[tucking son in bed]
me: [opening story book] “once upon a time your grandma’s dead”

I never tell people about how the pens on my desk double as excellent ball-scratchers BEFORE they put them in their mouths. That’d be silly.

HEALTH OFFICIAL: one way to slow the spread of disease is to isolate yourself from people

ME: way ahead of you

Me: *ziplines into wedding* “Sup nerds?” *pants get caught and tear off leaving me dangling naked upside down*
Priest: “Ooh a piñata!”

So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?

A horror movie where the girl in the woods actually outruns the mutated chainsaw murderer, then it shows him sadly limping back to his car.

[Victora’s Secret]

Wife: You’re the most supportive person I know.
*A person made of bras walks by*
Me: Um what about that guy?

having twitter is just like reading the newspaper except the newspaper is on fire and all the writers hate you

I’m so hungry I could eat a hor—
*horse walks by snorting aggressively*
ticulturalist
*horticulturalist pops up trimming hedge aggressively*

[showing people around museum] and if u look to ur left you’ll see a bunch of uppity people who get reaaal weird when you lick the paintings

*strips buck naked*Buck: Give me back my clothes !

GUY: Hey, hold the elevator!
ME: *laughs to myself as I don’t hold the elevator* It’s the little things that make life worth living.

*12 hours later*

GUY: *who is apparently building maintenance* I was trying to warn you it was broken.

I don’t know what my spirit animal is, but I’m pretty sure it has a cone around its neck.

[5 hours into assembling a new bed for my kid] you’ll get used to sleeping on the floor in no time at all

Boss: Someone’s been cutting corners.
Me: Hey, that’s unfair.
Edward Scissorhands: (acting nonchalant) Yeah, I noticed that, too.

Bird seed is amazing. I sprinkled some on the garden and when I checked 10 minutes later lots of new little birds had already sprung up.