Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*lil wayne begins typing lyrics into mocrosoft word*
*paperclip pops onto screen*
Do you mean “digger”?

Why? Just why? 😂

Ex: will you take me out for my birthday?

Me, grabbing my pistol: I thought you’d never ask

I can clear that with ease, Elsie! Frankly, your lack of confidence is insulting.

20 seconds later:

“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee

How to French Braid small child’s hair:
-Duct tape child to chair
-Separate hair into sections
-Sorcery
– tie with ribbon

wife: I know it’s hard, but crying and throwing things isn’t going to make it easier
son: What’s wrong with dad?
wife: He’s trying to figure out your math homework

Why is it then when things are going well we say everything is “peachy”? What elevated the peach above all other fruits to define itself as all that is good? What did it do to deserve such an accolade?
I see you peach, and I’m watching

My dog asked what it was like to be human, so I told him that talking was a good start.

Darth Vader: Luke

Luke: ya

Darth Vader: [heavy breathing] I am your father

Luke: um ok

Darth Vader: Also I’m vegan

Luke: NNNNNOOOOOOOOO

I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem

I napped the entire afternoon away.
I still feel like garbage but at least I’m well-rested garbage.

If you don’t know me, don’t judge me. Unless you’re making me a pizza and you say
“This woman looks like she wants extra cheese.” That’s ok

I’m over here watching #Dateline alone, with all the doors unlocked, lighting up the room.

Maybe, just maybe, passwords wouldn’t be so insecure if we weren’t always asking them to change.

Me, a mature adult: hee hee that football announcer said “reach around and squeeze it from the back”.

Well, look who I ran into at the liquor store. First I thought he was shopping so didn’t wanna bother him, but then I saw the shirt and thought “wait a minute, he works here?!”

Turns out, he’s the owner. A quiet life away from the glitz & glam. May we all learn a thing or two 🙌

I like my men like I like my coffee shops.
Clean.
Smells nice.
Free wi-fi.

6yo granddaughter: wonder how far this will go

Twists doll head til it snaps off

Screeches “mom!!!”

Me: you’d make a rotten serial killer

Me: if we stay on budget for the next few months we’ll be back on track

My bathroom pipes: good plan, right after you fix this leak

[zombies banging on the door]
her: they’re here
me: god, I thought you said 8 oclock I haven’t even got the wine chilled

Important new ad I stuck up in town today. Experts only, please.

You and your happiness can go straight to Walmart. Or whereever your “hell” is.

I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive all of my childhood.

Some people have bedroom eyes. I have interrogation room eyes.

My favorite thing to do at a rock and roll concert is to yell “kiss, kiss, kiss” every time the guitarists stand close together and face each other to riff

I reached for my best friend and she wasn’t there. But then I realized I set my coffee down on my right side, not my left, so I’m OK now.

children are a fun way to combine the impetuous insanity of a dog with the murderous disdain of a cat

*rushes in*
“Sorry I didn’t see the email”
*slow smile*
*twirls hair*

[Teaching office new girl how to be late for meetings]