Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The check engine light could be more specific…is it ‘holy shit stop the car right now’ or ‘proceed with caution for the next 6000 miles’?

Those who carry teensy cute purses shouldn’t throw stones at those who wear cargo shorts, because I can carry more stones.

I wish I could listen to my headphones when I go for a run and not have to worry about getting attacked, but sadly we do not live in a world where I go running.

[first day as an Orderly]

*gets fired for disorderly conduct*

4yo: Do you want to come with us?

Me [driving]: Are you talking to your stuffie?

4yo [pointing at a cemetery we’re passing]: No, I’m talking to the dead people.

[grocery store seized by terrorists]

“Not today”, I say, tearing the label from a tube of Poppin’ Fresh Dough and rolling it down the aisle

I only block people that deserve it and those I don’t like because of completely made up scenarios.

10% awake: monsters are real!!!
60%: do we have rats?
100%: goddamn that cat

Just overheard someone say, “I wish I had a Kindle that never ran out of batteries.”

You know. Like a book.

Counsellor: what’s the reason for your lack of self confidence?
Me: my girlfriend is always trying to put me down
Counsellor: why is that?
Me: she’s a vet

I’ve been obsessed with random unnecessary quotation marks since I was a kid.
This is easily the most terrifying example.

My teen looks at me.
Her sweet voice says “are you going to work today?”
But her eyes say “in THAT outfit?”

I asked my 6 year old if he wanted to try out again for the school play and he said no I think I’ll take a break from Hollywood.

If you’re a size 0 we shouldn’t be able to see you.

me: I think I’m losing my marbles

proctologist: I’m finding them

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
…but it’s just me attempting to recover silverware from my teenage son’s bedroom.

*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?

Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.

They’re the worst 😩

My sons preschool class had to make a collage depicting family traditions. When asked about his family tradition my kid told his teachers it was “watching tv”

For a goddamn liar he really dropped the ball on this one.

BRIDE TO BE: Did you pick up the centrepiece like I asked?
GROOM: YES. I’M NOT AN IDIOT
*kicks box of centipedes under sofa*

My kids: I love this song! Turn it up!!

Also my kids: immediately start telling me a 17-minute story.

95% of pet ownership is just saying “hello” to them in various tones.

HER: [she puts her hand down my pants] mm what do we have in here

ME: [sweatin because thats where I keep my chicken mcnugget stash] nothin

A burrito.. in a bowl? Sure that sounds great! And while you’re at it, why don’t you rip the blankets off me while I sleep, u piece of shit

Me: My mom’s famous hot chocolate recipe involved making a bowl of Cocoa Puffs, eating the Cocoa Puffs, then heating up the leftover milk, and topping it with the marshmallows from Lucky charms. Occasionally she’d give us cookie crisp to dunk

Red lobster waiter: we have shrimps

me: wheres the 13th floor?

builder: we skip it in all our buildings

me: what why

builder:

me:

builder: *embarrassed* too spooky

Sleeping Beauty is my favorite Disney movie where the curse sounds amazing.

My 4yo was pretending to be a cat before bed, then meowed a few times in his sleep. Now that is commitment to a bit

Me: Ugh HBO is so annoying only releasing one episode at a time so I have to wait a whole week for the next one.

Also me: Ugh Netflix is so annoying releasing the entire series at once so I finish it in 2 days and have nothing to look forward to.

I just show up at seances for the awkward, forced companionship holding hands around a table brings.