I once got a ride home from the pizza guy by ordering 1 pizza to be delivered to the bar and 1 to my house. Pretty sure i deserve an award.
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Bars reopening but you have to wear a mask? Ugly people, this is OUR time!
My greatest hope is for my eulogy to start with “Her reign of terror is finally over.”
Life Hack: Get a dog and a cat and name them Resident and Occupant. Now that junkmail isn’t annoying, it’s adorable.
me: can i be frank for a sec
boss: sure
frank: thank you
My black pants had more cat hair on them after they came out of the dryer. Guess I should check the dryer for cats before I start it.
What rank in the military do you need to get to before they let you be fat?
I remember being a kid & excited whenever the doorbell would ring. Now when it rings, I drop to the floor & don’t move like its a bank heist
*downloading the new earthquake warning app*
*setting to vibrate mode*
[at a funeral home]
ME: One death please
A minute, 45 seconds.
How long I’ll hold my hands under a restaurant faucet before I finally realize it’s not motion activated.
The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.
Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.
Im wearing a chefs coat and a stoned guy thanked me for my service. You are welcome, my brother
Eventually we’ll all just have one app on our phones that electrocutes you when you stop looking at it.
Guy on the plane threw a fit about sitting next to my Therapy Scorpion
Show me someone who says they haven’t used chemistry since school and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t ignore warnings on bathroom cleaners
ME (wearing Tommy Hilfiger): ready to go?
GF: not until u put on something less hideous
TOMMY HILFIGER (climbs off me): that was unnecessary
I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece
Me: I just want to be the center of someone’s universe
*has kids*
Also me: Not like that
Men always be like “if you liked me, why didn’t you say something” like ?! bro I am literally out here clutching my rose quartz pendant and saying your name three times with my eyes closed every night before I fall asleep.
What more could I have done?
I am always reminded of how much I am needed as a mother and wife the exact second I sit down on the toilet.
At my job interview today the Boss said,
“You’re shaking, don’t be so nervous.”
So I told him, “Oh, I’m not nervous, I’m an alcoholic.”
Facebook marketplace is a different world
boss : you’re gonna do the color commentary tonight ok
[later]
announcer: here goes jackson rounding 3rd
me: and those pants are as mustard yellow as it gets folks
I think u would all treat me a lot better if i possessed a small amount of plutonium
the moon landing, except it’s the moon, landing on earth. everyone is just as excited. at first.
Pretty arrogant of Red Delicious Apples to put “delicious” in their name. Like calm down. You’re still just an apple. You ain’t no prize.
Mary has her cakes…
Sandra has her cookies…
Hi, childless people. I just meticulously peeled the skin off a pickle. Cuz the pickle was “bumpy.”
Enjoy your day. Not de-bumping pickles.
[Clown College]
Teacher: Ok so balloon animals are pretty simple, you ju-
Pennywise: *raising hand*
Teacher: Any questions that are NOT about eating children?
Pennywise: *sadly putting hand down*
That moment when you’re driving and tweeting and you look up and notice you’re in the Atlantic Ocean.