I once got a ride home from the pizza guy by ordering 1 pizza to be delivered to the bar and 1 to my house. Pretty sure i deserve an award.

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I don’t claim to know what happens inside the dishwasher, but I’m guessing that it’s like the first 15 minutes of Saving Private Ryan.


A step-by-step guide on how to not finish anything.

Step One: Have kids.


Her: I just read this really funny thing on FB.

Me: No you didn’t.


I’ve never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.


Never ever make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for a long time….


My sister got my 5 year old some glitter slime- that’s right, it’s got glitter AND it’s slime.

She has kids of her own, so it must be that I wronged her in some life-changing and tragic way.

So I’ll be over here trying to figure out what I did to her.


After my ex and I broke up, I was in a really bad place (Florida)


*replaces birthday candles with flamethrowers for fun*

*wakes up in Emergency*