I once found a deflated “Get Well Soon” balloon in a graveyard and there’s never been anything more representative of the human condition.
You Might Also Like
Me: today I’m not apologizing for ANYTHING!!!!!!
*almost steps on pigeon*
Me: omg sorry sorry sorry
my tamagotchi never lived more than 24 hours at a time sure i’ll hold your baby.
Welcome to your 40’s where the small print appears to have gotten a lot smaller!
Accidentally pronounced wifi as “wifey” and the hotel concierge said the password’s helping out around the house and being a good listener.
How do you row a canoe filled with puppies?
Bring out the doggy paddle
Plugging your phone into your work computer: “Would you like this device to access your photos?”
No! Abort! Abort!!
Woman: Please send an ambulance, I’m having contradictions!!
Operator: Ma’am, do you mean ‘contractions’?
Woman: Yes! No!
whenever i wake up before my alarm
[buying treadmill]
Me: Can I try it out first?
Salesperson: Sure
Me: (pulls out laundry basket and hangs wet clothes on it) I like it.
I find that if I wear my snorkel gear when I go check the mail, the neighbors are far less chatty.
I bought a witch cauldron type-thingy today.
I dunno what compelled me to do it, but here I am, hovering over it with a dash of coriander.
Never underestimate mothers. They can turn “mayhem” into “ma’am” with one narrowed glance.
Hey I noticed you’re completely uninterested in me and couldn’t care whether I live or die would you like to build a life together?
These kids act like they’ve never gotten a half-pealed hard boiled egg for Halloween before.
{Goldfish Funeral}
GOLDFISH 1: We’ll never forget him
GOLDFISH2: Forget who?
G1: What are you talking abo-OH MY GOD WHAT HAPPENED TO TEDDY?!
Copy Editor is a rewording career.
My neighbors got so weird when I asked how many bodies they thought were buried in their yard. I meant roughly, not like an exact number.
ME: it’s spelled “kevin” but pronounced “kev-a-vin”
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
ME: you haven’t even hired me yet
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
Want to send a 4-year-old boy into a blind rage? Repeatedly tell him he’s wrong and you are positive their names are “Batman and Robert”.
me: god grant me the serenity
god: no ❤️
[exchanging vows]
HIM: I’ll love you forever.
HER: I’ll love you until you leave me a voicemail.
HIM: Wait, what?!
PRIEST: No, that’s fair.
“I need help doing a resume.”
“What software do you want to use?”
“I hoped you’d tell me.”
“And where will you be applying?”
“I was gonna ask you.”
“And what’s your experience?”
“Whatever you think.”
“If you get the job will I be the one showing up? Because I’m busy weekdays.”
A near death experience but it’s just me waiting for my 7yo to pick out a souvenir
“I’ve lost 200 pounds in just one year.”
“Oh. CrossFit?”
“No. Gambling.”
Can you believe some cultures still communicate with clicky noises or primitive hieroglyphs?
*clicks keyboard furiously*
*adds 17 emojis*
To be honest, the only reason I’m interested in space is to experience the sublime satisfaction of throwing an enemy out of an airlock.
I quit my job to become an archeologist.
My career is in ruins.
Be careful when you follow the masses sometimes the M is silent
“How can I waste ten seconds of someone’s time and make total strangers hate me?”
– Credit card chip inventor
– Me, writing tweets
Inside of you are 2 wolves.
One eats a grammy and the other gets domesticated.