i once got pulled into the boss’s office because a coworker was upset that i gave him “a look that implied he was an idiot.”
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Bear knowledge
If you’re testing me, we failed.
According to most health insurance companies, teeth are luxury bones that I must pay more to continue enjoying
KITTEN: *flailing wildly*
MAMA CAT: hey would you knock it off
KITTEN: *slaps tv remote onto the floor*
MAMA CAT: excellent
Hey girl, I heard you like bad boys?
*starts jigsaw puzzle from middle instead of edges*
It’s adorable when you give someone an informed opinion that they completely dismiss and then someone else basically says the exact same thing and now it’s a brilliant idea they’ve never heard before.
My cat is meowing loudly so I told her to use her indoor voice and she was like, “bitch, I’m an indoor cat. This IS my indoor voice.”
I get very stressed out when characters in movies are told a rapid-fire list of things to do and don’t write it down.
Me: “Can you please help me with my Tinder profile? I’m not having much luck”
My wife:
When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a fuse?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patr- oh
“Said no one ever.” -Said everyone on Twitter.
in the original Little Mermaid, Flounder was meatier. if you saw him on someone’s plate on a restaurant you’d go “i’ll have THAT.” This new one does not look appetizing and could not satisfy me.
kitchen magnet
Every app is fighting for their life with push notifications and growth hacks, meanwhile wordle is right there having us do our daily pilgrimage to a mobile website
Just spent 15 minutes on my knees.
Now, the bathtub is spotless.
Everything is a big deal to kids, like the time a giant bird took my dad from the beach and dropped him way out in the water.
“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“You’ve tried all of them on?”
“This one.”
Husband: *passes hearing test* Please tell my wife that I failed.
Me: [from the waiting room]
I heard that!
I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I’m pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.
ME: [blowing on ouchie] That’s better
SURGEON: How did you get in here
Me: I’m so happy we are the first married astronauts to land on the moon
[later]
Wife: pass me the rock sample bags
Me: I thought you brought them
I set my GPS voice to Mom, and now when I miss a turn, it says “Your sister wouldn’t have missed that.”
When I call out the wrong name during sex, I just segue into singing Mambo No. 5.
No, YOU just microwaved an oven mitt!
Him: And if you don’t have my money by Friday I’ll send my 5 toughest guys to beat it out of you
Me: Okay first of all I’m incredibility flattered that you think it’ll take 5 of you to win…
A headline said the economy is showing signs of unexpected vigor so i’ll have what the economy is having please.
Finally a use for spoilers…
I’ve started dating Little Red Riding Hood’s gran.
She’s an animal in bed.
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 53 times a day, you’re an Instagram filter.